Insanity As It Plays 2: It's Double Trouble!
by Neko-chan4
Summary: **EPILOGUE FINALLY UP!!**Yep, they're back. And this time, it's double the insanity, double the mayhem, and DOUBLE THE TROUBLE. Watch out for new characters, and returning old ones. (Like that Black Ninja...does he never die??)
1. Episode 1: Life In The Fast Lane—Caution...

Insanity As It Plays 2: It's Double Trouble!

By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson

**Disclaimer: Guess what?  I do own some of these characters!  So ha! all you mean lawyer people!  Pick on someone with money, why dontcha'?!  I work a lousy part-time buss-girl job; I need all the money I can make to afford, uh, anime and comics!  And gross amounts of junk food!  Oh, I guess I should get to the disclaiming part now…(big breath) Team Rocket and their affiliates (i.e. Giovanni, Butch and Cassidy) are owned by Satoshi Tajiri and Nintendo and all those Game Freaks, as well as Pokémon and characters such as Ash and his friends.  However, the characters of Neko-chan, Galaxia, Lesbian Seagull, Evil Bear-mon, the Black Ninja and any such other characters not appearing in the show or manga were created by me and me alone so therefore cannot be used by others for means of making money.  *smile*  Otherwise, feel free to poke them into your fanfiction as long as you keep them in character and give me credit!  Meaning, you can't just steal their names to use on characters of your own—that's just mean and painfully obvious!  (Gee, I think that's the longest disclaimer I ever wrote…)**

**Rating: PG13—this series focuses on adult relationships, situations, and humor…though, in a childish way.**

**Summary: The second 'season' of the first "Insanity As It Plays".  Jesse and James' short-lived affair has been discovered, so now the two have become a steady couple—why hide their feelings when everyone _knows they belong together?  With old enemies reappearing and new ones emerging from the woodwork, it's a little hard for anyone to have a relationship though!  Not to mention having Meowth and company mysteriously go missing…_**

(9/4/00) **Episode #1: Life In The Fast Lane—Caution: Speeding Vehicles!**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

ARBOK

BUTCH

CASSIDY

the Twerp Trio

PIKACHU

TOGEPI

BOB, THE CAMERA GUY

JAVA-BOY: works at the Cup 'o Joe's coffee shop

a STORE INTERCOM

and a STORE CLERK

Scene I 

**(Jesse and James are enjoying triple lattes at the coffee shop)**

JESSE: I'm glad no one followed us here.  We use to be alone all the time and now we can never seem to get away from everyone!

JAMES: It's because we're so damn attractive.

JESSE: (sexy pout) Hey, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  (sigh) I really shouldn't be drinking this much caffeine at this time of day.  I'll be up all night!

JAMES: And what's wrong with that?

JESSE: Is that all you ever think about?

JAMES: No.  In fact, just now, I was thinking about how much I want a donut…

JESSE: (eye roll) Figures!

JAMES: …and the thought of you with all your clothes off completely slipped my mind!  (shrug) It's amazing how much control I have!

JESSE: Yeah.  Sure.  James, buy yourself a donut and immerse yourself in its jelly-filled pastry-ness for the next half hour so I can keep my clothes on.

JAMES: Sure thing, Jess-chan!  (waving his arms for attention) HEY, WAITRESS, BRING ME THE PASTRY SELECTION TOUT DE SUITE!

**(A familiar head pops up from behind the next booth)**

CASSIDY: Ha!  I thought that donut-scarfing freak sounded familiar!

BUTCH: Hey, you got the triple latte, too!  Small world, huh?

JESSE: (groan) Grrrreeeeaaaaat…And what are you two blockheads doing here?

CASSIDY: Trying to drink our lattes in peace until your freak of a boyfriend came along…

JAMES: I AM NOT A FREAK!!

BUTCH: Yeah you are!  (akanbe)

JAMES: Well you're a dope!  (makes a rude face)

BUTCH: Lilac fairy!

JAMES: Indecent cad!

BUTCH: GAY GUY!!

JAMES: I AM NOT GAY!!

BOTH WOMEN: SHUT UP!!!  (hit their partners over the heads w/mallets)

JESSE: I knew we shouldn't have ordered the triple lattes.

CASSIDY: I should have heeded that warning on the menu stating: "May Cause Incessant Annoyingness In A Selected Few"…

JESSE: I find it a bit suspicious that you just happened to be at the same coffee shop as us, Cassidy!

CASSIDY: This is the only coffee shop in town, Jess.

JESSE: Oh, you're right.

CASSIDY: Of course I am, you twit!  I'm always right.  And you're just a bumbling failure who is a disgrace to the Team!  You and your queer of a partner!  We're the Boss's favorites, after all!

BUTCH: Yeah!  (blink) Wait a second, sis, I thought that—

CASSIDY: Shut up and drink your coffee, Butch!!

JAMES: I AM NOT A QUEER!!

JESSE: (upset) You can't be the Boss's favorite!  That's just not—WAIT A SECOND, YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE COFFEE!!!

BUTCH: Yeah I do.

JESSE: NOT YOU, I WAS TALKING ABOUT CASSIDY!!

BUTCH: Oh.

CASSIDY: Maybe I just like the smell!!

JESSE: You were following us, you sneak, admit it!!

JAMES: (whine) What's taking that stupid waitress so long?

CASSIDY: Alright, so I was following you!  Big deal!

JESSE: Ha!  Lousy stalker!

CASSIDY: You owe me a tombstone, bitch!!

JAMES: Do you want that with everything on it?

CASSIDY: NO, YOU IMBECILE!!!

JAMES: (huffy) Fine!  I'll hold the anchovies if that's the way you're going to be about it.

BUTCH: Wait, I like anchovies!  Leave them on my half!

CASSIDY: I DON'T WANT A PIZZA YOU QUEER, I WANT YOU BOTH DEAD!!!

BUTCH: (pout) Does this mean I can't have anchovies?

JAMES: (angry) I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I AM NOT GAY!!  STOP SAYING THAT!!

BUTCH: You look gay to me.

JESSE: No he doesn't!!

CASSIDY: Are you sure?  He's just so…(makes an 'iffy' motion w/her hand)

JAMES: NO I AM NOT!!  Now where's my donut?!

JESSE: Look, he's not gay, so just drop it!

BUTCH: Yeah, and how would _you know?_

JESSE: (pause) HE'S NOT GAY!!!!

CASSIDY: (gasp) Oh my God!  You…you guys "did it", didn't you?!

JESSE: What does that have to do with this?!

CASSIDY: (laughs) No wonder you're standing up for him, Jess!  You slept with him!  (evil grin) Was he really that good?

JESSE: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, CASSIDY!!

BUTCH: Eew, you slept with a gay guy!

**(James leaps across the table and stretches Butch's face painfully)**

JAMES: Try saying it now, Bowser!!!

BUTCH: (crying) Owowowowow!!  MynameisButch!!!

JAMES: Whatever.

CASSIDY: Jeez, Jesse, are you really so pathetic that you have to settle for a gay man?

JESSE: (haughty) I wouldn't talk, Miss Alternative Life-style!

CASSIDY: (fangs) WHAT?!!  What are you talking about you—

BUTCH: (aghast) You're a lesbian?!!

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch!!

JESSE: (evil grin) Why Cassidy, are you really so hopeless at bagging a man that you have to turn to your own sex?

CASSIDY: You bitch, I'll kill you!!

BUTCH: Wow, my sister's a lesbian!  Awesome!

CASSIDY: Butch, I told you to shut up!  (hits him with a fan)

JAMES: (laughing) Ha, ha, you're gay; I'm not!!

CASSIDY: STOP SAYING THAT!!!

JAMES: I don't feel like it.  (akanbe)

JESSE: James, could you get your foot out of my latte please?

JAMES: Oh, sorry.

JESSE: And maybe you should get off the table, too.

CASSIDY: (snarl) I don't have to put up with this harassment!  Just you wait, Jesse!!  I'm going to come up with an ingenuous plan and then you and that pansy boyfriend of yours are going to regret this!!

JAMES: (muttering)

CASSIDY: (looming) WHAT WAS THAT?!!

JAMES: I'm not gay.

CASSIDY: Oh, just shut up about it already!  (stomps out of the coffee shop, dragging Butch behind her)

JESSE: Well that just ruined my peaceful latte break.

JAMES: Sorry.

JESSE: I was talking about Cassidy's interference.

JAMES: Oh.

JESSE: But now that you mention it…please go get me another latte.

Scene II 

**(Arbok is sitting in the living room, having convinced [as in, bribed] the camera crew into allowing him his own scene in today's episode)**

***Pre-translated***

BOB, THE CAMERA GUY: Okay, you've got five minutes so make it snappy, Mr. Arbok.  We're skipping a police-chase scene with Neko and Galaxia right now for this so it better be good.

ARBOK: Stop complaining or I'll leave out the coupon for Fred's House of Waffles!  (clears his throat) Ahem!  Pokémon of the world, the time has come to throw off the bonds of human rule and create a democracy that is our own!  It is time we not only demanded our rights, but overthrew humans, for we are the rightful rulers of their miserable polluted planet!

BOB: Um, Mr. Arbok, do you think you could dispel with the insubordination campaigning?  I don't think you're allowed to do that.

ARBOK: Quiet, human!  Soon we will have destroyed your barbaric race and claimed this wretched planet as our own!  (lower voice) Besides, this airs on cable—I can say whatever I want.  (to camera) Fellow Pokémon, you see now how the human's treat us!  Not allowing us to form a democracy of our own—

BOB: You want to overthrow us!

ARBOK: —and live as a free peoples among others of our own kind!

BOB: You're not people, you're Pokémon!

ARBOK: Who are you to judge, lowly man?  You should be ashamed of yourself!  A chain-smoker, an alcoholic since age 12!

BOB: Look, I'm just a camera-guy!  I don't even own Pokémon!  If you guys want to be free, then that's alright with me, I just think that you're being a little drastic about this—

ARBOK: You cheated on your wife with your boss's secretary.

BOB: No!!  It's not true!!  Martha, don't believe him!!

ARBOK: Of course you cheated on her; for the last three years!

BOB: DO YOU WANT TO GIVE MY WIFE A HEARTATTACK YOU CRAZY SNAKE?!?!!

ARBOK: One less human to bother with during the rebellion.

BOB: You're sick, you know that?!  You're a crazy neo-Nazi, snake!!  You've watched way too many Hitler biographies or something!

ARBOK: Oh do shut up and just film me, you worthless barbarian.  I never asked for your dimwitted opinion on the subject.

BOB: You think I'm going to air this crap?!  You're preaching insurrection!

ARBOK: Do you really want me to rip up your coupon to Fred's House of Waffles?

BOB: (pause)…You drive a hard bargain, snake.  Okay, fire away!

ARBOK: (sigh) Finally!  Now, as I was saying—

BOB: Time's up!

ARBOK: What?!

BOB: Your five-minutes are up, Mr. Arbok.  Thank you for your time now give me my payment!

ARBOK: I didn't use my time, though!  You wasted all my time!

BOB: Pay me or I'll have your scene edited!

ARBOK: (hands him the coupon) Fine, damn you!  MAY YOU AND YOUR WAFFLE HOUSE BURN IN HELL!!!!

BOB: Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Okay crew, move it out!!

(Choppy edit to Neko and Galaxia.  The two dash on scene from around the street corner, panting for breath as a following cop car screeches after them, tearing off in the opposite direction…)

Scene III

NEKO: Whew!  That…was close!

GALAXIA: I need to go jogging more often!  (collapses against the building)

NEKO: You're tired?  I'm not even winded.

GALAXIA: Well that's because you're used to running from the cops!

NEKO: (defensive) Are you saying I don't know how to not get caught?!

GALAXIA: Neko, you're a cadet and your rap sheet's almost as long as Jess and James-chans'!

NEKO: (huffy) So?!

GALAXIA: (groan) I give up!

NEKO: At least I got away.

GALAXIA: Fine, I'll give you that.

NEKO: Thank you.

GALAXIA: Not even Butch and Cassidy can brag that and they're the Boss's top Team.

NEKO: (growl) Don't even compare me to those losers…

GALAXIA: Ah, don't be mean!  They don't seem all that bad.

NEKO: (getting fangs) YOU IMBECILE, THEY'RE TRAITORS!!!

GALAXIA: Nobody's perfect.

NEKO: BLOCKHEAD, THEY'RE JESS AND JAMES-CHANS' MORTAL ENEMIES!!!

GALAXIA: Stop yelling like that—it makes your face get all weird and deformed.  _Very unattractive, you know._

NEKO: (groan) Ohhh, I need a latte!  (looks up) Hey look, a coffee shop!!

GALAXIA: Oh dear God, not more caffeine!

NEKO: What?  This will only be my fifth mug today.

GALAXIA: That's what I mean!

NEKO: (evil grin) And look who's inside…

GALAXIA: (happily) Jess-chan!!

NEKO: And James.  (evil giggle) Hee, hee, let's go scare the crap out of them!  I wanna' see James squirt coffee out of his nose!

GALAXIA: You wanna' see James do a lot of things…

NEKO: (in her face) AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN, BITCH?!?!!

GALAXIA: Nothing!  (whisper) Your face is doing 'that' again.

NEKO: (haughty) Oh, stop it with my face already!  (quickly checks herself in her compact) Damn models and their perfection…!

GALAXIA: Are we going in yet?  And why do you need to check your face—it's fine now.

NEKO: (snappy) Maybe I've got it for the Java-boy, okay?!  Stop nagging me!

GALAXIA: I'm not nagging!

NEKO: (sticking her tongue out) You're a nag!  You're a nag!

GALAXIA: Eh, shaddup!  You're a bitch and that's the same as a super-nag.

**(Both sneak in the coffee shop to order their coffee w/out Jesse and James seeing them)**

JAVA-BOY: Welcome to Cup 'o Joe's, how may I help you?

NEKO: (hyper) I want a Super-deluxe Size Silk Irish Crème Delight Triple Latte with extra chocolate shavings and whipped cream, please!!

JAVA-BOY: (blink) Uh…

GALAXIA: Um, Neko, maybe you should try saying it with less syllables.

NEKO: (huff) Fine!  Be that way!  (to Java-boy) Give me a #9, please.

JAVA-BOY: Eh!  (face-faults)

NEKO: Watch my order, Galaxia!  I'm gonna' go save that booth behind Jesse and James before those old people get it!  (runs off)

GALAXIA: Okay.  (makes sure she's gone, then slips the Java-boy a twenty) Here!  Make sure it's a decaf, okay?  For the love of God.

**(At Jesse and James' booth…)**

JAMES: (leaning back casually) …And that is the many uses of vanilla pudding.

JESSE: I never knew Snack Packs were so versatile.  (sips her coffee) We should try some of those some time…****

JAMES: And then, of course, there's whipped cream…

**(Suddenly Neko pops up behind James' seat)**

NEKO: (shoving his face into his coffee) DIVE, DIVE!!

JESSE: YEAAAAGGHHH!!!  (flings her latte into the waitress's face, burning her)

**(James sputters a bit then pulls his face out of the coffee, whipped cream all over his nose)**

NEKO: (innocently) Is that one of them?

JESSE: (laughing at the cream on his face)

JAMES: (glares) No, but this is!!  (grabs a whipped cream can and squirts her in the face with it)

NEKO: (licks her face) Yum.  Can I have the stuff on your nose?

JESSE: Don't be stupid, I get the cream on his nose!  (leans over and licks it off seductively slow)

NEKO: (makes a face) Well I wasn't going to be so 'a la porno' about it—I just wanted the damn whipped cream!  (grabs the can and starts eating the contents)

JAMES: (grabs the can from her) Hey, I need that stuff for later!

NEKO: Get your own can!

JAMES: That _is my can!_

NEKO: Well I stole it from you so now it's mine!

JAMES: Then I'm stealing it back!

NEKO: Fine.  Have your stupid can.

JAMES: (shakes it) It's empty!

NEKO: No it's not.  (squirts him in the face with it)  Ha ha!  James _no baka, you're such a sucker!_

JAMES: Well this 'sucker's getting some revenge!  (douses her with the rest of the whipped cream)  There!  (evil grin) A few bananas and you would make a nice pie.

NEKO: Shut up, James!  (slips from the cream and falls on her back)

JAMES: So I'm guessing that was a _slip-of-the-tongue?_

JESSE: (laughs) Get over here, mister, so I can clean you up!

JAMES: Yes, ma'am!

NEKO: Eew, stop getting kinky you two!!  I'm still here and I can't get up!

JESSE: I meant with napkins, you dolt!

**(Galaxia walks over with the biggest damn latte you've ever seen)**

GALAXIA: Hey Neko, what the hell are you doing?

NEKO: Waxing the floor. … WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?!?!!

GALAXIA: Do you want me to help you up?

NEKO: (small voice) Yes, please.

JESSE: So you're here too, huh?  (sigh) I should have known.

JAMES: I feel like Princess Di.

**(They all look at him)**

JAMES: I meant because of the whole paparazzi thing.

**(All blink and raise an eyebrow)**

JAMES: What?!

GALAXIA: (sweat drop) Um, Neko-chan, I got your coffee for you.

NEKO: Ooh, yummy!  (hugs the huge cup)

JESSE: Whoa.  Big enough?

JAMES: You could bathe in that thing!!

NEKO: (kissing the cup like a crazy person) I love you, coffee!

GALAXIA: You need a support group.

JESSE: When we get home, remind me to look up the most local listing of the CAA Association.  What are you doing, James?

JAMES: Editing my shopping list.

GALAXIA: (reading) 3 cans of whipped cream, 6 boxes of Jell-O instant pudding, and hair gel?  Are you making a pie?

JAMES: Um…yeah…

NEKO: With hair gel?!

JAMES: No, I just needed more hair gel.

NEKO: Oh.  (pause) Could you pick me up a bottle, too while you're out?

JAMES: Okay!  (adds it to his list)

JESSE: (sweat drop) Hey Galaxia…Join me for a manicure?

GALAXIA: Sure, but I don't have money for a—

JESSE: My treat!  (hastily grabs her arm and quick kisses James) I'll see you later, James-chan!  (runs off, dragging Galaxia)

**(Silence)**

NEKO: You're not making a pie, are you?

JAMES: Just drink your latte.

**Scene IV**

**(The bus station.  A bus has just arrived and a familiar trio hops off, looking around the quaint but unfamiliar town in curiosity)**

ASH: I have a feeling we took the wrong bus.

MISTY: Possibly…

TRACEY: This doesn't look like the State Fair.

MISTY: Could that possibly be because it isn't?!

ASH: Then where the hell are we?

TRACEY: Ash, don't say 'hell'.

ASH: Why can't I say 'hell'?

MISTY: You just can't.  So don't say 'hell'.

ASH: But you both said 'hell'!

TRACEY: We were using it in context.

MISTY: So stop cursing and use the word 'heck' or something.

ASH: But 'heck' is such a weak word.

MISTY: Make up your own word then!  Just don't say—

ASH: Hell?

MISTY: Ash!!

ASH: What?

MISTY: (eyebrow twitching) Just shut up!

ASH: So I can't say 'hell'?

TRACEY: Nope.

ASH: Damn.

MISTY: Aaaarrrggh…!

TRACEY: Let's just not bother this time.

ASH: What were we talking about, now?

PIKACHU: Chu?

ASH: (jumps) Agh, Pikachu!  I thought I left you on the bus.

PIKACHU: (pissed look) Pi-kaaa…

MISTY: No, but you almost did.  Pikachu, you should get Ash one of those baby leashes.

PIKACHU: Pi, chu!

ASH: Hey!  I'm not a baby!

**(His friends look at each other and burst into outrageous laughter)**

ASH: Oh yeah?!  Well you're so stupid that Togepi just walked into the oncoming traffic lane while you were insulting me!

MISTY: (gasp) TOGEPI!!!

ASH: (snicker) Made you look!  HA HA HA, YOU BIG SUCKER!!

TRACEY: No, Ash, Togepi really did walk into oncoming traffic!!

TOGEPI: PRRRRIIIIIIII!!!!

**(A speeding vehicle suddenly flies by, flattening Togepi)**

ASH: (awed) Damn.  That was a big semi.

PIKACHU: Pi.

TRACEY: Uh, maybe it's still alive, Misty.

ASH: Are you kidding?!  That thing just flattened it!  It creamed the little bugger!  There's little Togepi pieces all over the damn street!

MISTY: NOOOO!!!!  (bursts into uncontrollable sobbing)

TRACEY: (irritated) You dumb-ass, I was trying to reassure her.

ASH: (blink) Oh.  Whoops.

PIKACHU: (shakes it's head) Pii…

ASH: (hopeful) Maybe it's not _too dead, Misty…_

TRACEY: Smooth, Ash.  Real smooth.

ASH: Well what else am I suppose to say?!  "Misty, maybe we can sew the millions of pieces back together or just wrap it all together with duct tape"?!!  You saw that thing hit it!!  The damn truck was going 90 at the least!

TRACEY: Of course I saw it, moron!  (thoughtful) Wait a minute, why was a semi going 90 on a rural street?

ASH: Uh, good question.

MISTY: (sob) STOP TALKING ABOUT IT YOU BUFFOONS!!!  And Ash, I told you to quit swearing!  (sacks him with her backpack)

ASH: Ow!!  Well at least she's not _too upset._

**(Misty begins to sob even louder)**

TRACEY: …Big mouth.

ASH: So shoot me.

TRACEY: So…which one of us gets to scrape him off the pavement?

ASH: I'm not doing it!  Make Pikachu do it!  (shoves him out into the street)

PIKACHU: Pii!!

TRACEY: What if Pikachu gets run over too?

**(Another speeding vehicle shoots past, splattering Pikachu)**

ASH: Oh crap.  He did.

TRACEY: You lunatic!  Why don't you just shove Misty out into oncoming traffic now?!

ASH: Maybe it could get her to stop wailing.

TRACEY: I hope you get hit by a bus someday.

ASH: And I hope you get carried off by a giant bird of prey!

MISTY: (sob) I hope _I get hit by a bus so I don't have to listen to either of you anymore!_

ASH: That could be arranged.

TRACEY: You deranged freak, stop shoving people into oncoming traffic!!

ASH: I'm not a freak!

MISTY: Both of you just shut up already!!

**(Silence)**

ASH: So now what are we going to do?

TRACEY: Anyone up for Charades?

MISTY: I call first draw!

**Scene V**

**(James and Neko come out of the grocery store, James carrying a shopping bag full of whipped cream and instant pudding.  Oh, and hair gel, too)**

NEKO: Now what do you want to do?

JAMES: Try to find Jesse.

NEKO: (stern) You can hang out with your girlfriend later, mister!  Right now you're…(suddenly giddy) bringing me to the toy store!

JAMES: (groan) Not again!  Don't you have enough toys?

NEKO: (huffy) They're not toys, they're collectibles.  And no, I do not have enough!  I still haven't found a talking Squirtle!  (shaking a fist) Curse you Hasbro!!  Why must you torture me so?!

JAMES: Maybe they discontinued it.

NEKO: (weepy) But I want one!  Those scheming bastards!

JAMES: (moaning) Can't you just shop EBay like normal people?!

NEKO: (dragging him) We're going in the toy store, James.

JAMES: Ohhhhh…! (cries little rivers)

**(The two go into the toy store across the street)**

NEKO: Hey, let's go race the roadsters in the car and bike aisle!

JAMES: Okay, but this time I get the GI Joe Jeep!

NEKO: No, way!  I'm driving the GI Joe Jeep!

JAMES: I don't want to drive the Barbie roadster!

NEKO: Tough luck!  That jeep's mine!

JAMES: Get back here, bitch!  (throws a giant stuffed bear at her, knocking her down)

NEKO: So it's war, huh?  (grabs a Nerf gun and returns fire)

**(Both start having a toy war with giant stuffed animals and Nerf guns)**

STORE INTERCOM: Clean up in aisle 3, clean up in aisle 3.

JAMES: Quick, run to aisle 10!

NEKO: I can't, I'm stuck under this giant stuffed moose!!

STORE CLERK: Hey, it's you joker's again!  Didn't we ban you from the store last week?!

BOTH: Oh, that was _this toy store…?_

STORE CLERK: Security!!

NEKO: Aw, damn!

**(Both make a run for it and hide out in the Hot Wheels aisle)**

NEKO: (whisper) Are they gone yet?

JAMES: I can't see!  Your elbow's in my way!

NEKO: Well get your knee out of my side!

JAMES: Ow, I'm stuck between the shelves!

NEKO: I told you that you wouldn't fit!

JAMES: (whimper) Neko, help me out of here, there's a box corner poking me in the eye!

**(A pair of familiar white boots walk by the pair, the owner leaning over to face them)**

CASSIDY: What the hell are _you doing here?_

JAMES: (whimper) I'm stuck…

CASSIDY: (dryly) I can see that, dumb-ass.

NEKO: (very sarcastically) Oh great.  You're Cassidy, aren't you?

CASSIDY: And you would be?

NEKO: (loftily) I have many names, and yet just one!  I am many, yet a single being!  I am—

JAMES: (dryly) This is my friend, Neko-chan.

NEKO: Don't interrupt my monologue!

BUTCH: (peering down as well) Jeez, how many girlfriends do you have, queer?

NEKO: I'm not his girlfriend!

JAMES: (cry) I'm not a queer!

BUTCH: (sigh) It's no fair!  Gay guys get all the pretty girls!

NEKO: You think I'm pretty?  Cool.

JAMES: I'M NOT GAY!!

BUTCH: Whatever.

CASSIDY: Is there a reason you two are stuck between the shelves of a toy aisle?

NEKO: I'm not stuck.  Only James is stuck.

JAMES: (whimper) Could someone help me out, please?!  My legs are cramping!

NEKO: The real question is, what are _you two doing here?_

CASSIDY: (haughty) It just so happens that we're on a very important Top Secret assignment for the Boss.

BUTCH: (happily) We're buying him more Hot Wheels!

CASSIDY: (punches him) I said, Top Secret, moron!

BUTCH: Ow!  (whine) Stop hitting me, sis!  Mom told you to stop doing that!

CASSIDY: Mom's dead you half-wit so I'll do whatever the hell I want!

BUTCH: (eyes watering) MOMMY!!

NEKO: (eyebrow raise) How about we be on our way, James?

JAMES: (tiny voice) I need a chiropractor.

CASSIDY: Don't worry, we were just leaving.  Ta ta, James!  Tell your partner she's an ugly rotten bitch and I still want to kill her, okay?

BUTCH: Oh, and we're going to kill you too, of course.

CASSIDY: Of course.  Well, _ja ne, you two!_

BUTCH: (pointing to Neko) Wait, do we want to kill her, too?

CASSIDY: Nah.  Maybe some other day.

BUTCH: Okay.  'Cuz she's cute.  And the blonde from the Kohl's catalogue, too.  It would be a shame to kill them.

NEKO: Ooh, I'm cute, too?  Cool.

**(Butch and Cassidy walk off, leaving them stuck between the Hot Wheels shelves)**

NEKO: Those two are weird.  (climbing out from the shelf) Well, we'd better be getting home, James.  Jess and Galaxia-chan are probably wondering where we are.  (walks off as well)

JAMES: Neko?

**(Silence)**

JAMES: Neko-chan?!  (more silence) I'M STILL STUCK!!!!

**Scene VI**

**(Late evening.  The whole group is watching TV in the living room, their Pokémon sleeping sprawled across the furniture)**

GALAXIA: This is great banana cream pie, James!

JAMES: Thanks!  I made two of them if anyone wants more!

NEKO: I'm glad you didn't do what I thought you were going to do with all that pudding.

JESSE: (mischievous grin) Who said he used _all the pudding?_

GALAXIA: What?  Is he going to make a coconut cream pie with the rest?

JESSE: (snuggling w/James on the couch) In a way…

GALAXIA: Ooh yummy!  Save me some—I've never had coconut cream pie before!

NEKO: …And _that's why you're a blonde._

GALAXIA: Neko, you're mean!  Are you really my best friend?!

NEKO: I think so.  (licks her fork)  Now where's this other pie…?

JAMES: You know, I feel like we're missing someone…

GALAXIA: Oh, that's Flareon!  She keeps hiding from me when I try to bring her to the PokéCenter.  She's probably under my bed somewhere.

JESSE: No, James is right!  Someone really is missing!

**(There's a thoughtful silence)**

EVERYONE: MEOWTH!!

JESSE: Oh my God, he still hasn't shown up!

NEKO: And Evil Bear-mon!  I haven't seen him for two days!

JAMES: Chan-saw's missing, too!

GALAXIA: (worried) Do you think something happened to them?

NEKO: Hopefully they didn't get run over by a bus or something.  That's been happening a lot in town lately…

JESSE: (sigh) I don't know, but I'm too tired to look for them tonight.

JAMES: Ditto.  My back still hurts from being stuck between those toy shelves!  (rubs his back sorely)

NEKO: You're such a dummy, James.

JESSE: (kisses his nose) I'll give you a back-rub later.

NEKO: Oh eew, I'm going to bed so I don't have to listen to you two and all your mushy talk anymore!  (goes upstairs)

GALAXIA: That wasn't mushy.  Neko must have a weak stomach.

JESSE: She probably ate too much pie.

GALAXIA: (queasy) I think I did, too!

JAMES: Not on the carpet!!

**END EPISODE ONE**


	2. Episode 2: Fore! Flying Garbage

(9/13/00 – 9/28/00) **Episode #2: Fore!  Flying Garbage**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

CHAN-SAW

EVIL BEAR-MON

Team Rocket's Pokémon

The Team Rocket Girls' Pokémon

GIOVANNI

PERSIAN

ROCKET, ROCKET2, ROCKETGRL: several of Gio's lackeys; (you know, those guys in the purple uni's w/the newsboy caps?)

the Twerp Trio

PIKACHU

TOGEPI

a T.REX

Team Rocket's answering machine (a.k.a. MECHANICAL VOICE)

and some irritated movie patrons

**Scene I**

**(A creepy primordial swamp)**

MEOWTH: Why did I ever make dat stupid time machine?

CHAN-SAW: At least you got it to work finally.

EVIL BEAR-MON: But now we're trapped in ancient—who knows where!!  YOU DUMB-ASS!!  (smacks Meowth with a nearby stick)

MEOWTH: OW!!  Don't call me 'dumb-ass', moron!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: You know you're my friend if I've called you a 'dumb-ass'.

MEOWTH: Dat's a stupid excuse!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yes, I know.  (smacks him w/the stick again) YOU DUMB-ASS, GET US OUT OF HERE!!

CHAN-SAW: I'm scared.  I've never seen Evil Bear-mon lose his temper before.

MEOWTH: It's not scary, it's painful!!  Aagh, cut it out!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Get us out of here and I'll stop.

MEOWTH: I don't even know how I got us here!

CHAN-SAW: (dryly) Some scientist you are.

MEOWTH: (snappy) Never said I was one!

CHAN-SAW: I wonder if anyone has noticed we're gone yet?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Probably not.

MEOWTH: (proudly) Maybe youse guys, but not Meowth!  I bet Jess 'n James are cryin' like babies right now dey miss me so much!

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

JESSE: My it's peaceful without Meowth around.

JAMES: (sigh) I wish it would stay like this forever!

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

E.B. & CHAN-SAW: Yeah right.

MEOWTH: No, really!  Dose two are helpless wit'out Meowth!  Dey couldn't find dey're way outta' an open closet wit'out me!

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

JAMES: Hey Jesse, come look!  I just came up with the meaning of life and the secret to immortality!

JESSE: That's great, James-chan!  Like my solar-powered wireless modem?

JAMES: Ooh, is it IBM compatible?

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

CHAN-SAW: Hmm, I guess you're right about that one.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Those two are really hopeless.

MEOWTH: I'm da true genius behind Team Rocket.

CHAN-SAW: Don't push your luck!

EVIL BEAR-MON: To get back to our original dilemma…

CHAN-SAW: (crying rivers) Yeah, we're stuck in some icky primordial swamp and Meowth's too stupid to get us back!

EVIL BEAR-MON: And me without my galoshes.

MEOWTH: If I'm so stupid, _you make a time-machine and get us home!_

CHAN-SAW: (haughty) I'm just not the creative type.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yeah, you're the psycho-destructive type.

CHAN-SAW: (big scary face) I AM NOT PSYCHO!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: AAAGH, NOT THE CHAINSAW!!

MEOWTH: Shut up!  If youse want me ta get us back home, be quiet so I can t'ink!

BOTH: Sorry.

MEOWTH: (thoughtful) Now let's see…dis button brought us here…

CHAN-SAW: (helpful) Maybe if you turned that button that way—

EVIL BEAR-MON: (shoving her out of the way) No, give it a few good whacks and push that button!

CHAN-SAW: Don't break it, meathead!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well what's turning that button gonna' do?!  We already tried all the buttons anyway and they don't work!

CHAN-SAW: (looming) WELL TRY THEM AGAIN!!

**(Chan-saw begins to chase him w/her chainsaw angrily)**

EVIL BEAR-MON: (crying rivers) COME ON, CUT IT OUT!!!!

MEOWTH: (sigh) Urgh!  I'm gonna' be stuck in dis backwater century with dem two morons for da rest of my life…  (bursts out crying hysterically) OH GOD, SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!

**(With a mighty roar, a ferocious T. Rex crashes into the clearing)**

CHAN-SAW: Uhhhhhh…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yipe.

MEOWTH: (sobbing hysterically) We're all gonna' die and I never even got ta go skydiving in my life!!

CHAN-SAW: (sobbing as well) I NEVER GOT TO TEST MY CHAINSAW ON A TOUR BUS!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: I NEVER FIGURED OUT IF THE CHICKEN CAME BEFORE THE EGG OR VICE VERSA!!

BOTH: IT WAS THE EGG THAT PROCEEDED THE CHICKEN!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: BUT IT CAN'T BE PROVEN!!

T.REX: (groan) Oh, I hate it when your meal gets all emotional on you!  It's so unappealing!  (chasing them) Shut up or I'll make your deaths slow and painful!

**Scene II**

**(We find the crew back home wasting time.  As usual…)**

GALAXIA: Right hand on red.

JAMES: Ow!  Neko-chan, get your elbow out of my ribs!

NEKO: I can't move you twit or I'll fall over!

JESSE: James, your foots on the last red, damnit!

JAMES: Can we share colors?

GALAXIA: No!

JESSE: Move over, damnit!

NEKO: Jesse, quit shoving him!  You're going to knock him into me!

JAMES: Ow, cut it out!  It was my red first!  (whine) Find your own red, Jesse!

GALAXIA: Everyone quit pushing or you're all disqualified!  Left foot blue!

JESSE: Oof!

NEKO: Jesse's out!

JAMES: Yay!  I get her blue!

JESSE: No way!  I'm not helping you win!  (covers the blue circle possessively)

NEKO: Jesse, get off the board!  You're out!

JAMES: Aagh!  Interference!

GALAXIA: Jesse, off the mat!  Quit cheating!

JESSE: Well James switched greens!

JAMES: I did not!

GALAXIA: I'm not listening!

NEKO: As if you didn't switch yellows!

JESSE: She called double yellows, damnit!

GALAXIA: (yelling over their arguments) LEFT FOOT RED!

**(Both James and Neko reach for the nearest red circles but Jesse jumps in the way angrily, causing the two to lose their balance and land in a tumbled heap)**

GALAXIA: (angrily) Jesse!

JESSE: What?!

NEKO: You dumb bitch!  You do that every time you lose!

JAMES: (whining) I was going to win, too!

JESSE: I would have won if James hadn't stolen my red!

JAMES: (weep) I didn't steal it, Jess!  My foot was there the whole game!

GALAXIA: (throwing down the game board angrily) That's it!  I'm not playing with you guys anymore!  All you do is fight and bitch and cheat and try to knock each other over!

ALL: Isn't that the object of the game?!

GALAXIA: I GIVE UP!!

NEKO: (sigh) Oh well.  (pause) Wanna' play Charades?

JAMES: Double teams!

JESSE: We get first draw!

NEKO: No _we get first draw!_

JAMES: You went first last time!

NEKO: No, that was the time before!

GALAXIA: (mutter) I'm not being part of this…(walks off)

JAMES: Give me the pen, bitch!

NEKO: You went first last time, jerk!

**(The phone rings)**

JESSE: No, give me the pen because I'm drawing first!

JAMES: I thought I was!

JESSE: You got to last time.

NEKO: Well you both went before me last time so I get to go first!

**(Phone rings again)**

GALAXIA: Could someone please answer the phone?

JESSE: (not listening) Give me that pen back, you hussy!

NEKO: Over my dead body!

JAMES: Tackle her, Jess!

GALAXIA: You guys?!  The phone!!

NEKO: Ow!  No hair pulling, damnit!

JAMES: OW!!  She bit me!

GALAXIA: SOMEBODY ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE!!

**(Another ring)**

GALAXIA: (answers it huffily) Yeah?

GIOVANNI: Who is this?

GALAXIA: Uh, Galaxia.  Who the hell are you?  (eyebrow raise) Please don't tell me you're going to ask what my favorite scary movie is.

GIOVANNI: OF COURSE I'M NOT!!  THIS IS THE BOSS YOU INCOMPETENT HALF-WIT!!  HOW DARE YOU LET THIS PHONE RING THREE TIMES!!

GALAXIA: Well I didn't _know it was you at first.  For all I know you could be some weirdo in a phone booth with a voice-changer._

GIOVANNI: YOU IMBECILE, I—(thinks) Oh, you're right.  Maybe I should stop talking like a psycho killer all the time.  (pause) Nah!

GALAXIA: Um, yeah.  Anyway…

GIOVANNI: Why did I call you again?

GALAXIA: Um, I have no idea, sir.

GIOVANNI: Oh, dear, I think I dialed the wrong number again when I was trying to order a pizza.  (cheery) Well, sorry to bother you, cadet!  Keep up the good work!

GALAXIA: But I'm not working, sir.

GIOVANNI: WHAT?!  YOU DARE SLACK IN MY ORGANIZATION?!?!!

GALAXIA: Actually, sir, you put my partner and I under the tutelage of Jesse and James and put us all on vacation right now.

GIOVANNI: (calming) Oh yes, I did, didn't I?  Well, in that case, enjoy your vacation, cadet!  (muttering to himself) What on earth?!  Put those imbeciles in charge of training cadets?!  I must have been on crack!  (hangs up)

GALAXIA: I really think the Boss is loose one screw…Or he's just a crack-head.  (shrugs and puts down the phone)

NEKO: Hey, who was on the phone, Galaxia?

GALAXIA: I don't know.  Some guy wanting to know what my favorite scary movie was or something…(leaves the room)

JESSE: Damn horror movie fans!

JAMES: Did you tell them it was Scream?  Because that is just so cliché!

NEKO: No, no, I think hers was Lake Placid.

JAMES: That movie's not scary!

NEKO: Well neither is Scream!

JESSE: You're both forgetting that Urban Legends is the ultimate horror flick.

JAMES: No way!  Silence of the Lambs is so much scarier!

NEKO: How about Child's Play?

JAMES: A talking psycho doll?  Yeah right!

JESSE: The Shining is pretty classic.

NEKO: Ooh, you're right.

JAMES: How about Cujo?

NEKO: Not as scary as the book.

JESSE: Of course, then there's the many sequels…

**Scene III**

**(The downtown bus stop.  Ash, Misty, and Tracey are just standing around)**

ASH: My feet hurt.  When is that stupid bus going to get here?

MISTY: How should I know?  Besides, I don't even have a watch.

ASH: Do you?

TRACEY: (shrugs) No, never needed one before.

ASH: Of all the stupid…!

MISTY: Ash, shut up—you don't have a watch either.

TRACEY: Why are we waiting at the bus stop, anyway?  We don't even have any money.

ASH: I don't know.

MISTY: It was Ash's idea.

ASH: Was not!

PIKACHU: Pi-ka!

ASH: Pikachu, don't side with _her!_

TRACEY: Um, why don't we walk like we always do?

ASH: Because I'm sick of walking and we _do it everyday!_

MISTY: (poking his cheeks) He just wants to get home in time for _Barney!_

ASH: (growl) Cut it out, Misty, that's not funny!

TRACEY: I thought it was the _Power Rangers?_

PIKACHU: Pika, pika?

TOGEPI: (laughing) Brriiiiiiii!  Toké, toké!  
TRACEY: Hey, you guys, I just thought of another thing.

BOTH: QUIT THINKING!!

TRACEY: Sorry.  It's just that, um, didn't your guys' Pokémon get run over by semis yesterday?

**(Both blink)**

ASH: (looks down at Pikachu) Maybe…it didn't hit them really hard.

MISTY: Togepi seems fine to me.

TRACEY: (shrug) Ah, well!  The miracles of modern medicine!

ASH: So what do you guys want to do now?

MISTY: I want ice cream!

ASH: We don't have money, Misty.

MISTY: So what.  I want ice cream, so I will get ice cream!

TRACEY: What's up with Misty?

ASH: (shrug) She's been scaring me like that lately.

TRACEY: (slowly) Hey Misty, why don't we go down to the bridge and look at the pretty water Pokémon, huh?

ASH: (mutter) Before she does something really stupid.

TRACEY: Yeah, I don't like the way she's eyeing that ice cream vender.

ASH: HEY LOOK, A TENTACRUEL!

MISTY: (hyper) WHERE??!!

TRACEY: Quick, grab her arms!

PIKACHU: Pika!

**Scene IV**

**(Ten minutes later in Giovanni's office…)**

GIOVANNI: Wait a minute, I _was calling Jesse and James!_

PERSIAN: Rowr?

GIOVANNI: Oi!  I don't even _like that pizza place anymore!  (picks up the phone and hits redial)_

**(Rings several times)**

GIOVANNI: (impatient) Somebody pick up the damned phone…

JESSE'S VOICE: (evil laugh) You've reached…

JAMES' VOICE: …Team Rocket!

GIOVANNI: (yelling at the phone) God damnit!

JESSE'S VOICE: We're not home right now, so leave a message after the beep!

JAMES' VOICE: (angrily) And if this is you again, Botch: No, you can _not borrow my Hot Wheels track! *beep*_

GIOVANNI: (enraged) YOU INGRATIATING MORONIC HALF-WITS, HOW DARE YOU NOT BE HOME WHEN I CALL, I'M CUTTING YOUR VACATIONS FOR THIS AND YOU ONLY GET ONE DRINK TICKET FOR THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI DINNER NOW!!!  GOD-DAMN YOU, YOU SLACKING NIT-WITS I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I CALLED YOU FOR, JESUS CHRIST!!  OH YEAH, and have a nice vacation!  *click*  Damn, I hate answering machines.

PERSIAN: (sweat drop) Mrowr…

GIOVANNI: Aargh, now I'm cranky!  Come on Persian, let's go mini-golfing…!

**(And back at the Pad…)**

***Pre-translated***

LICKITUNG: (drowsily) Wha' was that…?

FLAREON: Um, Darth Vader?

RAICHU: Didn't that Luke dude kill him?

FLAREON: Well it sounded like him.

WEEZING: No one home.  TV not on when no one home.

RAICHU: Who says?  I'm gonna' play N64, y'know.  (walks off)

LICKITUNG: Count me in.  (follows him)

WEEZING: Masters be angry.

RAICHU: Screw your master.  Your master's a moron.

WEEZING: (gasp) Not Master!

ARBOK: Oh, shut up, he is too a moron!  Just like you, you brainless gas cloud!  (whacks him over the head w/his tail) Now can it and let me sleep!

FLAREON: (vicious) What did you say about my James, you creep?!?!!  (dives on Arbok)

ARBOK: (hiss) AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!  DEAR GOD, SHE'S RABID!!!!!

**(Flareon begins beating the crap out of Arbok in the background)**

VICTREEBELL: What's this blinking light?  (pokes answering machine)

RAICHU: Don't touch that, dumb-ass!  That's the answering machine!

VICTREEBELL: Don't touch what?  (hits random buttons)

RAICHU: Stop that, moron!!  You're gonna' get us in trouble, y'know!

VICTREEBELL: What trouble?  (keeps hitting buttons and accidentally hits the 'Delete Message' button)  *BEEEP*

MECHANICAL VOICE: Messages deleted.

**(Hushed silence)**

FLAREON: Eep!  It wasn't me!

ARBOK: AAAAAGGGHH, YOU IMBECILE!!!!

VICTREEBELL: (still confused) What?!

LICKITUNG: So are we playing Nintendo or not?

RAICHU: Let's go.

GASTLY: (popping into the room) You're all dead.

FLAREON: (ditzy) What's it like?

GASTLY: Well, there's this bright light…But I turned it off because it was really hurting my eyes.

FLAREON: (awed) Ooh…!

VICTREEBELL: Oh, well.  (swallows the answering machine)

ARBOK: AAAGHH!!!  You imbecile, what did you do that for?!!!!

VICTREEBELL: It sounded like Master.  (sticking his tongue out distastefully) Ick!  Didn't taste like Master, though.  Much too dry.

ARBOK: Excuse me.  I must go find my _wa before I kill you all…(slithers off)  **[**__Wa = harmony]_

FLAREON: Wait, come back!  I'm angry at you!  Stupid snake!  (running after him) I don't remember why anymore…but…maybe if I bite you some more it will come back to me…!

**Scene V**

**(We find our two teams walking aimlessly around main street)**

JAMES: I'm bored.

NEKO: No kidding!  Are we gonna' do something or not?!

JAMES: (heavy sigh) I'm _really bored, damnit…__!!_

JESSE: Okay, we get the point.

GALAXIA: Let's go see a movie!

JESSE: I used up my money for the bus tab.

NEKO: I wasted mine on candy.

GALAXIA: No problem!  James will pay for us!

JAMES: What?!

JESSE: Good idea!  Milk my boyfriend for all he's worth!  (holds him possessively by the arm)

NEKO: (patting him on the shoulder) Did I ever tell you that you're my best friend?

JAMES: (dryly) Yeah right.  (hasty) Wait a second, I'm not paying for all of you!

GALAXIA: (pouty face) Come on!

NEKO: Some gentleman you are…

JESSE: (dangerously) You're paying for me, though, _right James…?_

JAMES: (nervous) Ah, of course, _koishíi!  **[Koishíi = dear, beloved]**_

GALAXIA: (giggle) Aw, _koishíi!  How sweet!_

NEKO: (crying pathetically) DAMNIT, I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!

**(Galaxia pats her shoulder comfortingly)**

JESSE: Stop sucking up and take us to the damn movie.

JAMES: (scowling at Galaxia) You owe me, G-chan!!

GALAXIA: What'd I do?!

NEKO: I wanna' see _Bring It On!_

JAMES: (angrily) You'll see what I take you to, damnit!

GALAXIA: But you just told me you wanted to see that the other day too, James!

JESSE: She's got you there, James-chan.

JAMES: (whine) Don't take _her side!_

**(Ten minutes later…)**

JAMES: (pouting) I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this!

JESSE: Oh, quit whining!  You wanted to see a movie just as much.

JAMES: But now I'm broke!!

JESSE: (snuggling against him) So what's new?

GALAXIA: Neko-chan, why are we sitting in a different row than Jess and James?

NEKO: Because I didn't want to have to put up with all their mushiness while I'm trying to watch the movie.  Blech!  (makes a face then starts wolfing down her popcorn)

GALAXIA: I think they're cute.

NEKO: You would!

GALAXIA: (sticks out her tongue) Jealous, party of one: you're table's ready!

NEKO: (scowl) Huh!  Jealous!  Yeah right!  Blech!!  Look at them?!  I think I'm going to heave popcorn all over the seats!  (makes gagging motions)

GALAXIA: (dryly) Riiiiiggggghhhhttt…

NEKO: (stands up in her seat w/a megaphone) HEY!  YOU IN THE SIXTH ROW!!  WE'VE GOT A PDA LAW AROUND HERE!!  BACK AWAY FROM THE PERSON SEATED NEXT TO YOU AND PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!!

JAMES: (sweat drop) I wasn't doing anything, I swear!!

JESSE: (hiss) Put that megaphone away, you twit!

NEKO: (ignores her) IF YOU DO NOT MAINTAIN A TWO-FOOT DISTANCE FROM EACH OTHER, I WILL BE FORCED TO REMOVE YOU FROM THE PREMISES FOR INDECENT PUBLIC BEHAVIOR!

VOICE: Down in front!

VOICE 2: I can't see the movie screen!

**(Odd pieces of garbage are thrown at Neko from around the theatre)**

JAMES: The movie hasn't even started yet and the crowd's _already rioting._

JESSE: (groans and slides down in her seat)

GALAXIA: (covering her head) Neko, sit down!  I'm getting half-eaten Gummi Bears in my hair!

NEKO: (huffy) I suppose I might as well…  (throws a well-aimed soda container back at it's owner)  There's still pop in there, you dumb-ass!

JAMES: (groan) I hope this is a short movie…

JESSE: Is it over yet…?

**Scene VI**

**(Back at the lovely primordial swamp—er, actually, a really wet and icky primordial forest not-so-far from the primordial swamp…)**

MEOWTH: (trying to catch his breath) Mee-OWTH!  We made it away from dat T. Rex!

CHAN-SAW: Uh, actually, only you and I made it.  Evil Bear-mon got eaten.

MEOWTH: (disgusted face) Uu-uugh…!  What a gross way ta go…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Who got eaten?

CHAN-SAW: Oh, there he is!  (casual laugh) I guess I was mistaken!

MEOWTH: (dryly) Yeah.

EVIL BEAR-MON: What say we get out of here?

CHAN-SAW: Yeah, there's really big mosquitoes here and they're giving me really big mosquito _bites.  Ow!_

MEOWTH: Um, whoops…

EVIL BEAR-MON: "Whoops" what?

CHAN-SAW: "Whoops" 's aren't good.

MEOWTH: Well, I kinda' t'ink I dropped da time machine when we ran from dat Rex…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well that was helpful of you.

CHAN-SAW: (projectile crying) WE'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS PRIMORDIAL NIGHTMARE!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Great, now you're starting to use that word.  How cliché…

MEOWTH: Are youse just gonna' sit dere cryin' or are ya gonna' help me find it?

EVIL BEAR-MON: (dragging Chan-saw along) Come on, Chan, let's get this over with.

CHAN-SAW: (amid sobs) …nightmare…!…it's a nightmare…!…oh, we're all gonna' die…!…

**(Back in the present)**

GIOVANNI: Fore!

**(Giovanni's little black golf ball [with the symbolic red 'R', of course]**** flies across the miniature green and whacks a fellow golfer in the head)**

GIOVANNI: Interference, damnit!  (penciling in his score) Let's just say it was a hole-in-one…

ROCKET: Uh, sir, your ball wasn't even on the green.

ROCKET2: (muttering) It hasn't been the entire game…

ROCKETGRL: (whisper) I wonder how many other players he's hit by now?

ROCKET: (rubbing his head) He hit me twice…

ROCKETGRL: Well that's because you were blocking his shot—

ROCKET2: Which was nowhere near the hole.

GIOVANNI: Nitwits, quit flappin' your gums and play, damnit!

ALL ROCKETS: Yes, sir!!

GIOVANNI: (to Persian) Huh.  This is such a lousy game, _neh?_

PERSIAN: Mrowr…

GIOVANNI: (irritated) All that damned interference!  Infantile scum!  Now where is that cocktail waitress?

PERSIAN: (sweat drop) Peeer-sian?  Cocktail waitress??  At a golf course?!****

ROCKET: FORE!!

PERSIAN: MRROOWWR!!!  (the ball knocks him out)

GIOVANNI: (rubbing his temples) Jesse and James better be home soon because I'm really getting sick of this game…

ROCKET: UM, BOSS, I'M SORRY!  I DIDN'T SEE YOUR CAT THERE, I SWEAR!!

GIOVANNI: SHUT UP, BUFFOON, AND GIVE ME THAT 9-IRON!!!

ROCKET: AAAAGGGHHHH!!!

ROCKETGRL: He's been askin' for it.

ROCKET2: Ouch.  He's going to feel that in the morning…

**END EPISODE TWO**


	3. Episode 3: Dude, where’s the bus?

(9/30/00 & 1/28/01) **Episode #3: Dude, where's the bus?**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

CHAN-SAW

E. BEAR

The Twerp Trio plus PIKACHU & TOGEPI

MAN who looks like—

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

his PERSIAN

a BUS DRIVER plus some PASSENGERs

an old lady with a shopping cart

and some talking pineapples

**Scene I**

**(Team Rocket [minus Meowth] ****and the Rocket Girls are just getting out of the theatre)**

GALAXIA: That was such a good movie!

NEKO: It had a crappy plot.

JAMES: I didn't like it.

JESSE: What movie was it again?

NEKO: (sigh) I can't remember.

JESSE: Oh well.  I didn't watch much of it anyway.

GALAXIA: Okay, we _don't need to know this!_

JAMES: (ahem) What do you girls want to do now?  (hastily) Not requiring money, of course!

JESSE: (pout) There isn't much you can do without money.

NEKO: Face it: money makes the world go round.

GALAXIA: I thought it was love?

NEKO: No, that's the meaning of life.

JESSE: Love is the meaning of life?

NEKO: (starry-eyed) Yes…

JAMES: I told you that this morning, _koishíi._

JESSE: It just made more sense the way you said it…

GALAXIA: Well I can believe that.  Nothing Neko says makes sense.

NEKO: That's because my mind is more superior than all of yours'.

JESSE: Oh is that so?  Solve ¾x – ¼ = 2 and graph it on a coordinate plane for me!

NEKO: Aw, advanced algebra?!  That's dirty!

JESSE: Do it!  Now!

NEKO: Aaagh, no way!!  Galaxia, help me!!  Don't let her make me do it!!

GALAXIA: Cut it out, you two.  We need to think of something to do!

JAMES: Let's go back to the hideout and play Ghost in the Graveyard.

NEKO: Good idea!  (smacking him on the back) JAMES IS IT!!

JESSE & GALAXIA: (hitting him as well) YEAH!  JAMES IS IT!!

**(The three girls run off laughing towards the bus stop)**

JAMES: (evil snicker) They think they're so smart…  (giddy) I'm going to scare the crap out of them!!  (runs after them)

**Scene II**

**(Back in the annals of time, when giant lizards of death ruled the earth…)**

CHAN-SAW: Ooh, look, a pizza shop!

MEOWTH: WHAT?!  WHERE?!

E. BEAR: Chan-saw, this is primordial earth.  There aren't pizza shops.

CHAN-SAW: Ohhh…

MEOWTH: (still rubbernecking) WHERE, WHERE??!

E. BEAR: Okay, so let's run over this again.  We are stuck in like, really, _really ancient times when ugly killer lizards roam the earth and Meowth busted our only means of getting out of here, __neh?_

CHAN-SAW: And then lost it.  Don't forget that part!

MEOWTH: Ha, ha, you guys, it's not funny anymore, okay?

E. BEAR: Oh yeah, it's not funny alright, it friggin' SUCKS!!

CHAN-SAW: I can't believe you could be so dense!!

MEOWTH: (dryly) This coming from an overgrown marshmallow…

E. BEAR: Enough sarcasm, Darwin.  Just get us out of here already!

MEOWTH: Well whaddya want me ta do?!  Snap my fingers and say "hocus pocus" or somethin'?!

CHAN-SAW: Would that work?

MEOWTH: Why don't you try it.  I'm goin' ta retrace our steps and try 'n find dat time machine.

E. BEAR: Ooh yay, let's go for another wonderful mud-hike, everyone…

MEOWTH: Got any better ideas, Einstein?

**(E. Bear looks thoughtful while Chan-saw screams "hocus pocus" over and over again in the background)**

MEOWTH: Well?

E. BEAR: (cheerful) Lead on, oh fearless leader!

MEOWTH: (sigh) I have a feelin' we're headed for more sarcasm…

CHAN-SAW: The "hocus pocus" thing doesn't seem to be working, guys.  Guys?  Hey, wait for me, damnit!

**Scene III**

**(Present time, present…bus stop)  [-- Recognize the _Lain reference?]_**

GALAXIA: I hope I have enough money left on my bus pass.

NEKO: We might have to walk.  God, where the hell is the bus?!  Hey Jess, when's the bus s'pose to come again?  (silence)  Jess?

**(Looks over her shoulder and sees Jesse and James making-out)**

GALAXIA: Jeez, the least they could do is wait for the bus ride home.

NEKO: (huff) Aw, forget it!  I'll just complain until it comes, I guess!

GALAXIA: When _don't you complain, Né-chan?_

NEKO: Heh, heh, shut up, G-chan…

**(A lanky looking middle-aged man with scowling features walks up to the bus stop, broken beer bottle in one hand and a board with a nail in it in the other)**

MAN: Hey, do either of you girls know when the bus is suppose to arrive?

NEKO: (scoff) I wish!

GALAXIA: (pointing to Jesse) The only one who knows that is her, but I don't think you should interrupt her right now…

MAN: Damn!  I'm in a hurry!

NEKO: (irritated) Yeah, so are we.  (yelling into the night) Hurry up, you traffic-school reject!!

GALAXIA: Hey, you look familiar.  Kind of like—

MAN: No relation.

GALAXIA: But I didn't finish.

NEKO: Stupid-ass bus company!  I am so complaining about their service!  (looks at man) Hey, you look just like—

MAN: No relation.

NEKO: Oh well.

JESSE: (coming up for air) Hey, is that half-wit bus here yet?

NEKO: Nope.  You can go back to your CPR training.

JAMES: (whiny) Aw, I'm tired!  Neko, make it come sooner!

NEKO: (huff) Look, I'm trying Jamesie-wamesie, but I'm not _Jesus!_

JAMES: (whine) Why not?  (double-take) Né-chan, stop calling me that!

**(Misty suddenly sits up on the nearby bench)**

MISTY: Agh, I'm sleeping on a bench at a bus stop!!

ASH: (mutter) Wha—??  What's going on…??

TRACEY: (drowsy) Is the train here yet?

MISTY: I think we fell asleep.  But I don't remember how we got here.

TRACEY: Hey, what's that smell?  And why does my butt hurt?

ASH: Ooh, breath on Misty, rummy!

MISTY: One of you should go call someone to pick us up!  I'm sick of being stuck in this stupid town!

ASH: Who am I?  And what's a phone?

MISTY: Stop playing stupid, Ash!

PIKACHU: Piii—ka… My butt fell asleep…

GALAXIA: Hey, do you guys hear that?

JAMES: (scared) Sounds like voices!  Jesse, what if it's ghosts?!  (jumps in her arms) I'm scared!

JESSE: Urk, James, get offa' me…!

MAN: (twitch) Hey, one of those voices sounds familiar…

JAMES: (blink) Hey!  You're—

MAN: No relation.

JAMES: But you look just like—

NEKO & GALAXIA: No relation!

ASH: Look, Misty, why don't _you call someone?  I'm going back to sleep…_

MISTY: Ash Ketchum, get up and call me a cab, you street bum!

TRACEY: Urrgh…Too much noise…(looks green)

PIKACHU: Pii!  Arrgh!  It's still asleep!

JESSE: Hey!  That sounds like—

MAN: (raising his weapons) Ash Ketchum!

JAMES: You know him?

MAN: He's the little brat who called in a fake bomb threat to my photo development store!  I'M GONNA' KILL THAT LITTLE JACKASS!!

JESSE: (whisper) It's the clerk from the photo place!

JAMES: Eep!

MAN: What?

JESSE: Oh, nothing!  (angry) Let's get him!!

MAN: (diving at the three on the bench) AAARRRRGHHH!!!!

MISTY: Agh, gang-bangers!!

NEKO: (to Galaxia) Hey, that must be the bomb threat at that place we brought Gastly's film to!

GALAXIA: Yeah!  He cost us priceless memories!

NEKO: And blackmail material!  LET'S GET 'IM!!

**(Jesse, James, Neko, Galaxia and the strange man who looks like—)**

MAN: No relation.

**(—dive on the three clueless Pokémon trainers and accompanying Pokémon with a variety of blunt objects)**

TRACEY: Ooh, I think I'm going to be sick…!

PIKACHU: Pi, pi ka!!  Damnit, wake up!!

**(Pikachu unwittingly fries everyone present trying to wake it's own ass up)**

NEKO: (crispy) What the—??!!

MAN: God DAMNIT!!

JAMES: Ooh, look, your hair stands on end, Jesse!

JESSE: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

MISTY: Oh my God!!  Togepi!!  He's dead!!

GALAXIA: Why do I smell scrambled eggs?

TRACEY: Ooh, I really think I'm going to be sick…!  (pukes his guts out)

**(And as the entire group stands there recovering from the shock [pun totally intended] ****the bus stops and drives by)**

ASH: Uh, wasn't that the bus?

NEKO: Our ride!  Nooooo!!!

JAMES: (whining) I'm tired!  Make it come back!!

MISTY: (weep) Togepi!  Wake up!!  Come on, wake up!!

MAN: I really need to find a new job…(shuffles off)

**(Long, uncomfortable pause)**

NEKO: (eyebrow twitch) Jess, when does the next bus come?

JESSE: (twitch, twitch) Two-fifteen, Neko-chan…

JAMES: (droop) Is that _AM…?!_

GALAXIA: I _swear I'm smelling scrambled eggs…!_

MISTY: (indecipherable blubbering)

PIKACHU: (happily) Pi-ka!  That's better!

ASH: (mutter, grumble) …Stupid Pikachu…

TRACEY: (really green) You guys, I think I'm really sick…(starts puking again)

NEKO: (to Jesse) You're kidding me…

JESSE: Nope.  (blink, scowl)  You know what?  This is all—(grabs Ash) your fault!!

ASH: Yaa-aagh!  WhatI'ddo??!!

MISTY: (wailing) OH, THE HUMANITY!!  CUT DOWN IN IT'S PRIME!!

JAMES: It's just an egg.

MISTY: But it was a BABY egg!!

GALAXIA: (eye roll) Well, duh!

ASH: OW, OW!!  NOT MY EYES!!  PLEASE—JESSE, NOOOOO!!!!!!

**(Jesse has pinned Ash to the ground and is spraying mace from her purse in his eyes)**

JESSE: STUPID PUNK!!  Take that!!

ASH: (weeping like a little girl) Ow, ow, it buuuuuu-rrrnnnss!!

NEKO: Isn't mace illegal in this state?

GALAXIA: What state are we in?

NEKO: (exasperated) Well I have no idea!

TRACEY: (stumbling around) Whoa, is it just me or does the ground tip here?

JAMES: …Misty, could I have your Togepi?

NEKO: James, quit harassing Misty.

JAMES: What?!  I'm not harassing her!

GALAXIA: I wish we had lawn chairs or something.  These benches feel like concrete.

NEKO: Well while you're getting those lawn chairs, G-chan, why don't you just pick up some beach umbrellas and a bottle of suntan lotion too?

JAMES: Hey, I'd call that harassing!

NEKO: That's not harassment!  This is harassment!  (shoves Misty into the street)

JAMES: Oh, I see.  Because I thought harassment was like this!  (shoves Misty several times, making taunts)

MISTY: Waagh!  What's going on?!!

NEKO: Jamesie, don't you know you're not suppose to hit girls!  (punches him)

JAMES: Eeee!!

NEKO: Now get back here on the sidewalk, you psycho!  You're also not s'pose to play in the street!

JAMES: (weep) Neko, you sound like Jessebelle!  Cut it out!  (climbs up on the sidewalk)

MISTY: (sniff) You people are creepy and weird!

GALAXIA: (jumping up) Hey look!  It's the bus!

EVERYONE: WHERE??!!

**(WHAM!)**

NEKO: Nope.  Just a semi.

EVERYONE: Awwww…!

JAMES: (pouting angrily) This sucks!

ASH: (squinting from the mace in his eyes) Hey, where's Misty?

PIKACHU: Pika, pika!  Ah, it fell asleep again!

JAMES: (blink) I don't know.

NEKO: Um…I think the bus hit her.

ASH: …

TRACEY: Agh, help!  The cement's coming at me!  (falls on his face)

JESSE: Er…

JAMES: (happily) Scrambled eggs!!  (grabs a fork and knife and dives at the fried Togepi)

ASH: (sigh) I'm going home…(stumbles off blindly)

TRACEY: Ash, wait!!  The cement's got me…!

NEKO: (yawn) Damnit, I'm tired!  Move over, James!  I'm using your shoulder as a pillow!

JAMES: (pout) Awww!  (hopeful) Does anyone have any salsa?

JESSE: Just move over so I can sleep on your other shoulder…

GALAXIA: Hey, what shoulder do I get?!

**Scene IV**

**(On a runaway bus on its way out of town…)**

CASSIDY: We're running out of road!  What'll we do?!

BUTCH: You take the wheel!  I'm going to try and disarm the bomb!

CASSIDY: You don't know how to disarm a bomb!

BUTCH: I also don't know how to drive a bus.

CASSIDY: You moron.

BUS DRIVER: As soon as you stop this bus, I'm calling the police!  You can't just walk in here and take over my bus!

CASSIDY: (evil laughter) It seems we have, tubby!  Why don't you just enjoy the drive?

BUTCH: Yeah!

CASSIDY: BUTCH, WATCH OUT FOR THAT POLE!!

BUTCH: AAAAGGGHHH!!  (swerves)

PASSENGER: You're going to kill us all, you moron!

PASSENGER2: Can I be refunded?  Hello?

BUS DRIVER: Look, it doesn't say anything in the hand guide about psychos taking over the bus being a cause for bus tab refunds, buddy.

PASSENGER2: Man, that sucks!  I'm going to slash your seats!

BUS DRIVER: Hey, those are city property!

BUTCH: Sis, what's the point of us stealing this bus and strapping a bomb to it anyway?

CASSIDY: (irritated) You moron!!  Don't you know anything?!  …  (long pause) Well…it doesn't matter!  And Butch, we didn't really strap a bomb to the bus.  That was just a lie to get them to hand the bus over to us!

BUTCH: (sweat drop) Uh, we didn't…?

**(Long pause)**

CASSIDY: Butch, please don't tell me you really strapped a bomb to the bus…

BUTCH: Okay, I won't.

CASSIDY: YOU HALF-WITTED IMBECILE!!!!

BUTCH: What?!  I didn't say it!!

PASSENGER3: (screaming insanely) AAAAGGGHHH, WE'RE BEING DRIVEN TO OUR INEVITABLE DEATHS!!!  WE'RE ALL GONNA' BE SWALLOWED BY THE FLAMES OF DAMNATION!!!!  (dives out the window, screaming in horror)

PASSENGER2: Jeez, lighten up dude.

**(Back at the bus stop)**

NEKO: Dude, where's the bus?

JAMES: Where's the bus, dude?

GALAXIA: Dude, where's the bus?

NEKO: Where's the bus, dude?

JAMES: Dude, where's the bus?

JESSE: I'm not saying that.

NEKO: Dude, say it!

JAMES: Say it, dude!

JESSE: Stop saying 'dude'.

GALAXIA: Dude, why do we keep saying 'dude'?

JESSE: That's what I want to know.

JAMES: …

NEKO: …

GALAXIA:  …??…

JESSE: (annoyed) What?

JAMES: You didn't say 'dude'.

JESSE: (whacks him)

JAMES: DUDE!!

NEKO: Dude, that was harsh.

GALAXIA: Yeah, dude.  Harsh.

JAMES: Ow, dude!

JESSE: Quit it, you three!!  It's bad enough we've been stuck here all night—I really don't need this crap!

NEKO: What crap?

JAMES: My head still hurts!

JESSE: Well, at least you stopped saying—

GALAXIA: Oh my God, she's gonna' say 'dude'!!

NEKO & JAMES: GALAXIA!!  (bonk)

JESSE: (sigh) You three are morons…

GALAXIA: Ow, dudes!  Why'd you do that?!

NEKO: Dude, you are so lame.

JAMES: Way lame, dude.

JESSE: (on her knees) Where is the bus?!!!

**(The bus flies by)**

CASSIDY: AAAAAAAGGGHHHH, BUTCH SLOW DOWN!!!!!!

BUTCH: I CAAAAAAAAANNNN'TTTTT!!!!

CASSIDY: WHYYYYYY?!!!?!!

BUTCH: THE BUS WILL EXPLODE IF I GO UNDER FIFTY-FIVE MPH!!!!!!

CASSIDY: AT LEAST WATCH OUT FOR THAT PARK BENCH!!!!!!!

BUS DRIVER: THAT'S NOT A PARK BENCH, THAT'S AN OLD LADY PUSHING A SHOPPING CART!!!!!!

ALL: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

BUTCH: RUN, OLD LADY, RUN!!!!

~~~~~~~~

GALAXIA: Hey, is that an old lady pushing a shopping cart?

NEKO: Ohmigod, they're gonna'—

JAMES: FOR THE LOVE OF FUZZY-BUNNIES, RUN, OLD LADY, RUN!!!!!!

**(Once again we return to the brutal, primeval swamps of ancient earth…)**

CHAN-SAW: Oh my, isn't that an old lady pushing a shopping cart?

E. BEAR: Chan-saw, what the hell are you talking about?

CHAN-SAW: (weep) I don't know!  Everything's such a blur!

MEOWTH: (grumble) Good God, she's delirious…

E. BEAR: It must have been those strange-colored mushrooms we fed her awhile back.

MEOWTH: Don't look at me!  I told her not to eat 'em!

E. BEAR: I guess I'm to blame.  I was kind of curious what they'd do to her.

CHAN-SAW: You guys?!  Where are you guys?!  And where did these talking pineapples come from?

MEOWTH: Maybe some more mushrooms would reverse da effect.

E. BEAR: Let's try it.

CHAN-SAW: Agh, stay away from me, pineapples!!  I have a chainsaw!

E. BEAR: Ow!  She's hitting me, Meowth!

MEOWTH: Good idea, buddy!  You keep 'er busy while I shove da mushrooms down her throat.

CHAN-SAW: Take that!  You won't get me, pineapple!

E. BEAR: Hurry up!  Before she remembers how to rev it!

MEOWTH: Wow, she's really givin' ya a beatin' with dat t'ing!

E. BEAR: QUIT GAWKING AND GIVE HER THE 'SHROOMS, DAMNIT!!!

MEOWTH: Dis reminds me of an Eminem song…

**(Back in the present…)**

JESSE: Well, it sure is a good thing the bus missed that old lady.

GALAXIA: Her poor shopping cart, though.

NEKO: Yeah, it's also a pity it MISSED US!!!

ALL: ARRRRGGGGHHHH…!!!!

~~~~~~~~

BUTCH: I sure am glad I missed that old lady.

CASSIDY: Butch, what does it matter?!  We're still stuck on this explosive bus!!

BUS DRIVER: (looking through some papers) I hope my insurance covers bombing and hostage situations…

PASSENGER3: AAAAAGGGGHHHH, THE BUS HAS BECOME A VEHICLE OF EXPLOSIVE FLAMING DOOM!!!!!!  WE'LL ALL BE SENT TO A FIERY, HELLISH DEATH!!!  (dives, screaming, through the window)

BUTCH: Hey, didn't that guy already dive out the window?

CASSIDY: This is getting creepy…

**[Author's Note: Don't people ever die around here?!?]**

**(As if to prove my point, Misty and Togepi can be seen sleeping in the back of the bus)**

**[Author's Note: This is getting creepy…]**

CASSIDY: That's what I said.

BUTCH: Sis, can we stop at the next rest stop?  I have to go the bathroom!

CASSIDY: You moron, the bus will explode if we stop!

BUTCH: (whine) But I really have to go…!

CASSIDY: Next time we steal a blimp.

PASSENGER: Hey, I have to go to the bathroom too!

PASSENGER4: Could we stop for burgers?

PASSENGER2: The guy next to me just threw up all over my lap!

BUS DRIVER: Aaargh, it's _not covered in my insurance!_

**Scene V**

**(The front stoop of Team Rocket's secret hideout)**

GIOVANNI: Where are those buffoons?  I've been waiting here for hours!

PERSIAN: Rowwwrrr…  Damnit, my butt fell asleep…!

GIOVANNI: You said it, Persian!  I should drastically cut their paychecks!

PERSIAN: (growl)  …Wake…up…!

GIOVANNI: Hmm, I see your point.  There really isn't anything to cut.

**(Jesse, James, Neko-chan, and Galaxia come crawling out of the woods)**

NEKO: (gasp) Finally!

JAMES: (in tears) I'm just going to lay down here on the steps and take a nap now…Wake me up in a few days…

JESSE: (crying rivers) Urrgh…Me too…

GALAXIA: (weep) Will someone help drag me to my bed?

GIOVANNI: What are you half-wits doing crawling around like a bunch of mindless worms?!

**(Everyone jumps and looks up in surprise)**

ALL: B-BOSS?!

JESSE: What are you doing here?!

JAMES: This place is a secret!

GIOVANNI: I bribed some pathetic pizza boy to give me the location.

GALAXIA: (shaking a fist) That stupid pizza boy!

GIOVANNI: You four have a lot of explaining to do!

PERSIAN: Rowr!!

**(The four jump to their feet, at attention)**

ALL: Yessir!  Sorry, sir!

JAMES: (weakly) Um, could we take a nap first, sir?

GIOVANNI: NO!

ALL: Awww…

NEKO: (mutter) This looks bad.

GALAXIA: Yeah, now we're never going to get any sleep!

NEKO: That's not quite what I meant.

**END EPISODE THREE**


	4. Episode 4: A Little Rewiring

(7/04/01 — 7/05/01) **Episode #4: A Little Re-Wiring**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

CHAN-SAW

E. BEAR

BUTCH

CASSIDY

ARBOK

RAICHU

FLAREON

The BOSS

The Boss's PERSIAN

MONDO, Team Rocket Elite's 'Special Delivery Member Trainee' **[*Note: not my creation]**

a Swedish YODELER

a DESK CLERK from the Assignment Placement Division at Team Rocket

Moses/'Charleton Heston'

KIOSUKE: otherwise known as KIO; another Rocket cadet—cocky and brash, a good-looking man with marine-green hair and gold eyes, about 19 years-old

a VOICE RECORDING high-tech security system, otherwise known as VERSION 6.0

some GUARDS, high-security light-sensitive robots, a swarm of locusts, some Japanese peasants, some angry samurai, and…and…that's all.  (Phew.)

**Scene I**

**(Team Rocket headquarters; Jesse, James, Galaxia and Neko-chan are standing outside a door marked 'Room 213: Assignment Placement Division'…)**

JAMES: (sighs) So much for vacation…

NEKO: (upset) I can't believe this!  So we don't answer the bloody phone a few times—big deal!  Why'd he have to cut our vacation short?!

GALAXIA: Well, it was pretty long anyway…Shouldn't we go in?

JESSE: (ignoring her and looking nervous) I wonder what kind of assignments the Boss has in store for us?

JAMES: (sharing a nervous glance w/Jesse) Do you think he'll send us after Pikachu again?

JESSE: (shaking) James, don't be pessimistic!

GALAXIA: Maybe we should go in and get it over with…?

NEKO: (squaring her shoulders) Okay, crew!  Enough blubbering!  Let's just get in there, and find out what horrible, unmentionable assignments he's put us up to!

**(There is a moment of tense silence, and then all four burst into frightened hysterics)**

JAMES: _Mommy!_

JESSE: (gathering her courage) Okay, you guys, cut it out!  The Boss is just trying to…scare us, after all.

JAMES: (sniffling) Well he's doing a good job of it!  (Jesse gives him a mild blow to the head)

NEKO: (equally steadfast) Right, Jess!  Just playing us.  (makes as if to go in, but freezes) Galaxia, you go first.

GALAXIA: (terrified) No way!

JESSE: (shoving James) You go, James!  You're brave!

JAMES: NO I'M NOT!!

NEKO: Oh no, we can't go in there!  Look!  It's room 213!

JESSE: Yeah.  So?

NEKO: Hello?  Room 213?  Only the most evil-concentrated room in the Overlook Hotel!

GALAXIA: Huh?

NEKO: You know!  '_Redrum, redrum!!'  (hysterical) I REFUSE TO GO IN THERE!!_

JAMES: I think Neko reads too much…

NEKO: (paranoid) Agh!  Did you hear that?  It's the lady in the bathtub!!

JESSE: Neko, I think you need to be dropped off at the medical ward as soon as we're done here.

NEKO: (haunted look) _Redrum…redrum…redrum…_

GALAXIA: (reaching for the doorknob) Okay, I think I'm more scared of Neko now, so I'm just gonna' go inside…

**(They all enter, Jesse having to physically drag a spastic Neko inside)**

JAMES: (nervously) It's…not so scary.

JESSE: Don't jinx us.

DESK CLERK: (dryly) Names?

JAMES: Uh…Bob?

JESSE: (quickly) And Susie!

NEKO: Princess Louisa-Francesca Contessa-May Banna-fanna Alloesca, but you can call me 'Dot'.

GALAXIA: God.

DESK CLERK: (unfazed) _Real names?_

**(They all grudgingly give him their names)**

DESK CLERK: Ah, yes!  The…um…Elite team and cadets.  (scans his sheet) Lessee…Jesse and James?

J&J: Yes?

DESK CLERK: It says here that you are to report directly to the Boss's office for specific instructions.  New detail.

**(Both gulp nervously)**

DESK CLERK: (ignoring their terror) You—cadets?  Neko and Galaxia?

BOTH: Yeah?

DESK CLERK: You are to report to training headquarters where you will receive further training instructions, due to the fact that—and I quote—"your current trainers are incompetent, nincompoops"—end quote—whereupon release (upon approved inspection of abilities as proper Team members) you will be assigned to your new partners.

**(…And cue the stunned silence)**

NEKO: (low voice) What?

GALAXIA: (close to tears) Sir, I don't like this assignment…!

NEKO: (furious) _Why are we being removed from Jesse and James' care?!_

DESK CLERK: (reading his sheet) "Because your current trainers are incompetent nin—"

NEKO: I HEARD THAT PART!

JESSE: (whispering) Jeez, rub it in, why doesn't he?

**(James merely manages a tiny, pathetic noise of disapproval)**

GALAXIA: (panicking) But Jesse and James are suppose to train us!

DESK CLERK: And apparently His Superior Mightiness, Oh-Ruler of All Team Rocket has decided otherwise.

NEKO: (grumbling darkly) …Oh Gigantic Poopy-Pants-ed-ness One…

JESSE: There must be a mistake!  Surely the Boss wouldn't—

JAMES: Oh, he would.

NEKO: (enraged) And he'd do it with a happy face!

DESK CLERK: (glancing idly at his notes) Oh, well look at that.  He did.  (smiling dryly) Very pro-work ethic, if I must say.

**(Neko dives across the desk and grabs the little man by the collar)**

NEKO: I demand to see the Boss as well!!

DESK CLERK: (flatly) I'm sorry, but I can't do that.  Now please let go of my shirt before I have you transferred to Dept. 116: Care of Feral Pokémon.

**(Neko drops him hastily)**

DESK CLERK: (dusting himself off) Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have a list of other members I must attend to, so I'd suggest you all toddle along to your assignments, then.

NEKO: Stuff-shirt bastard!

DESK CLERK: Oh my, now where is that number again?

NEKO: (growl) Oh, forget it!  (under breath) Lower management—hunh!

**(All four leave the room, looking stricken and dejected.  Except for Neko, who continues to stew angrily)**

JAMES: (tiny voice) Guess the Boss was really mad.

GALAXIA: Yeah, guess so.  (sniff)

JESSE: This is ridiculous!  He can't break us apart!  We're a team now!  We've been working together for…well, it wasn't quite so long but it was interesting.

NEKO: Yeah!  God damnit, we bought groceries together!

JAMES: And grilled burgers together!

JESSE: We've outsmarted Black Ninjas—

GALAXIA: And drunken ducks—

JAMES: Photo clerks—

NEKO: Huh?

GALAXIA: And lecherous pizza delivery boys!

JESSE: Right!

NEKO: They can't tear us apart now!  Not when we've become such an unstoppable weapon of apocalyptic power!

JAMES: (tapping her shoulder) Uh, Neko?  Getting carried away.

NEKO: Oh.  Sorry.

GALAXIA: (bursting into tears) This is so unfair!

NEKO: I think I'm gonna' quit.

OTHERS: _Neko-chan!_

NEKO: Just kidding.  (angry again) But I'm really pissed!

JESSE: Join the club!

JAMES: Nothing new there.  Jesse's like, perpetually pissed.

JESSE: (hitting him) James, _koishíi, shut up._

GALAXIA: Well, since this might well be goodbye for some time, I say we go for burgers before the intended death sentence.

JAMES: Ooh, food!

NEKO: Why is he so easily diverted?

JESSE: Man may never know.  How about we get some lattes as well?  Sound good?

NEKO: Woo-hoo!  COFFEE!!

GALAXIA: And she was saying?

JESSE: (sigh) Come on.  Let's just get these two to a diner before they drown us in drool…

**Scene II**

**(Inside the Boss's office…)**

CASSIDY: (whispering to Butch) I can't believe the Boss is taking us up on that offer I made him over a month ago!  This is horrible!

BUTCH: (scowling) Well don't look at me!  You're the one who made it!

CASSIDY: It was a ploy to sabotage them, moron, not to ruin our own futures!  (moan) Oh God, we're doomed now!  We'll never make it to Elite, and it will be all those two blockheads' faults!  The idiocy!

BUTCH: Hey, does this mean we aren't on Hot Wheels duty anymore?

CASSIDY: Of course we won't be, Butch!  And Amen to that…  Now be quiet so I don't have to listen to anymore of your idiotic babble.

BUTCH: (sigh) Oh, but I liked Hot Wheel duty.  Damn.

CASSIDY: (hitting him) I said quiet, half-wit!

BUTCH: Ow!

**(The door opens a crack and the Boss's Persian saunters in, giving the two Rockets a hungry glare)**

BUTCH: (nervously) …Nice kitty…

CASSIDY: (to the Persian) Oh, what are _you glaring at?  Beat it._

**(The cat sniffs distastefully and walks back out)**

CASSIDY: (derisive) Mangy feline.

BOSS: (entering behind them) What was that, Cassidy?

**(Both jump in terror)**

CASSIDY: Uh, nothing, sir!  Just…mumbling to myself!

BOSS: Hmmm…mumbling to oneself is a sign of mental instability…

CASSIDY: (nervous laugh) Ah…well, not quite mumbling, sir…but…you see…I think that I…

BOSS: Oh, shut up, you lay-about grunt work!  Now, as you know, I've brought you both here to meet with your new Team members, which should be arriving any minute now, I might add.  (grumbling) Now where is that damn cat of mine?

CASSIDY: Uh…

BUTCH: Is he supposed to be our new partner?

**(The Boss ignores him while Cassidy gives him a rough kick to the shins)**

BUTCH: Ow!

BOSS: Oh, never mind!  (seats himself) Now, we'll get started as soon as those three arrive.

(glares angrily at the clock) WELL?!  WHERE ARE THEY, GOD DAMNIT?!

CASSIDY: Errr…

BUTCH: (whimper) Sir, may I have a Band-Aid?

BOSS: Certainly not!  Have you no stamina, you waste-of-perfect-oxygen-filth-magnet?!

BUTCH: Uh…What was the question again?

BOSS: (irritated sigh) Oh, very well.  Have a Band-Aid!  (hands him a Band-Aid with little smiley faces on it)

BUTCH: Ooh!  Smileys!

**(Jesse and James suddenly rush into the room, looking terrified and breathless.  They straighten stiffly and give the Boss quick, apologetic bows)**

J&J: Sorry, sir!  Sorry we're late!  It won't happen again!!

BOSS: IT HAD BETTER NOT, YOU NITWITS, OR YOU'LL BE KISSING THE CURB!!  (calming himself) Now…care for a lemon drop?

**(Both decline, giving him weird looks, and take their seats across from Butch and Cassidy)**

**(Both Teams gasp suddenly, as if just realizing the others' presence, and glare fiercely at one another)**

JESSE: Cassidy.

CASSIDY: Jesse…

BUTCH: James!

JAMES: Botch…

BUTCH: Hey, it's Butch, dumbass!

JAMES: Sorry.

BOSS: Aw, you all know each other!  (angry pout) Does nobody want a lemon drop?

JESSE: (pointing angrily at Cassidy) What are _you doing here?_

CASSIDY: I believe, the same thing _you are doing here, __Jessica.  Or haven't you figured it out yet?_

JESSE: (slightly apprehensive) Figured what out?

JAMES: What _are we doing here?  (eep) I think I forgot my doggie bag at the restaurant!_

BUTCH: Is this some sort of giant game of _Clue?_

BOSS: (losing his temper) YOU IMBECILES!!  YOU ARE BEING PARTNERED TOGETHER!!  HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF LOGIC?!

BUTCH: Err…Can I have the question repeated?

JESSE: (horrified) _Partnered together?_

JAMES: (equally horrified) With _Botch?!_

BUTCH: It's BUTCH!!

CASSIDY: (looking disgusted) Yes, partnered together.  I suggested that we may…benefit one another if partnered together, and the Boss decided to give it a try.  (she pauses darkly) Unfortunately.

BUTCH: (confidentially) Talk about stupid, huh?

**(Cassidy left-hooks him while Jesse and James exchange stricken glances)**

JAMES: Pinch me!  I really need to wake up now!

JESSE: I think we're going to need more than a pinch to get out of this, James…

BOSS: So, now that we're all getting along, let's get to your assignment!

**(Looks up to see Jesse and Cassidy duking it out and James and Butch having a catfight in the corner)**

BOSS: (losing his temper again) I said, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL GETTING ALONG!!

**(They cease fighting and scurry hastily for their seats)**

BOSS: (sighing loudly) Where is that damn Persian?

**Scene III**

**(We once again join Meowth-tachi in the ancient swamp-forests of prehistoric earth…)**

CHAN-SAW: (stomach growling) Is anyone else here STARVING?

E. BEAR: (slightly crazed) Do you smell burritos?  'Cuz—huh, huh—I swear I smell burritos!

MEOWTH: (panicky) We have got to find a way outta' here!  First Chan-saw an' now E. Bear!  Next _I'm gonna' be da one dat's delusional!_

CHAN-SAW: You're always delusional!

MEOWTH: AGGHH!!  Make it stop!!

**(Scene cuts to Arbok, Raichu and a paranoid-looking Flareon playing Ping-Pong in the backyard of Team Rocket's Hideout)**

ARBOK: (pausing thoughtfully) Huh.

RAICHU: What?  You look all…deep 'n stuff, y'know.

ARBOK: (hissing dismissively) Oh, it's nothing.  It just occurred to me, though.

FLAREON: (glancing about furtively) What occurred to you?  (jumps nervously) Was that a footstep?

ARBOK: That it has been several days since I've seen either Meowth, Chan-saw, or Evil Bear-mon.  In fact, I think it has been almost two weeks now.

RAICHU: Huh, really?  Imagine that.

**(They all go back to playing)**

FLAREON: There it is again!  It's Galaxia!  Hide me!  (dives under the table)

ARBOK: You know, another thing just occurred to me as well.

RAICHU: And what is that?

ARBOK: That I am playing PING-PONG WITH A BUNCH OF DELUSIONAL FREAKS NOT WORTHY OF MY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!!  (throws his paddle and glides away angrily)

RAICHU: Hunh!  Well delusional yourself, you overgrown garden hose.

**(Back to the primordial swamp thing…)**

NEKO: Uh, Galaxia…what are we doing in this primordial swamp?

GALAXIA: …Well…(looking in confusion at a map) I thought I followed the map right…

**(Whoops.  Wrong characters)**

MEOWTH: Do you ever get the feelin' you're bein' played?

E. BEAR: All the time.

MEOWTH: Just asking.

CHAN-SAW: You wanna' give the time machine another shot?

MEOWTH: We lost da time machine, lamebrain!

CHAN-SAW: No, you did!  (hits him with her chainsaw)

MEOWTH: OW!!  Knock it off!

CHAN-SAW: Not until you get us out of here!  You're responsible, so fix it!

E. BEAR: Haven't we been over this before?  I'm gonna' look for edibles…

MEOWTH: Hey, wait a second!  I just got an idea!  (grabs Chan-saw's chainsaw)

CHAN-SAW: Hey!

E. BEAR: What?  If this involves you murdering us with that chainsaw, then I'm not helping.

MEOWTH: No, moron.  If I can figure out da correct configurations, we might be able to hot-wire dis baby into a makeshift time machine!

E. BEAR: Oh man, why didn't I think of that?

MEOWTH: Because you're stupid.

CHAN-SAW: Not _my chainsaw, you're not!  (grabs it from Meowth)_

MEOWTH: Chan-saw, quit bein' stupid and give me back da chainsaw.

CHAN-SAW: No!  Get your own!  I've lost my chainsaw way too many times—I'm not going to lose another one!

E. BEAR: Oh, get a grip, Chan-saw!  Why're you so obsessed with that stupid power tool anyway?

CHAN-SAW: (sighing dreamily) Because it's beautiful!  (turning scary) AND IT'S SHARP AND DEADLY AND YOU CAN CHOP THINGS WITH IT!!!  (insane giggling)

E. BEAR: Err… (seriously disturbed)

MEOWTH: You need to get a new hobby.  (grabs the chainsaw again) Now quit mopin'!  We need dis ta get outta' here, so you'll just have ta make da sacrifice!

CHAN-SAW: If you hurt her, I'll HUNT YOU DOWN WITH HER!!

E. BEAR: It's a 'she'?

MEOWTH: Alright already!  (rolling his eyes) Sheesh!  Anyone got duct tape?

**Scene IV**

**(We now join a Swedish yodeler in the Swiss Alps…)**

YODELER: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—COOOOOLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  (gasps from lack of oxygen and tumbles headfirst off the mountain)

**(Okay now, back to the story)**

**(Right, so now we find ourselves at the Team Rocket training grounds…)**

NEKO: Otherwise known as 'Hell on Turf'.

GALAXIA: Oh my God!  Is that a man…or a woman?

NEKO: I think it's a combination of both.  Hard to tell with all those disgustingly massive muscles and sinew.

GALAXIA: We're not going to be someone's bitches, are we?

NEKO: Not if you shut up and sneak out with me before we can.

**(Both start sneaking away and accidentally bump into someone)**

GALAXIA: Oh!  Sorry!

MONDO: (smiling) It's no problem.  Hey!  I recognize you!

NEKO: (haggard) No, she was not on the cover of Kohl's, if that's what you're thinking.

MONDO: (confused) Oh, well…no.  Aren't you those cadets that were assigned to Jesse and James-san?

NEKO: Uh, yeah?  How'd you know?

MONDO: (beaming) I am their Special Delivery Member Trainee!  (hugging them insanely) They have told me so much about you!  I am honored!

NEKO: Uh, thanks.  Are you high?

GALAXIA: Strange.  They've never mentioned _you._

MONDO: (recovering himself) Oh, that is because Jesse and James-san are quite embarrassed of my help to them.  They are such brilliant Team members!  I merely try my hardest to impress and earn their respect, and do not truly aid them enough for their kindness!

GALAXIA: You talk strange.

MONDO: Thank you so much!  You must be Miss Galaxia.

GALAXIA: Uh-huh.  This is my best friend Neko.

MONDO: (grinning excitedly) Yes, yes!  Honored to meet you Miss Neko!  You much remind me of Miss Jesse!

NEKO: (eyebrow twitching) Yeah?  And how's that?

MONDO: You share her vibrant personality and strong character, as well as her charming looks!

NEKO: Oh.  (grinning cattily and throwing an arm over his shoulders) I think I'm starting to like this guy!

GALAXIA: What about me?

**(Suddenly a whistle blows)**

MONDO: Oh dear!  So sorry, ladies!  I must be off to the aide training grounds!

NEKO: Wait!  Can you tell us where we're supposed to go?

MONDO: Over there.  The head trainers should be able to assist you.

GALAXIA: Thanks.

**(Both head in the indicated direction)**

NEKO: Which ones are the head trainers?

GALAXIA: Probably the ones with the whistles.

**(A guy in an all-black cadet's uniform turns in the crowd, blinking upon seeing the two Rockettes)**

GUY: Hey, you girls new?

NEKO: (defensively) Kinda'.  What's it to ya?

GUY: You just looked like you could use some help.

NEKO: (embarrassed) Um, thanks.

GALAXIA: (flirtatiously) I'm Galaxia.  This grouch is Neko.

NEKO: Hey!  I am not a grouch!

GUY: Kiosuke, but most just call me Kio.  (sly grin) It's okay.  I like tough girls.

NEKO: Hey, look, _Kio, Galaxia and I don't need your kind of help, so why don't you just beat it?_

GALAXIA: Neko, don't be such a priss!  Of course we'd like the help!

KIO: (ignoring Galaxia and smirking teasingly at Neko) Ooh, kitty's got claws!  So sorry for offering.  (starts to drift away) I'm sure you'll figure out the drill after a few run-ins with the Lady Bull…

NEKO: (looking uneasy) Uh…wait!  What's this…Lady Bull?

KIO: (real casual) Oh, just the women's overall head trainer.  Nothing to worry about.  Now, since you don't want my help…

NEKO: (grabbing his collar angrily) Listen, buster, when I say I don't need your help, you'll know it!  Now tell us more about this chick…

GALAXIA: (sighing loudly) Well, not the best methods, but at least she's…cooperating.  Sort of.

KIO: (sarcastically) Not exactly my idea of the start of a beautiful relationship…

NEKO: Oh, shut up and spill!

**Scene V**

**(Cerulean City a few days later.  Jesse and James are positioned outside a large warehouse, hidden in the bushes)**

JESSE: This is the stupidest idea in the world!  I can't believe we're on this stupid mission!

JAMES: Just calm down, Jesse.  I'm sure Butch and Cassidy will pull this off right.  (shivering nervously) Otherwise the Boss will skin us all alive.

JESSE: (grumping sourly) Well I wish we had Meowth with us.  I'd feel a lot better with him as back-up.  An extra member would give us an advantage against those two conniving rats!

JAMES: (sidling closer) At least it means we're alone, though.

JESSE: (impishly) How much longer till we have to hit the place?

JAMES: (wrapping his arms around her) About an hour.  (nuzzles her neck)

**[Author's Input: Oh blech!  Gross!  Knock it off!]**

JESSE: (looking about) What was that?

JAMES: (grumpy) Aw, who cares!  We haven't done anything for days, what with those two morons constantly around!

JESSE: (groan) Oh, don't remind me!

**(She grabs him roughly by the collar and they commence to make-out rather wildly for the next half-hour)**

**[Back to less revolting things…]**

BUTCH: Hey sis, what do you think those two morons are up to?

CASSIDY: Oh, probably off groping somewhere in the bushes!  Quit bothering me, Butch!

BUTCH: Blech.  Disturbing images.  (shaking himself)  Do you think they'll pull it off?

CASSIDY: What, their clothes?

BUTCH: (revolted) AGH, NO!!  More images!

CASSIDY: (eye roll) Oh, you mean the plan.  (dangerously) They'd better, if they want to keep their heads.  The Boss is counting on us pulling this thing off, or we'll _all be off the payroll!  Including us.  They can't afford to screw up, and neither can we._

BUTCH: (sarcastic) Well, thanks for the support.

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch.  Just help me finish these wirings.

**(Back with Team Make-out)**

JESSE: I can't wait 'till this stupid mission is over.

JAMES: Me too.  (pause) I hope those two know what they're doing.

JESSE: (grumbling) Probably hot-wiring the place to explode when we set foot in the door.

JAMES: Eep!  Jesse, let's run away!  We could change our names!  Become grocers!

JESSE: James, get a grip!  Besides, why would we want a lame job like that?

JAMES: Incongruous?

JESSE: Hmm, true.  Hey, where'd you get a big word like that?

JAMES: (cheerily) I've been studying the dictionary so as to better my vocabulary and appear less ignorant!  (pulls out a large dictionary and flips open a page) Jesse, _koishíi, you are very—resplendent._

JESSE: (groan) Why couldn't I have a normal boyfriend?

JAMES: Hey, let's look up big words to call Butch and Cassidy so they don't know what we're calling them!

JESSE: (lighting up) Ooh, good idea!  Look up…harlot.  I want to see if there are any other forms of that.

**[Author's Input: Is this how they spend they're free time?]**

**(Let's go again to that snow-covered mountaintop in the Swiss Alps, where the unfortunate Swedish yodeler continues to tumble to his inevitable death…)**

YODELER: HELLL—(whomp)—LLLLLP!!!  OOOO—(wham)—OOWW!!  AAAAIIIIIEEEEE—(wham, bang, smash)—IIIIEEEE!!!!!

**[Well, that's not much more interesting, is it?]**

YODELER: MOOMMMIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!

**(Scene cut back to our heroes…)**

JESSE: James, there's the signal!  It's show time!

JAMES: (whine) But Jess, I'm not finished with the 'L' section—(Jesse cuts him off with a whack to the head) Owwie!

JESSE: Come on, rocks-for-brains!

JAMES: (tut-tutting) Must we always use violence?

**(Jesse hits him again and they both head towards the back door of the warehouse)**

JESSE: (tapping the security camera nervously) Think it's off?

JAMES: (wiggling) I don't know!  Let's just go inside!  I have to go to the bathroom!

JESSE: (rolls her eyes) Oh, James…(sighs and enters, followed by James)

JAMES: Ouch!  Jesse, move over!  I can't move in here!

JESSE: Well turn the flashlight on, idiot!

JAMES: Flashlight?  I thought _you had the flashlight?_

JESSE: WHAT?!  James, don't tell me you—

CASSIDY: (from somewhere in the darkness) Oh, would you both quit bickering and get over here!

BUTCH: (muttering) Morons.

JAMES: (muttering to Jesse) Slave driver.  (Jesse nods, though James can't see it)

**(Cassidy flicks her flashlight on, illuminating the interior of the warehouse)**

CASSIDY: Alright, we'll split up again.  Butch, give Jesse your flashlight.  Now, Jesse, you 'n your partner take care of the guards down the right corridor while Butch and I hit the upper storage compartments—

JESSE: Wait a second!  _You guys take the guards, James and __I will get the loot!  You're not the boss around here, Cassidy!_

CASSIDY: Well, I'm certainly the only one here qualified for the position.  Just do it—

BUTCH: Hey, who says you get to be boss, sis?

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch.  I don't need your crap as well.

JAMES: Yeah, well Butch is right!  Who died and made you queen?

CASSIDY: (rolling her eyes) I can only wish…Shut up, pansy.

JESSE: Hey, who are you calling a pansy, you old troll?!  Seems to me you just think you can waltz in and take over this mission without any say-so from the rest of us.

JAMES: Yeah!

BUTCH: Uh-huh!

CASSIDY: (glaring at Butch) You turning on me, Butch?  (Butch looks timid) I thought so.  Just shut up and let me take care of these two.

JESSE: (icily) If I remember correctly, none of us are going to make it out of this mission with our jobs if we don't work together and pull this off right.  So I suggest you back down, Cassidy, and let the rest of us take charge.

CASSIDY: (snidely) What's with the sudden willingness to _share, Jessica?  Never seemed one for fairness before._

JESSE: (insulted) Maybe it's your own added penchant for cruelty that blinds you, _Cassidy._

CASSIDY: My, big words, Jess!  Been studying the dictionary?

JAMES: As a matter of fact—

JESSE: (blushing angrily) Shut up, James.

BUTCH: (nervously) Um…guys…I think we're attracting a little attention…

ALL: SHUT UP, BUTCH!!

**(Suddenly, they can hear running in the dark)**

GUARD'S VOICE: Hey, what's going on in here?!

2ND GUARD: Someone pull the alarms—we've got intruders!

CASSIDY: Oh shi—

JESSE: Shut up and run!

**(They all make a break for it)**

JAMES: Wait, Jesse!  I still have to go to the bathroom!

JESSE: James, would you please shut—

BUTCH: Hey, watch it!

JESSE: Well get out of my way, you—hey!

CASSIDY: Well how'm I suppose to see anything in this darkness!

JESSE: Oh, you did that on purpose, you har—

BUTCH: OUCH!!  That was me you hit, moron!

CASSIDY: (low hiss) Both of you shut up, they'll hear us!

JESSE: Ouch!  James, you're standing on my foot!

BUTCH: I'm not James!

CASSIDY: Both of you shut u—

JESSE: Wait a second, where's James?

**(Down another corridor)**

JAMES: (terrified whisper) Jesse?  Guys?  ANYONE?!  (clamps a hand over his mouth) Eep.  Okay, just calm down, James.  I'm sure they're around here somew—

**(He's cut off as he turns hastily and slams face-first into a door)**

JAMES: Owwie.  (rubs his nose)  Hey!  This is the door to the stairs!  (evil grin) Heh, heh!  If I manage to retrieve the target while they're all bumbling around in the dark, I'll be a hero!  (thoughtful look) Or, they'll all just really hate me…more than usual.

**(Shrugs and slips upstairs)**

**[Author's Note: The guards—being complete and utter idiots—aren't even guarding this section of the warehouse.  In fact, the majority of them are in the break room playing Bingo]**

**[Back to the story…]**

JAMES: Ouch!!  (whimper) Damnit, I wish I had a flashlight!  (angrily) Aw, never mind!  Maybe there's still a light switch around here that those morons didn't cut!  (feeling around for a light switch)  Ah!  Here's one, I thi—

**(The room is suddenly bright with neon lights, as a recording of a tipper-tape band begins to play quite noisily and tunelessly)**

JAMES: WHAT THE…?!!?

VOICE RECORDING: Thank you for choosing Warehouse Number 9930961 for all your burglarizing needs.  We hope you've enjoyed your stay, and we wish you a safe and happy trip to the nearest high-security prison facilities, as well as—

JAMES: What kind of security system is this?!

VOICE RECORDING: (pausing to answer him) Why, the most technologically and user-friendly advanced, Mr. burglar, sir!  Now, if you don't mind, these friendly light-sensitive destroyer security robots will happily harass and maim you, for the ultimate burglarizing experience.  Please remove all automatic weaponry from your person and—

JAMES: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

VOICE REC.: (happily) That's the spirit, sir!

**(Half a dozen nasty-looking security bots advance on James, array of weapons trained on him)**

BOT 1: Cease and desist, scumbag!

BOT 2: This will be your resting place for daring to enter these premises!

BOT 3:  Please run—it makes it so much more fun!

BOT 4:  There is no escape!

JAMES: WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND!!  I'M NOT A BURGLAR!!

VOICE REC.: (hesitant) You're…not?  (cheerily) No, you must be, sir!  Why else would you set off the burglarizing security system?

JAMES: I…thought it was a light switch.

VOICE REC.: (hesitant once more) Oh…I—see.  (sigh) Okay, back off boys!

**(The bots back off, Bot #1 complaining loudly)**

BOT 1: No!!  The thieving scum must not escape here alive!  You will die, filthy scum!  Scurvy cur!!  Kill, men, kill!!

VOICE REC.: (sounding tired) Boys, make sure the general's repaired properly again.  (to James) So, if you're not a thief…(cheery again) How can I assist you in the best way possible, sir?

JAMES: (disturbed) Er…

VOICE REC.: Could I possibly help you to the extremely valuable contents of security box D15?  Or perhaps the nuclear weapons silo in security box A19?

JAMES: …uh…(shakes himself, an evil gleam in his eyes) Um, could you possibly show me to the security box containing the rarest most valuable Pokémon?

VOICE REC.: (sigh) Oh, that…Are you sure you don't wish to try a more…interesting box, sir?  Perhaps box F09, which contains the Pokémon Tournament Cups for the next ten years?  Or there's a very nice heap of rare and stolen jewels in box N23.

JAMES: (sorely tempted) Um…maybe later.  First show me to the Pokémon.  (grin) Please.

VOICE REC.: (cheery) As you wish, sir!  Please, follow the cascading lights! …

**Scene VI**

**(Way back in ancient times…)**

CHAN-SAW: Hey, it worked!  We're out of the dinosaur swamps!

E. BEAR: How did we get to Egypt?

MEOWTH: How should I know?  Maybe da stupid thing's wired wrong.  (shakes the chainsaw/makeshift time machine angrily)  Huh.

CHAN-SAW: Stop it!  Stop it—you're gonna' break her!!

E. BEAR: Ooh, look at the pyramids.  Cool.  …  I wanna' go home now.

MEOWTH: I'm tryin', furrbrain!  (muttering) Now how did this thing work again?

CHAN-SAW: (furious) Stop—shakin'—it!!  (dives on Meowth with bloodlust in her eyes)

MEOWTH: YAAAGGHH!!  Back off, Chan-saw!!

E. BEAR: (ignoring them) Do you think there are cars yet?  I wonder if we're near some ancient civilization.

MEOWTH: Ow—yeoooww!!  Don't pull my whiskers!

CHAN-SAW: Give me back—my—chainsaw—loudmouth!!

MEOWTH: No!  We need it to—Chan-saw, cut it out!!

E. BEAR: Hey, is that the Nile?  (wanders off)

**(…and once again we wander to that faraway mountaintop, where the unfortunate Swedish yodeler continues his doomed descent…)**

YODELER: YODELLLLAAAAA—ow!—HEEEEEHOOOOO—OUCH!!—EEEEEEAAAAAIIIEEE!!!

**[Author's Input: …Uh…??]**

YODELER: THIS SUUUUUUCCCKKKSSS!!!  RIIIIIICCCOOOOLLLAA!!!

**[Somebody make this crap stop!!]**

**(Back to the story, I guess…)**

CHAN-SAW: Stop—biting—me!!  Give it—here!

MEOWTH: (growl) Leggo!!  Yeouch!  Agh, cut it out!

E. BEAR: Hey, you guys?  There's a big brown cloud coming this way.

MEOWTH: Hunh?

CHAN-SAW: Jerk!  (whacks Meowth and grabs the chainsaw)

MEOWTH: (not noticing) Hey, what's dat?

CHAN-SAW: (noticing the cloud) Looks like…

E. BEAR: Locusts!

MEOWTH: Oh, don't tell me we're—

CHAN-SAW: SHUT UP 'N RUN!!!

**(All three run as the locusts bear down on them)**

E. BEAR: TO THE RIVER!!

MEOWTH: Wait, what if it's—

CHAN-SAW: (dripping w/red water) EEEWWW!!  This is morbid!

E. BEAR: Head for that sand dune!

**(They dive behind the sand dune and the locusts fly over them)**

MEOWTH: Phew!  Dat was close!

CHAN-SAW: AAAGGHH!!  WATCH OUT!!  TIDAL WAVE!!

LOUD VOICE: Quickly!  Into the sea, my people!

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  Charleton Heston!

E. BEAR: Meowth, quick, use the chainsaw!

MEOWTH: Right!

CHAN-SAW: Wait!  I wanna' watch him part the Red Sea!

E. BEAR: (grabbing the chainsaw from her) Shut up and give us that!

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  (pouts)

MEOWTH: Where should I send us?

E. BEAR: Anywhere but biblical times!

CHAN-SAW: (testily) _Home might be nice!_

**(The chainsaw/time machine makes a noise like straining metal, and the three Pokémon disappear in a blast of multicolored light)**

CHAN-SAW: _Now where are we?_

MEOWTH: (looking around hesitantly) It don't _look…like home.  But it don't look ancient either, so dat's a good thing._

E. BEAR: Hey, do you hear something?

**(A stampede of late nineteenth-century Japanese peasants comes racing around the corner, followed by a horde of fierce looking samurai)**

CHAN-SAW: (happily) Hey, I think we're getting closer!

MEOWTH: (grabbing her arm hastily) AAAGGGHH!!  It's the Meiji Restoration!!

E. BEAR: Run for it!!

PEASANTS: AAAAGGHH!!  _Tetsudai!!  Kudasai kami-no, tetsudai!!  Aaaaagghgh!!_

**Scene VII**

**(Back at Warehouse Number 9930961, we find one of our heroes rolling in jewels and wealth beyond his wildest dreams…)**

**[Author's Input: Despite the fact that he is FILTHY STINKING RICH in the first place!!]**

**(Yes, despite that)**

JAMES: Woo-hoo!!  Look at all this loot…er, I mean, wealth!

VOICE REC.: I trust you are satisfied, sir?

JAMES: (casual) Oh, I suppose.  Thank you for your assistance, Version 6.0.

VOICE REC.: (cheerily) No need for thanks, sir, I am merely programmed to assist you.  Have a good day.

JAMES: (still staring at his loot) Oh, uh, yeah, you too.  Uh-huh.

**(James slowly descends the stairs, giggling evilly to himself, as he is bedecked in a disgustingly elaborate amount of jewels and riches, a large sack filled with Pokéballs and tournament trophies over one shoulder)**

**(Jesse, Cassidy, and Butch appear around the corner, stopping short in shock)**

JESSE: James, where the HELL have you been??!

BUTCH: (suspicious) Hey, what's with all the loot?

JAMES: (innocently) I was looking for the bathroom.  Where've you all been?

CASSIDY: Trying to outsmart those buffoons of security guards, you gigantic imbecile!  Now tell us how you happen to be dripping with jewels and riches!

JAMES: (casual) Oh, you mean this stuff.  I, uh, found it.

JESSE: (huffy) Look, we'll care about that later!  Right now, we need to get out of this place!  Pretty soon those morons are going to figure out where we are.

BUTCH: Right.  (to James) Please tell me you managed to get the target while you were up there?

JAMES: Yep.  (sticks his tongue out at Butch)

**(Butch seethes as they all hurry out of the warehouse)**

BUTCH: How come he gets all the riches?!

JAMES: Because the security system likes me better than you!

CASSIDY: (to Jesse) Must be his voice.  (Jesse nods)

**(A huge explosion lights the sky as Warehouse Number 9930961 is blown to smithereens)**

JAMES: (to Cassidy) You _did wire the place with explosives!!_

JESSE: (looking at the blaze) Apparently set to blow as soon as we had left, though.

CASSIDY: Actually, it was set to explode as soon as you and your moronic partner entered the premises.  (shrugging dejectedly) Ah well.  Must've backfired or something.

JESSE: (eyebrow twitching) Let's leave before I add your body to the carnage.

CASSIDY: Hmm?  What's the matter, Jess?  You look pissed.

BUTCH: (to James) You gonna' share that junk?

JAMES: With a toad like you?!

**(An electronic scream fills the air, and a large charred and dented, metal box lands at the foursome's feet)**

JESSE: Yaagh!!  What's that!

VOICE REC.: (moan) My wires!  What's happened?

JAMES: Version 6.0?!

VERSION 6.0: Sir?  (sobbing loudly) All of my circuits!!  Gone!  Plooey!

CASSIDY: (rolling her eyes) What is this?

JAMES: Shut up, Cassidy!  We've gotta' help her!

JESSE: What…is she?

VERSION 6.0: (sniffling) Version 6.0 of the most high-tech, user-friendly security system in Kanto…now in tatters…useless…an electronic disgrace!!

JAMES: Poor Number Six!

CASSIDY: Can we get a move on here, people?  We don't have all day to talk to machinery, you know.

BUTCH: (ignoring her) Cool!  Do you have lasers?

VERSION 6.0: (brightening) Why, yes, frog-like sir!  In nine different colors and ray bans!

**(James stoops to scoop up the battered hunk of metal)**

JAMES: I'm taking you with us.

VERSION 6.0: (sad again) Oh, do not trouble yourselves, ladies and sirs.  I will just sit here…and wait for my batteries to die…feel my wires melt together…(loud sniffling)

CASSIDY: Yeah, listen to the hunk of junk, James.  Now let's get out of here!

BUTCH: (grinning evilly) Hey, Six, you wanna' show us one of your lasers?

VERSION 6.0: Oh, I guess, sir.  (fries Cassidy to a crisp)  Now, if you'd just leave me on that nice pile of melted security bots…

JESSE: (pointing at the box) I like her.  Let's take her home.

JAMES: Yay!!  (hugs Jesse)

VERSION 6.0: (touched) Really?  You would?

JAMES: Come on, Six.  I wanna' show you my bottle cap collection!

VERSION 6.0: Does it need security?  I'm sure I am still capable of…minor functioning.  Perhaps a reboot will sort out my inner wiring.  Do you have in-home protection?

**(They all leave the ruins of the warehouse, Version 6.0 chattering hopefully and Butch dragging Cassidy's crisp form behind them)**

CASSIDY: (coughing black smog) Butch, I'll get you for this!!

BUTCH: Sis, you don't sound so good.  Maybe you need a lozenge.

CASSIDY: Oh, shut up, Butch!

**END EPISODE FOUR**


	5. Episode 5: Use Your KarateChop Action!

(8/14/01 — 8/15/01) **Episode #5: Use Your Karate-Chop Action!**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

CHAN-SAW

E. BEAR

BUTCH

CASSIDY

The BOSS

KIOSUKE

VERSION 6.0

The Twerp Trio plus PIKACHU & TOGEPI

oh, and BROCK

the return of the BLACK NINJA

and Kono SENSEI: martial arts trainer at the Team Rocket training camp

**Scene I**

**(Somewhere deep in the Viridian Forest…)**

ASH: Y'know, it's been a long time since we saw Team Rocket?

MISTY: Ash, what are you talking about?  We just saw them the other day.

ASH: Oh.  Right.

TRACEY: He's so used to the same old lines, he doesn't know how to improvise anymore.

ASH: Got that right!  (thinks a moment) Hey, you were insulting me!

PIKACHU: Pi, pika!

ASH: You stay outta' this!  (akanbe)

**(He and Pikachu start having a 'rude face' contest in the background)**

MISTY: Since when did they become the 'Abbot & Costello' around here?

TRACEY: Dunno.  Probably about the same time all the weird stuff started happening.

MISTY: And speaking of weird stuff, aren't you supposed to be back with the Professor?

ASH: And Ginger and Mary Anne and the Skipper?

TRACEY: No way, I found my way off that island!

MISTY: (smacks both of them) Idiots!  I meant Professor Oak!

BOTH: Oh.  (rub their heads)

ASH: Yeah, hey, Misty's right!

MISTY: (eye roll) Ya think?

ASH: (ignoring her) Isn't Brock supposed to be with us?

TRACEY: I thought you guys dropped him off at that island.  (Misty glares at him)  The other island.

ASH: (confused) What?  Now Brock's supposed to be Gilligan…??

**(Misty gives him a good brain-thrashing while Tracey and Pikachu sweat profusely)**

TOGEPI: Toge!  ^_^  **[--Pointless]**

MISTY: Okay, where were we?

ASH: (still swirly) Uh…Brock's off on some three-hour tour and Tracey's having lunch with the Professor…??

MISTY: (sigh) I'm getting nowhere…

**(Ash finally falls unconscious for the time being)**

TRACEY: You were talking about how things are messed up.

MISTY: Right!  (confused) Man, what season is this anyway?

TRACEY: Uh… (painful thinking) …Three?

PIKACHU: Pi.

MISTY: There's no ninth season!

TRACEY: That's a scary thought.  (sigh, shakes head) I have no idea what season it is.

MISTY: I still think Brock's supposed to be in this scene.

**[Okay, okay, I get it, Miss Cranky!  Sheesh!  Nothin's ever good enough for you people!  It's always, "But this story screws up the whole timeline", or "Where's Brock supposed to be in this situation?" and "Why did Gilligan always manage to screw up everyone's chances of getting off the island?"…!]**

MISTY: I never wondered that.

TRACEY: Ooh, I did!  Do you think it was aliens?

**[Just have your stupid third-wheel, girl-chasing, squinty-eyed lackey!]**

MISTY: I thought you liked Brock?

**(Brock suddenly appears out of thin air wearing a flower lei, an apron…and not much else)**

BROCK: (obviously slurred) Wha's goin' on…?

MISTY: Yipe! (makes a show of hiding her eyes)

TRACEY: (hesitant) You're Brock?

BROCK: Wha's'it to ya?  (stumbles) I think we're experiencing mild tectonic tremors here!

MISTY: Brock!  Put clothes on!

BROCK: I not wearing clothes?  (looks down) Oh shit.  (passes out)

TRACEY: (sidling away) Right, so what was that about me being with the Professor again?

PIKACHU: Pika?

TRACEY: Gotta' go!  (runs for it)

MISTY: (sighs unendingly) Why do I always get stuck with the delusional trainer and drunk sugar daddy?

PIKACHU: Pika pi-chu.

MISTY: You stay outta' this.

TOGEPI: Priii!!  ^_~  **[-- Still pointless]**

**Scene II**

**[Author's Note: That was a completely and utterly pointless scene]**

**(Shut up!  I'm trying to start the scene, here!)**

**[Well it was!]**

**(SHUT UP!)**

**[Rowr.  Cranky much?]**

**(This scene has a point [oh goody]****.  *Ahem* And it begins with an extremely worn-out and beaten up Neko and Galaxia wandering the training grounds at night…)**

NEKO: (oof) Oh Goddess…I ache all over!

GALAXIA: (cute whimper) I don't like this training.  I want to go back with Jess 'n James.

NEKO: You can count me in on that fantasy, but it's never gonna' happen.

GALAXIA: I dunno'.  This could just be some kind of punishment.  Maybe if we prove ourselves, we'll get to go back to training with Jesse and James.

NEKO: Ha.  As Spike would say, "Not bloody likely!"

GALAXIA: Ooh, you do a cute British accent!

NEKO: (brightening) 'Wanna hear my Drusilla?  "Ooh, I like it when you're all dour and straight business-like!"

GALAXIA: "Like lollipops at the circus!"  Tee hee!

NEKO: (glum again) We gotta' figure a way outta' here…

GALAXIA: Yeah…(tearing up) I-I miss the guys.  (sniff)

NEKO: (sniff) Me too.

BOTH: WAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!  (burst into obnoxious crying)

**(A _shoji on a nearby building slides open and Kiosuke peeks his head out)_**

KIO: Hey, keep it down out here!

NEKO: (sniffle) Oh, bugger off!  (sticks her tongue out)

KIO: (blinks and then groans) Oh.  Great.  You chicks again…

GALAXIA: (brightens) Kiosuke?  'S that you?

NEKO: Oh great!  Not that guy!

KIO: (hopping outside) Oh that's a nice welcome!  What are you kitties up to at this time of night?

NEKO: None of your business!

KIO: (sly grin) You weren't trying to sneak into the boy's quarters, were you?

NEKO: You're such a perv, Kio!  Just because your mind works that way, doesn't mean the entire human populace thinks that way as well!  Besides, so what if we like to take a little nighttime walk.

KIO: You're mighty defensive for bein' all innocent…(smirk)

**(Neko looks on the verge of decking him but Galaxia steps in)**

GALAXIA: What are you still doing up?

KIO: (shrug) Just practicin'.  (turns serious) You know, I'd get back to your bunks if I were you.  The trainers can be pretty strict about curfew around here.

NEKO: (huff) I think we're a little old here for a curfew.

KIO: (smirking again) Besides, wouldn't want to miss any of your precious beauty rest, now would you, Neko-chan?

NEKO: Don't call me that!

KIO: Call you what, Neko-_chan?_

GALAXIA: Shh, guys!  I think someone's coming!

KIO: Here, we'll hide out in the dojo for awhile.

**(They all slip into the building Kiosuke had slipped out of earlier, which turns out to be a martial arts training hall and _dojo)_**

NEKO: (flopping down on the _tatamis) What makes you think we wanna' hide out with you?_

KIO: The fact that you have no choice.  (peers out of the _shoji) I think they're gone._

NEKO: Good, then so am I.

**(She tries to leave but Kio puts out an arm to stop her.  She glares at him)**

NEKO: _What are you doing?_

KIO: Stopping you from doing something stupid.  Look, they're gone for now but it doesn't mean they won't be back—I know the drill around here better than you.  It's best we just stay here for a bit.

NEKO: (throwing up her arms) I can't believe th—

GALAXIA: I think we should listen to him, Né-chan.

NEKO: Oh great!  Just great!  Now you're on HIS side!

KIO: (to Galaxia) Is she always this big of a bitch?

GALAXIA: Um…well…

NEKO: Galaxia!

GALAXIA: What?!  I didn't say anything!

KIO: Doesn't matter.  (smirk) I know how to handle a feisty kitten…

NEKO: (seething) You obnoxious, swaggering jeeerrr—eep!!  What was that?!

KIO: (irritated) What was what?  And I am not obnoxious, miss—

NEKO: Shut up!  There it is again!

**(They all fall silent for several heartbeats)**

GALAXIA: (nervous) Né-chan, what exactly are we listening for?

NEKO: (biting her lip) I…I'm not sure.  But I heard something.

KIO: You're just paranoid.

NEKO: I'll show you paranoid, you—

**(A shuffling noise is heard and the three cadets freeze)**

GALAXIA: Eep.  I heard it.

NEKO: Nobody move a muscle—

KIO: Show yourself!

**(A creak, followed by the swish of a blade)**

NEKO: (terrified) You imbecile!  Are you trying to get us killed!

KIO: No, just…shut up for a minute.

NEKO: (fiercely) Look, don't get all cocky and think you're going to be some kind of hero by attacking the 'big scary attacker' guy, Mr. Big Shot!

**(There is a rush of air and something large comes rushing from the shadows)**

GALAXIA: Neko-chan!

KIO: Watch out!

**(Kiosuke shoves Neko to the floor, causing their mysterious attacker to miss her by a hair)**

NEKO: (dazed) What the—!!

BLACK NINJA: You will tell me where the Meowth has gone.  (shifts for combat) Or my sword will taste your blood.

NEKO: HOLY—yikes!!

GALAXIA: Not you again!  I thought you died from bad hamburger meat!

BLACK NINJA: No.  Not dead.

NEKO: (hysterical) So what, just a bad case of explosive diarrhea and that's all?!!  Yeesh!

BLACK NINJA: **[They can't see it, but he's blushing]  You will pay for what I have suffered.  (thinking) But first you will tell me where the Meowth is.**

GALAXIA: (dramatic) Never!

BLACK NINJA: Then I will make you beg for death!  (pause) Oh, fine!  I'll make you origami.

GALAXIA: Really?  One of those hopping frogs?

BLACK NINJA: Sure, what the hell.

NEKO: Wait a second, Ninja…whatever your name is, we don't know where Meowth is.  Really.

KIO: What's going on?  You know this psychopath?

NEKO: Unfortunately.  Kinda' like how I know you: _unfortunately._

KIO: (sarcastic) You're just a peach, arent'cha, kitten?

NEKO: Call me that again, and I'll get extra peachy, Kio.

BLACK NINJA: (irritated) Enough!  If you do not possess the information I desire…this will be the night of your demise.

GALAXIA: Wait, can't we just call a truce or something?  Like, we conveniently forget this all happened, right Neko?  (phony peppy) Gee, what a great night, huh, Neko?  We never ran into the Black Ninja in the _dojo, did we?_

NEKO: (phony grin) Of course not.  And we never ran into that asshole Kiosuke, either, did we?  And I seem to recall some sort of incident involving a wood chipper he got himself into…?

KIO: (playing along) But Neko, if I recall correctly, it was _you who had that run-in with the wood chipper?  Or was that just a fantasy of mine?_

NEKO: (smiling painfully) I don't know, Kio.  You're fantasies about me are pretty twisted, aren't they?

KIO: Yes, as yours must be about me, I'm sure, Neko-chan.

BLACK NINJA: (majorly irritated) Aggh!!  Cut it out, all of you!  (raises his sword) That's it, I'm killing all of you right now!

NEKO: There's no way out of this, is there?

GALAXIA: (to Neko) You just had to go too far with it, didn't you?!

**(The Black Ninja leaps nimbly at Galaxia, bringing his sword around for a decapitating blow)**

GALAXIA: Aaaaiiiee!!

KIO: Hey!  Take on something your own size!  (grabs a shield off the wall and blind-sides the ninja with it)

BLACK NINJA: (dazed) What the…??

**(Kio takes advantage of the situation and pulls a vicious roundhouse kick on the downed ninja, catching him across the shoulders)**

KIO: That's for picking on defenseless girls!  (kicks the Black Ninja again) And that's for thinking you could kill me!

BLACK NINJA: (trying to shield himself from the blows) Hey, what the hell's going on!  Who is this kid?!

**(He makes a thrust in Kio's direction with the sword, but Kio dances nimbly out of the way.  Executing a kung fu kick worthy of Jackie Chan on the shocked ninja, Kio picks up the discarded sword and levels it calmly at his chest)**

KIO: Kiosuke Akogare: black-belt karate master and all-around martial arts veteran.  Runs in the family.  (shoots a wink in Neko's direction) As does the mouth.

BLACK NINJA: You whelp!  You think I'm impressed by your brash display of heroics!  I am the Black Ninja!!

**(Confused blinking from everyone)**

BLACK NINJA: (furious) You know?!  The mass killer?!  First class assassin of the entire Poké World!!  (no reply) Aaaaarrrrggh!!  Youth these days!

KIO: I'm guessing you're like, really old, man.

NEKO: Yeesh, people still know who the Rolling Stones are—that's harsh!

BLACK NINJA: (whimpering like a little girl) Oh, just kill me and get the humiliation over with!

KIO: (looks down at the sword in his hands) Dude, I'm not gonna' kill you.  I was just gonna' tell you to…get lost.

BLACK NINJA: (not listening) Do your worst, Kiosuke Akogare!  I will die a man!

NEKO: You're acting pretty 'pathetic weakling' to me.

GALAXIA: How about we go back to our bunks before the trainers snoop around again?

KIO: Sounds good to me, I'm beat!

NEKO: (dryly) You DO know you're going back to your own bunk, right, Kio?

KIO: (wide-eyed innocence) Of course.

**(The three leave the _dojo, chatting carelessly)_**

BLACK NINJA: What a bunch of weirdoes.  (crawls away like a sniveling coward)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GALAXIA: Kio, I didn't know you knew martial arts!

KIO: Well you just met me.

GALAXIA: (thoughtful) That would explain a lot…

**(Kio and Neko give each other a weird look)**

NEKO: So…

KIO: (nod) So…

NEKO: (haughty) I'm not about to thank you or anything, if that's what you think!

KIO: Of course not.

NEKO: Just because you went all heroic in there, with your…shield bashing and…Jackie Chan karate action mojo…

KIO: I wasn't expecting you to.

NEKO: (still at it) …And even if some other girls you met might have gotten turned on by that kind of stuff, doesn't mean I'm about to fall into your arms like some wilting, tinker-toe maiden, so…don't stand there like your expecting anything from me, because I'm not!

KIO: Okay, I get it.  (smile) I won't expect anything from you.

GALAXIA: (ahem) Of course, he did save your life…

NEKO: …So I guess I should at least thank you.

KIO: (smirk)

NEKO: (furious) You obnoxious jerk, that's not what I meant by a 'thank you'!!  (thwacks him upside the head)

KIO: OW!  I didn't do anything!

NEKO: I saw that lecherous look on your face!

KIO: Did not!  It's dark outside!

GALAXIA: (sigh) Here we go again…

**Scene III**

**(We find our heroes—as well as their rivals—in the Boss's office…)**

BOSS: (uncertain) Do you mean to tell me you…succeeded?

**(Eager nodding from all present.  The Boss looks even more flustered.)**

BOSS: And that…_James—alone—retrieved the target?  (more nodding; brief pause) I'm high, aren't I?_

CASSIDY: (uneasy) Um, not that we…know of…sir… (exchanges weird looks with the others)

JAMES: (jumping in) Boss, we also managed to acquire the Pokémon Tournament Cups for the next ten years…which may come in…handy… (looks nervous)

BUTCH: (glare) What about all the other stuff you—

**(Jesse kicks him hard in the shins and he shuts up)**

BOSS: (still too amazed to think much) Uh, yes, yes, thank you, James.  Those could prove quite valuable indeed… (looks pensive) You're sure this isn't a hallucination?

JESSE: Um, yes?

CASSIDY: And since we did so well, sir, would it be possible that a raise is in order?

JAMES: (even more nervous) Or, perhaps just another chance at our former team arrangements?

CASSIDY: (weird look) You _have been studying the dictionary, haven't you?_

BOSS: (not really paying attention) …Or it could be that sushi I had last night…tasted a bit funny…I should've known…

JESSE: Sir, perhaps we should just leave you alone?

BOSS: (waving dismissively) Yes, yes, get out of my sight.  I'll…let you know when another assignment comes up.

JAMES: (hopefully) And in the meantime…

CASSIDY: Don't push it.

BUTCH: Sir, could I possibly be put back on Hot Wheels duty?

CASSIDY: Enough with the toy cars, bro!  (growl)

JAMES: (waving a hand in front of the Boss's face) Sir?  Hell-ooo?

**(Jesse yanks James away before the Boss can notice and zooms out of headquarters)**

JESSE: We're lucky he was too shocked for words!  (smacks James) Could you possibly be more disrespectful?

JAMES: Uh-huh.  (Jesse smacks him again)  Jess, what's the big deal?  (pulls a handful of jewels out of his pocket) We've got enough wealth to do whatever we want!

JESSE: (grabbing his hand hastily) James!  Don't go waving that stuff around!  (looks around nervously) Come on, we've gotta' get out of here before those two morons decide they want to beat their cut out of us!

CASSIDY: (coming out of headquarters) Hey, Jess!  Stop right there!

BUTCH: We covered for you in front of the Boss…

CASSIDY: So now you owe us some of the loot.

JAMES: Ha!  You two did nothing!  I'm the one who almost got killed by security bots just to get this stuff!

CASSIDY: Which you set off through your own stupidity.  We disabled all the necessary alarms and securities, so rightfully, that loot should be all of ours!

JESSE: Cassidy, you were trying to blow us up in there, you lying harlot!

CASSIDY: (haughty) Only if all else failed.  Oh admit it, Jess, you would've done the same in our situation!

**(Jesse and James share thoughtful looks)**

JESSE: (to Cassidy) Touché.  Still, we were suppose to work as a team and you were the first to break that teamwork, so James owes you nothing.

JAMES: Nyah!

CASSIDY: (huffy) Fine.  If that's the way you're going to be about it…

BUTCH: (pointing angrily) We'll fight it out of you!

JESSE: Bring it on, bitch!

CASSIDY: Choose your Pokémon, you hussy!

JAMES: Do we have to instigate cat-fighting as well?

BUTCH: Guess so.

**(Everyone releases their Pokémon)**

JESSE: You're going to regret challenging us, Cassidy!

JAMES: (sigh) I thought we were the ones who were supposed to be all macho?

BUTCH: Talk about role-reversal…

**(Before anyone can make the first strike, the air around them seems to bend, and with a loud BAMF! Meowth, Chan-saw, and Evil Bearmon appear out of thin air…on top of Butch and Cassidy)**

CASSIDY: What the—?!!

BUTCH: Oomf!

J & J: MEOWTH!!  ^_^

MEOWTH: (dazed) Jesse?  James?

CHAN-SAW: (hugging Cassidy insanely) CHANSEY CHAN!!  (bursts into emotional sobbing)

**(Jesse and James run to Meowth and hug him ecstatically)**

JESSE: We missed you, you big-mouthed cat!

JAMES: You could've called or something!

MEOWTH: (strangling) Mmphh!  Geroffame you two!

E. BEAR: (looking relieved) Eeevil.  Evil, eevill.

MEOWTH: You said it, buddy.  (sigh) It's good to be home, you guys.

**(Team Rocket finally seems to realize how ridiculous they look and they break apart in embarrassment)**

JESSE: (ahem) So…anyway, where were we?

CASSIDY: (muffled) Get this pink puffball off of me!!!

CHAN-SAW: (blink, blink) Sey?  (stands up and sees Cassidy squashed beneath her) Chansey!!

BUTCH: Get offame, cat!

MEOWTH: Ack!  Youse two!  (to Jess 'n James) What are dey doin' here?!

JAMES: (sigh) It's a long story…

JESSE: That we'll tell you later.

**(Meowth nods, then blinks and looks around in surprise)**

MEOWTH: Where are da girls?

**(Jesse and James exchange looks)**

JESSE: Anyone up for catching coffee?

**Scene IV**

**(The Team Rocket training camp…)**

NEKO: We got a letter from the guys.  Meowth and the others are back.

GALAXIA: Really?!  That's great!  Where were they?

NEKO: Doesn't say.  (annoyed) In fact, it doesn't say much about anything.  Those lazy asses!

GALAXIA: Maybe they've been really busy with that new assignment of theirs.

NEKO: Ha!  Doubt it.  Besides, they wrote they're on temporary vacation or something.  _Again._

GALAXIA: Without us?  No fair!

NEKO: (sour sigh) Oh well.  At least E. Bear's okay.  (blushing) I really did miss him…

GALAXIA: (patting her shoulder comfortingly) Maybe they'll bring him to visit or something.

**(Neko nods.  They had been walking to their next training session, which just so happens to be in the _dojo.  They both enter, already dressed in their training __gi and __hakama pants)_**

SENSEI: (p.o.ed) Nice of you girls to join us.  Now, if we may begin… (stands before the gathered group) All bow!

EVERYONE: _Hai, sensei!_

SENSEI: Good.  Today, we will be learning a style of martial arts designed specifically for Team Rocket agents.  It is a sophisticated melding of kung fu, karate, tai kwan do, and various other defensive and combative arts.  Pair off into couples once again and go through the basic skills we've been working on the last few days.  My assistant, Kiosuke, will come around to assist those of you who need help and give pointers.

NEKO: Oh great.  Since when has that jerk been helping with Kono Sensei's class?

KIO: (walking by) Since you guys got onto the higher levels.  Check your stance there, Né-chan…

NEKO: (sticks her tongue out at his back) Show-off.  I hope he falls on one of the wooden _bokken…breaks his leg or something…_

GALAXIA: Why do you hate him so much?

NEKO: Because he's an obnoxious pervert.  (throwing a punch) Ha!  I know!  I'll imagine his crotch as my target!  That oughtta' improve my skill.

GALAXIA: You're strange, Neko.

NEKO: I try, Galaxia.  (smirk)  Ha!  Hi-YA!!

KIO: (coming over) Nice kick, Neko.  You'll make a good fighter.

NEKO: (sweetly) It's no problem.  I just visualize you as my target and aim for the jewels, Kio.

KIO: (leer) Aren't you aiming with the wrong body part?

NEKO: (still sweetly) Hmm, no, but I may be aiming at the wrong target.  Don't you think I'm ready for live targets?

GALAXIA: Uh, Neko, that _is what I'm for…_

KIO: Is that a challenge?

NEKO: (smirk) I don't know, Kio.  Is it?

KIO: Okay, let's see what you can do.  (bows) Ready?

NEKO: Your mistake…

**(She bows back, then straightens and shoots a sharp kick to his hip.  Kio twists out of the blow, grabbing her ankle and dropping her to the floor)**

KIO: Over already?  (smirk) Wanna' give it another try, kitten?

NEKO: (grrrr…) Alright, Kio.  I'm not afraid of you.

GALAXIA: (sigh) You guys are acting like idiots.

KIO: It's alright, Galaxia, Neko-chan obviously needs the practice.

NEKO: (jumping to her feet) I told you not to call me that!  (skips the bow and shoots a left-hook at his face)

KIO: Whoa!  (jumps back) Feisty are we?

NEKO: Shut up, Kio!  (snap-kicks him; this time she connects)

GALAXIA: Yay!  Go Neko!

KIO: Well looky-there, the kitten actually hit me for once…!  (sweeps a leg out, but Neko manages to jump out of the way) Huh!  Cat-like reflexes…

NEKO: (growl) You better believe it!

**(She swings at him again, but misses, and the momentum sends her off-balance.  Kio sweeps his arm out, making contact with her side, and knocking her once again to the mats)**

NEKO: Oof!

KIO: (grin) Looks like you still need some practice.

GALAXIA: That was great, Neko!  Your first match!

NEKO: (sarcastic) Yeah, real great, G-chan.  I got floored twice.

KIO: But you did manage to get some blows in.  (offers a hand) Pretty good for a first time.

NEKO: (glares at him, then lets him help her up) You just love pissing me off, don't you?

KIO: Yep, pretty much.

NEKO: (huffy) Yeah, well, knock it off!  (yanks her hand out of his and dusts herself off)

KIO: (laughs) Don't make it so easy then!  Damn, you're so uptight!

NEKO: And you're so full of yourself!

KIO: (waving surrender; grins) Whatever you say.  (walks off)

GALAXIA: Man, is that ever obvious.

NEKO: What obvious?

GALAXIA: (scoff) You two!  (Neko looks at her strangely) Come off it, Né-chan!  You guys are totally into each other!

NEKO: (choke) WHAT?!!

GALAXIA: (mischievous grin) Oh, don't act so oblivious!  I can tell when there's chemistry, y'know.

NEKO: No, no chemistry!  There is definitely no chemistry between me and Kio!  Forget that!

GALAXIA: (knowing smile) Okay, whatever you say.  Just, you know, remember it was me who told you.

NEKO: Doesn't matter because you're way off.  The only chemistry going on between me and that scumbag is violent dislike.

GALAXIA: (changing the subject) You think Jess 'n James will come visit us here?

NEKO: I don't know, but I hope so.  Better yet, maybe they'll bust us out.

GALAXIA: You act like we're in prison or something.

NEKO: Might as well be.  All it's missing is the gang rapes, though we haven't been to the guys' bunks so I could be wrong.

GALAXIA: You have _way too active of an imagination…_

NEKO: Yeah, well you're not much more normal, y'know.

GALAXIA: (giggle) Got me there!  Come on, let's finish practicing that flip-kick thingy!

NEKO: Is that what it's called?

GALAXIA: I don't know.  I couldn't pronounce whatever Kono Sensei called it.

NEKO: (sigh) Figures.

GALAXIA: Hey!

**Scene V**

**(Back at Team Rocket's Secret Hideout…)**

JESSE: So…you're telling us that that time-warp thingy of yours somehow works and trapped you in the past?

JAMES: With dinosaurs?

MEOWTH: Yep.

JAMES: That rusty tin-can concoction?!  No way!

MEOWTH: Look, you think I'd lie?  (silence) Okay, forget dat.  Anyway, believe me, it really happened.  We had ta rewire Chan-saw's chainsaw ta find our way back to our own time.

JESSE: You just don't want us to be pissed off that you disappeared without telling anyone.

MEOWTH: Aaargh!  Fine!  Don't believe me!  But Chan-saw, E. Bear and I know what we saw.

JAMES: Yeah, yeah.  You've probably been getting drugs off of Seagull or something…

MEOWTH: (irritated sigh) Well, I still can't believe youse two had ta work with dat Butch and Cassidy…

JESSE: Neither can we.  (shiver) It still gives me the creeps.

JAMES: What do you think we should do with all the loot we got?

MEOWTH: WHAT?!  Youse guys got loot?!

JAMES: Yeah.  (giddy) We're rich!

JESSE: All thanks to Six.  And James-chan, of course.

JAMES: Speaking of Six, where is she?

JESSE: (sly grin) Oh, I put her to good use…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Later that night…)**

CASSIDY: Shh!  Do you want to get us caught?

BUTCH: (grunt) I can't believe we're doing this.

CASSIDY: Quiet, Butch!  Would you rather they kept all that wealth to themselves?  Besides, it's rightfully ours in the first place.

BUTCH: I dunno' about rightfully…I just want some of those jewels.

CASSIDY: Shut up!!

BUTCH: (whisper) Sorry.

VERSION 6.0: Hello!

CASSIDY: Yipe!

BUTCH: Version 6.0?

VERSION 6.0: (cheerily) That's right.  And I do believe you are attempting to steal from Mr. James.

BUTCH: Uh… (gulp)

CASSIDY: Look, we don't need any of your crap, you has-been security system, so if you don't mind…

VERSION 6.0: Oh, but I do mind.  And I know my directive, so I'm afraid I will have to destroy you.

BUTCH: De-de-destroy?

CASSIDY: What is this?  Since when is that your directive?!

VERSION 6.0: (chipper) Since Miss Jesse had Mr.'s Meowth and Mondo upgrade my systems.

CASSIDY: (nervous) An…upgrade?

BUTCH: Eep.

VERSION 6.0: So sorry.

**(Cut to the night sky over Team Rocket's Secret Hideout.  The sounds of laser fire and terrified screams fills the night, and then there is silence)**

JAMES: (drowsy) Huh?  Did you hear somethin', Jess?

JESSE: (smiling) It was nothing, _koishíi.  Just Six doing her job.  Go back to sleep._

JAMES: (already falling asleep) Mmm-hmm…

**(Jesse smiles a bit at the ceiling, then snuggles back up to James and goes to sleep)**

**END EPISODE FIVE**


	6. A PissDrunk Special, Part I: Hot Springs...

(9/6/01) **A Piss-Drunk Special, Part I: Hot Springs, Ho!**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

E. BEAR

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI (i.e. the Boss)

KIOSUKE

Kono SENSEI

and some stampeding _kenjutsu students (ooh, scary!)_

**Scene I**

**(We now join Jesse and James on their way back from lunch.  Summer is drawing to an end; a cool breeze wafts through the nearby trees, bringing with it the scent of coming autumn…)**

JAMES: He's getting really poetic as this whole fiasco progresses.

JESSE: (strange look) What…?  Who…?  What the hell are you talking about?

**[Author's Note: Due to a mild case of insanity, James frequently 'hears voices']**

JAMES: I do not!

**[…and believes he is a mystical being known as Brian with the ability to levitate and converse with God]**

JAMES: (crying) Stop it, stop it, cut it out!!

**(He looks up from his spazzing and realizes Jesse is hurriedly walking away from him)**

JAMES: Jess?!  Wait!  I'm not crazy!  (runs after her)

~~~~~~~~

**(Looking on from across the street…)**

CASSIDY: Look at them!  Not a care in the world!  How come they get another impromptu vacation while we're stuck running menial errands for the Boss' cat?!

BUTCH: Mind control.

CASSIDY: Mmm-hmm.  (pauses; double-take) Butch, what the hell are you babbling about?

BUTCH: Nothing, sis.  Would you help me with this economy-sized scratching post?

CASSIDY: (sigh, grumble) You're hopeless…!

~~~~~~~~

JAMES: …was just kidding!  I-I was practicing my acting skills!  Yeah, that's right!

JESSE: Whatever, James.  (sigh)

JAMES: (whine) Why won't you believe me?!

JESSE: Okay, fine, I believe you, now let's just drop it.  (changing the subject) So, what do you think we should do about Neko and Galaxia?

JAMES: (confused) Uh…what about them?

JESSE: You know!  They're at training camp!

JAMES: They are?

**(Jesse smacks him)**

JAMES: Oh yeah, they are! (pout) I miss them.

JESSE: (eye roll) Duh, James, that's my point.  (thoughtful) I wonder if we can convince the Boss to let them off on vacation or something.

JAMES: (not really listening) I remember training camp.  I hate training camp.  Training camp really sucks.

JESSE: Hmm, I guess first things first, though.  We should probably go visit them.  E. Bear has been bugging me for the longest time to do that.

JAMES: I know!  We could rent a truck, and we could put some really big, like…refrigerator boxes in the truck, and then put them in the boxes and everyone would think we were just, um, Whirlpool delivery guys or something and they wouldn't know we were really smuggling them away from training camp.  (worried) Of course, then they might ask us about our lifetime warranty or want to see a product manual and then we'd be screwed…(inspired) I know!  Let's go rob a Whirlpool agency!

JESSE: (finally noticing him) James, what's this about robbing refrigerator retailers?

JAMES: Um…

JESSE: Ah, never mind, I don't really want to know.  Come on, we should get home.

JAMES: Why?  Are they expecting us?

JESSE: No, I just…(blink, blink) You know, there really isn't a reason we should be getting home.

JAMES: Yippee!  Let's rob Whirlpool now!

JESSE: On second thought, I want to go home right now.

JAMES: Awww…

**(They finish their walk to the bus stop.  While waiting for the bus, James suddenly spots a brightly colored flier tacked to a lamppost)**

JAMES: Hey, Jess-chan, look at this!  (tears the flier off)  A new hot-springs resort is opening in the mountains right outside of town!

**(Jesse tries to peer over his shoulder at the paper)**

JESSE: Really?  I didn't know there were any active springs around here.

JAMES: (nods) It says here that many hot-springs were once abundant in this area about two centuries back but they mysteriously dried up about around the time of the town's development.  (thoughtful) That's unusual.  I wonder what that's about.

JESSE: (eyeing the poster excitedly) Who cares!  A real hot-springs!  (hugs James happily) James-chan, this is perfect!  I just came up with the best idea!

JAMES: (lost) We're gonna' steal the hot-springs?

JESSE: (groan) No, _idiot, we're going to take our vacation there!  __And we're going to take Neko-chan and Galaxia with us!_

JAMES: (excited) Hey, that is a great idea!  And with all the money we've 'inherited' with Version 6.0's help, we'll be able to afford it all!

JESSE: Exactly!  Guess we found the perfect way to spend that extra cash of yours, huh, koishíi?

JAMES: (grin) You're so cute when you're smart.

JESSE: (vain) Yeah, I know.  (kisses his cheek)  Come on, let's get home and tell the others!

JAMES: Um, Jesse, we have to wait for the bus to get here first.

JESSE: Oh, uh, right.  Duh!  Of course I knew that!

JAMES: (hiding a grin) …You're still cute.

JESSE: …(pout)…Thanks, James-chan.

**Scene II**

SENSEI: All, bow!

ALL: Hai!

**(Back at TR training camp…)**

NEKO: Urrgh…I ache all over!

GALAXIA: Kono Sensei sure runs a hard lesson!

NEKO: If you don't mind, I'm just going to collapse here until dinner.  (abruptly falls over)

GALAXIA: … Uh, Né-chan…?

**(…spirits are high)**

GALAXIA: (sighing over Neko) Né-chan, you really need to work out more often.

NEKO: …urk…

**(Briskly running a towel through his dark hair, Kio walks over to the duo, crouching over Neko on the mats)**

KIO: (looking up) Hey, G-girl.  (looking down) Hey, kitten.  Hard work out?

NEKO: (bereft of energy) Go away.

KIO: Ooh, ouch.  Feisty.  You might wanna' move, though, kitten, seeing as how the _kenjutsu—_

**(A horde of students carrying practice _bokken and __shinai come pouring into the __dojo, stampeding Neko before Kio can finish his sentence)_**

KIO: —class comes in to practice next.

NEKO: …ow…

GALAXIA: Né-chan!  Are you alright?!

KIO: I told you.

**(The two of them help scrape her off of the practice mats and drag her out of the _dojo)_**

NEKO: (sob) I hate this stupid training camp thing!  I miss the old training!

KIO: What was the old training?

GALAXIA: Pretty much sitting around all day playing Smash Brothers.

NEKO: Is there no God?!!

GALAXIA: Probably not.  Remember, you're atheist.

NEKO: It's just an expression!

KIO: (sweatdrop) Now I know why you're so messed-up.

NEKO: Hey, you!  Why are you still here?!

KIO: That's a nice thanks for dragging you out of the way of a stampeding horde.

NEKO: You didn't drag me away until the crowd had already flattened me!!

KIO: (shrug) I still dragged you away.  Hey, now it won't happen a second time at least.

NEKO: Oh, God…someone!!  Get me out of this place!!

JAMES: Hello!

JESSE: Hi! ^_^

NEKO & G: AAAAAGGHHH!!!  MIRAGES!!

JAMES: (defensive) Hey, who you callin' a mirage?!

NEKO: (recovering) James-chan?  (sob) Yay, you came to save me!!  (dives on him and grabs him in a deathgrip)

JAMES: Urk!!  …Air…!!

GALAXIA: (squeal) James-chan!  Jess-chan!  (hugs Jesse happily) What are you doing here?!

JESSE: (grinning madly) Just like Né-chan said, we came to save you.

NEKO: (still sobbing into James' shoulder) I LOVE YOU, MAN!!

JAMES: (turning blue) …oxygen!…help!…

KIO: (taking pity on James) Here, let me help you, man… (helps pry Neko off of him)

**(James immediately falls to his knees, sucking in huge breaths of air)**

NEKO: (huffily) Get off of me!  (shakes Kio off)

KIO: Well I couldn't just stand by and watch you strangle the guy!  Jesus, crazy woman!

**(Neko makes a face at him which Kio chooses to ignore)**

KIO: Hey, G-girl, you gonna' introduce me to your friends?

**(Her and Jesse, who have been going at it like junior high girls in the background, turn to look at Kio blankly)**

GALAXIA: Oh, uh, yeah!  Jesse, this is Kiosuke.  Kio, meet Jesse!

KIO: Hey.  Charmed.

JESSE: (leer) Me too!  (winks at Galaxia, and the two commence to giggling again)

KIO: (sweatdrop) Okay.  (turns to James) Here, man, let me help you up.  (helps James to his feet)

JAMES: (weakly) Thanks, Kio.  I'm James.

KIO: Nice to meet you.  Sorry you almost died.

JAMES: Yeah, me too.

NEKO: (concerned) James-chan?  Are you okay?

JAMES: Aaagh, stay back!!

JESSE: So what have you two been up to?

NEKO: (big, expressive sigh) They work us like dogs!  It sucks!

JAMES: Yeah!  I hate training camp.  (giddily) Wanna' go to the hot-springs with us?!

JESSE: (whacking him over the head) James!  That was supposed to be a surprise!

JAMES: I got excited!

GALAXIA: (jumping up and down) Yay!!  Really?!  A hot-springs?!

**(Jesse eyes the two of them and Kio, still sweaty and disheveled from practice)**

JESSE: Yeah.  And it looks like you could use a bath…

NEKO: Shut up!  (hits her)

**(A pair of gold eyes in a furry brown face peers out from the top of a knapsack from Jesse's shoulder; Neko spots them)**

NEKO: (diving at Jesse) E. BEAR!!!

**(The little bear dives over Jesse's shoulder and into the little redhead's arms)**

NEKO: My little baby!  (hugs the bear happily)

E. BEAR: (snuggling into her embrace happily) Eeeevil.  Eeevil, vil, vil!  (suddenly makes a face and pulls away sharply)  Ee!

NEKO: (insulted) I do not smell!  (drops him on his head angrily)

**(E. Bear looks dazed, but unharmed)**

GALAXIA: (still jumping up and down) So when do we get to go?!  Right now?!  Please, please, please!!

JAMES: Eeee, calm down!  We still gotta' pack 'n stuff!

NEKO: Where is this place anyway?

JESSE: It's in the mountains right outside of town.  A resort just opened up back there and they're having a special grand opening deal.

NEKO: (suddenly suspicious) Hey, wait, that's all well and good, but where the hell are you getting the money for all of this?

JESSE: (mischievous grin) It's a surprise.  Let's just say James-chan came into a little inheritance…

GALAXIA: (confused) Inheritance?  But I thought he had to marry that Jezebel-chick, or whatever her name is to—

JAMES: (holding his head) NO, NO!!!  DON'T SAY THE NAME!!  SCARY, EEEEEE!!!

JESSE: (concerned) Oh, poor koishíi!  (hugs him soothingly)  G-chan, please remember not to mention the B-I-T-C-H in the future.

GALAXIA: Okay!  Sorry, James-chan.

JAMES: (still catatonic) … … …

NEKO: (determined looking) Right!  Okay!  I don't really care _where the money came from, let's just go to that hot-springs!_

GALAXIA: YAY!!!  Hello, hot-springs!

NEKO: And bye-bye evil training camp!

JESSE, JAMES, NEKO & GALAXIA: Woo-hoo!  Paradise, here we come!

KIO: (sweatdrop) I'm surrounded by certified nutcases.

E. BEAR: Eeevil…

**Scene III**

**(The next day, recalling his momentary lapse in nature, the Boss made a personal call to our heroes' secret hideout on important business…)**

GIOVANNI: …Don't know what I was thinking!  How could I possibly let that slip by me!  (shakes his head in wonder) If it weren't for Butch and Cassidy's attentiveness and brown-nosing natures…At least those two rejects are good for _something, god damnit!_

**(He goes to knock on the hideout door, but instead finds a hastily scribbled note tacked to the wood)**

GIOVANNI: What the??!  (tears it off) 'Went to hot-springs—be back whenever.'  (enraged) 'Be back _whenever'?!!  Why those mindless, idiotic worms!!  (throws down the note and stomps on it angrily) THAT'S IT!!  I'M FIRING THEM!!_

**[Yeah.  Riiiight.]**

GIOVANNI: (doubly irritated) No, I mean it!  I really will!!

**[ *snort* Yeah, like _that's believable!  Ha, ha, that's a good one]_**

GIOVANNI: Ingrate!  You shut up!

**[Boy, are you a pushover…]**

GIOVANNI: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!  (stomps around cursing for several minutes to burn off steam)  Damnit.  I'm going mini-golfing.  (stomps off in a storm)

**[He'll be back.  The big baby]**

**Scene IV**

**(The Yin&Yang Hot-Springs Resort!  Five star resort—ten star baths!  Experience the true hot-springing experience!  [And cue the corny jingle music!]****)**

**(La, la-la, la, la la, laaa, la-la…_*ahem*_****…)**

GALAXIA: (in awe) Wow!  It's huge!

NEKO: Look at all the _sake bars!_

JAMES: And the restaurant!

JESSE: (dreamy sigh) I can't wait to try the hot-springs…

MEOWTH: Blech!  Watta!  **[--he means 'water']**

KIO: Alright!  I'm trying the baths first!

NEKO: (expression darkening) Why'd we have to take _him along? (jerks a thumb in Kio's direction)_

JESSE: Everyone was invited.

JAMES: Yeah!  Even the Black Ninja!

MEOWTH: YAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

JAMES: Just kidding! ^_^

ALL: Don't do that!!

NEKO: (recovering) Since when has jerk-boy here been part of 'everyone'?

GALAXIA: (hits her) Neko, don't be mean!

NEKO: I'm not being mean!

KIO: Come on, kitten, just relax for once!  We're at a hot-springs resort for crying out loud!

NEKO: Doesn't mean I have to be nice to _you.  (turns away huffily)_

JESSE: (frustrated) Come on, everybody, we're supposed to be relaxing!  This is paradise!

JAMES: Yeah!  I say we all head out to the baths!

EVERYONE BUT MEOWTH: Yay!!

MEOWTH: Blech.  (walks off) You can find me in da bar.

NEKO: You staying with us, E. Bear?

E. BEAR: (nods) Evil.

NEKO: Great!  (hands him to James) You have to go in the guys' baths, though.

**(The guys look crushed)**

KIO: Whaaaat?!  Separated baths?!

JAMES: I thought this place would be co-ed!

GIRLS: _NO BAKA!!  (hit them both)_

KIO: (to James) This sucks.

JAMES: Ditto, man.

JESSE: Oh, quit whining.  (smiles suggestively at James) You'll get your 'co-ed' bath later…

NEKO: Eew!  We could have left _that comment out of my pleasant day._

KIO: (leer) Sounds like someone's jealous.  Need a little 'co-ed' bath of your own?

NEKO: (glare) Not with _you._

KIO: (still smirking) Huh.  Not very convincing, are you, Né-chan?  Oh, well, your loss!

NEKO: (eye roll) Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is gonna' be a _great vacation!  (starts off after Kio) Hey, I better not catch you peeking in on the women's bath, you pervert!_

KIO: I wasn't gonna' peek!  Why would I want to peek at an under-developed twerp like—

NEKO: KIOSUK-AAAAAAAYYY!!!!  (starts chasing him with a giant metal harisen*)

**[Author's Note: a harisen is one of those big clubs that look like fans—like Tasuki's]**

**Scene V**

**(The women's baths…)**

**[Ooh-la-la!]**

**(Sorry, boys, but it don't come with no pictures)**

**[Awww…]**

**(Neko is sitting on one of the many stone ledges surrounding the baths, still wrapped tightly in the red, white and black _yukata issued by the resort.  She's eyeing the water apprehensively)_**

GALAXIA: Come on, Neko!  Aren't you coming in?

JESSE: Yeah!  The water's great!  (sighs dreamily and sinks back against a stone ledge)

NEKO: (nervously) That's okay.  I'm not much for public nudity.  (eyes the enormous stone barrier separating the two baths darkly) Besides, I just _know that gigantic jerk-wad's gonna' try to peek on us so I'd rather be prepared._

JESSE: What, Kio?  Don't worry, if he tries anything, I'm sure James-chan will stop him.  At least he's a gentleman.

NEKO: (still uncertain) Yeah, well…

GALAXIA: (handing her a _sake cup) Come on, relax!  Here, have some __sake._

NEKO: (giddily) Ooh, can't turn down a drink, now can I?

**(They all giggle, passing around the small, white _sake jugs between them)_**

~~~~~~~~~~~

**(On the other side of the divider wall…)**

**(Sorry, girls, no pictures here, either)**

**[God damnit!  This sucks!  What a waste of public nudity!]**

JAMES: (sigh) You said it.

KIO: (looking around) Uh, who are you talking to?

JAMES: (nervous grin) Uh, no one!  (offers the _sake jug) More __sake?_

KIO: Fill 'er up, bartender!

**[The guys have been drinking a lot more than the girls.  They're already pretty sloshed]**

JAMES: (turning to E. Bear) How about you, E.—

**(He sees E. Bear passed out amidst a clutter of empty _sake jugs)_**

JAMES: (sweatdrop) Okay, never mind…

KIO: (face rosy with drink) Wonder how the girls are doing?

JAMES: Probably giggling like high school girls and sharing anecdotes about their sex lives.

KIO: Yeah, maybe your girl and G-chan, but what about Neko the Uptight?

JAMES: (also flushed with drink) Ha, ha, guess you're right!

**(Both men laugh at that and then pour themselves more _sake)_**

JAMES: (suddenly looking thoughtful) Well, that's not totally true.  Neko's not really as uptight as she seems.

KIO: (downing his drink) Really?

JAMES: (nodding) When Neko gets loose, she gets REALLY loose.  But she doesn't get out of control that often—her and Jesse can drink enough _sake to down an elephant!_

KIO: 'Sat so?  Never would've guessed it from the way she acts.  So I guess the only time I'll ever get to see non-bitch Neko is if she gets massively drunk?

JAMES: Yep, pretty much!

**(Silence, and then they both look at each other sharply)**

KIO: You wanna'…check on them?

JAMES: You never know what could be in these mountains.

KIO: (getting up and grabbing his _yukata)  Right!  They may need…um, protecting!_

JAMES: Of course!  (follows suit)

**[This doesn't look good…What am I saying?!  This is gonna' be priceless!]**

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	7. A PissDrunk Special, Part II: Heart On A...

(9/8/01) **A Piss-Drunk Special, Part II: Heart On A Sleeve**

NEW CHARACTERS:

CHAN-SAW

ASH

MISTY

BROCK

a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER

a buff MASSEUSE

and lot's more _sake (mainly in Galaxia's system)_

WARNING: May contain sappy, lovey-dovey stuff considered nauseating by some people (mainly of the male persuasion)—read at own caution!

**Scene I**

**(Back at Team Rocket's Secret Hideout…)**

*pre-translated for your viewing, uh, reading pleasure*

CHAN-SAW: Sey?  (looks around the deserted lawn) Where is everybody?

**(She waddles up the porch, rubber-necking in confusion, and then goes inside)**

CHAN-SAW: Hello?  Meowth?  Galaxia?  Anybody!  (eye wobble) Waaah, where is everyone?!

~~~~~~~~~

BUTCH: …You think they're home, sis?

CASSIDY: (snort) Of course not, you blockhead!  They took an impromptu vacation, after all.  What sort of dolt stays home for vacation?

BUTCH: Well remember that one year for Christmas vacation when Grandma burnt the turkey and started the kitchen on fire and—

CASSIDY: _Refrain from answering that RHETORICAL question, you moron!!  (clobbers him, then calms down) Okay, now, we have a job to do!_

BUTCH: (nosebleed) Urk…I don't know why we're even bothering.  What if that stupid security system blows us up again?

CASSIDY: (ultra-determined) When at first you don't succeed, try, try again!  (jabbing a finger in the house's direction) Onward!!

BUTCH: (sweatdrop) You're scaring me.  Please don't say 'tally-ho' or start playing a lute or something, okay?

CASSIDY: (sigh) Butch…!  Just get in the house!

~~~~~~~~~

**(Back inside…)**

CHAN-SAW: (sniffle) Those meanies!  Not even telling me where they went!  (pout) I'm gonna' steal their furniture!

**(Crash!  BANG!)**

CHAN-SAW: Eep!  What was that?!  (hugs her brand new chainsaw to her chest and quivers in fear)

**(Cursing loudly, Cassidy and Butch come tumbling down the stairs, burnt to a crisp)**

BUTCH: Damnit!  I told you that hunk 'o junk would get us!

CASSIDY: …urrgh…Shut up!  How was I supposed to know it had other features?!

CHAN-SAW: Seeeeeeeyyyy!!!  Chansey!!  Yeeeeeeeekkkk!!!  Robbers!!

**(Brandishing her chainsaw blindly, she swings wildly at the two Rockets)**

CHAN-SAW: Seeeeyyy, chansey chan!!  Yieiieeek, take that!!

BOTH ROCKETS: YAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  A DEMON!!

**(Both run screaming from the cabin, flailing their limbs madly with Chan-saw hot on their tails screaming like a psychopath)**

**[How fun! ^_^]**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**(Hmm, just for a bit of fun…)**

BROCK: Yaaarrrrggh!!  _Why am I not wearing any clothes?!_

MISTY: Jesus Christ, it took you THAT long to sober up?!  You drunk!!  (clobbers him with a…uh, I don't know—a Whirlpool refrigerator!)

BROCK: Whaaaa—(WHAM!)

**(A handful of ice cubes trickle out of the ice machine)**

ASH: Ooh look!  Free ice tray!  ^_^  (starts scooping up ice cubes and making drinks)

MISTY: (huffily) And you are _not naked—you're wearing an apron.  (spaz) GET IT RIGHT, __BAKA!!!_

**(Doesn't this look bad?  I'd like to see her try to explain THAT one…)**

**[Okay, anyway…let's get back to the damned story already!!  Jeez!]**

**Scene II**

**(Don't make me add another Swiss yodeler scene!)**

**[@#$% you and get back to the story!!!]**

**(*grumble grumble* ****We now go back to the Yin&Yang Hot-Springs Resort.  The girls seemed to have let loose and are greatly enjoying themselves in the lavish baths…)**

**[Heh, heh, heh…]**

**(Lecher!!)**

GALAXIA: (extremely tipsy) More _sake?!  (accidentally spills the jug)_

NEKO: (rosy with drink) G-chan, maybe you shouldn't drink so much…(giggles at Galaxia's drunken antics)

JESSE: (equally rosy) Hmm…don't be such a weakling.  (raises her cup with a gleeful grin) Cheers, G-chan!

GALAXIA: Cheers!!  (falls over with a splash)

NEKO: Galaxia!  (helps her up) You're gonna' drown her!

GALAXIA: (slurring) I is…perfectly fine!  Tee-hee!  #_#;;  (clings onto Neko for support)

NEKO: (sweatdrop) G-girl, you are such a lightweight…

JESSE: (to Neko) Now!  Aren't you glad you gave up that silly suspicion and let loose?

NEKO: (cheerily) Oh yeah!  (raises her cup cheerfully) Here's to vacations!

GALAXIA: And _sake!!  (starts giggling insanely and sliding once again into the water)_

**(Neko and Jesse both sweatdrop)**

NEKO: I think someone needs a cold shower now… (finally realizes she's naked and Galaxia is latched onto her waist)  YAAAGGHHH!!  GALAXIA, LEGGO 'A MEEEE!!!  EEEEEKKK!!!

GALAXIA: (dizzy) The world is spinning…!  Ugh… @_@;;

~~~~~~~~~~~

**(On the other side of the wall…)**

JAMES: That's a high wall.

KIO: Yep.

**(Silence)**

JAMES: Should we climb it?

KIO: Uh-huh.

**(More silence)**

JAMES: I don't want to climb it!

KIO: How else are we going to get on the other side?

JAMES: … Invitations?

KIO: (stretching determinedly) We're climbing.  Come on.

JAMES: (whimper)

**(They start to climb, when suddenly a sharp cry of women's laughter interrupts them.  They look to the source of the laughter and spot a pinpoint of light reflecting off the waters)**

KIO: Huh?  What's this?  (peers into the crack)  Hey!  This leads to the other side!

JAMES: Really?!  Lemme see!!  (tries to push him out of the way)

KIO: Hey, I was here first!  Back off!

JAMES: Move over!  I want to see too!

**(Pushing and shoving ensues.  Pieces of rock start to crumble away from the divider, and with a sudden crash of stones, both men tumble headfirst through the large gash into the women's baths beyond)**

BOTH: Yaaaaaggghhh!!  Oomf!

**(Startled by the commotion, Jesse, Neko, and a drunken Galaxia turn around from their chatting and spot the two male spies)**

JESSE: JAAAMES??!

NEKO & GALAXIA: (covering themselves desperately) EEEEEEEEKKK!!  PERVERTS!!

**(Looking up from where they are sprawled, both men blush bright red)**

JAMES: Uh, hi…

KIO: (sweatdropping nervously) Um, we were just…uh…we were…

JESSE: (furious) JAMES _NO BAKA!!  (picks up a large stone slab and pounds the bishonen with it)_

**(Kio shoots a nervous glance in Neko's direction, but the redhead has averted her gaze.  Covering herself modestly, she blushes insanely; too preoccupied with covering herself to retaliate.  The young man blushes further, unable to tear his eyes away)**

KIO: N-Neko…I…

GALAXIA: You perverts!!  (hits Kio in the head with another nearby rock)  We're naked, for crying out loud!!

NEKO: (sigh) G-chan just can't stand "Peeping Toms".

JESSE: Nope, she really can't.  (grabs her _yukata) Now let's get dressed before they come to._

NEKO: I'm with you there.

GALAXIA: (pointing at the water in horror) Yeek, they're drowning!!

NEKO: Oh, crap, we forgot to drag them out first!

**(The three of them struggle to drag the two unconscious men out of the water)**

~~~~~~~~~~

**(A mysterious stranger looks on from the top of the wall)**

M. STRANGER: Men are hopeless…Especially in areas of love.

**(Sighing softly, she turns and disappears)**

**Scene III**

**(Having dressed in the traditional red, black and white _yukatas of the resort, our heroes return to the resort's well-furnished diner for a bite of dinner…)_**

JAMES: (rubbing his head sorely) I can't believe you hit me with a big rock!  I'm going to have a bump the size of a horse on my head for a week!

JESSE: Serves you right for being such a pervert, koishíi!  Next time I'll hit something more valuable.

**(James chokes on his food, crossing his arms protectively over his crotch)**

MEOWTH: You're all a bunch of crazies, if ya ask me!  Bathin' naked in public!  Huh!  It's only expected some peekin's gonna' occur, you numbskulls!  (shovels some more ramen into his mouth)

GALAXIA: Just 'cuz you don't like water doesn't mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us!  Nyah!  (sticks her tongue out at the cat Pokémon)

**(Meowth sticks his tongue out back and Galaxia squeals in disgust)**

GALAXIA: Eeee-eew!  Meowth, there's food in your mouth!

KIO: Besides, we weren't tryin' to peek!  I already told you the wall just collapsed, all on it's own!

JAMES: (blink) But we _were trying to—_

**(Kio shoves a dumpling in his mouth to shut him up)**

JAMES: Mmmphh!!

JESSE: (giving the two a dark look) Huh, a likely story…!  (suddenly looks around) Hey, where'd Neko go?

JAMES: (pounding his chest furiously) *cough* …Gaaagh!!  I think she said she was going to take a peek around the resort on her own.

GALAXIA: (looking worried) Ooh, all on her own?  This place in enormous—I hope she doesn't get lost.

KIO: (grin) What are you talkin' about?  Our luck and she will!  (Galaxia stomps on his foot) Yaagh!!  Jeez!

GALAXIA: Someone should go look for her.  (giddily) She's missing all this great food!

JAMES: Come on, just a little while longer?  More for us!  (starts shoving food in his mouth at a more rapid rate)

MEOWTH: I call da last spring roll, ya pig!!

**(Even Galaxia begins scrabbling for more food)**

GALAXIA: You go find her, Jesse!

JESSE: Me?!  But I haven't had dessert yet!

KIO: (sighs and rubs a temple irritably) _I'll go find her… (pushes away from the table)_

**(Everyone pauses to look up at him curiously)**

GALAXIA: Kio?

KIO: (irritated) Whaaat?!

JESSE: You're really going to look for her?

KIO: (sigh) Yeah, I suppose.  (blinks thoughtful) Huh, that is funny.

JAMES: (mouth still full) Yeah.  Weird.

~~~~~~~~~~

**(The mysterious stranger from before is looking on from a shadowed corner.  A wan smile flits across her face, and then it—and her—disappear once again…)**

~~~~~~~~~~

**(Neko groans painfully under her breath, absently rubbing at her neck with one hand as she wanders the nearly silent halls of the resort)**

NEKO: Ahaa-ahn…Those martial arts are hell on my muscles.  (hiss) I think the hot-springs only made the ache worse.

**(Sighing dejectedly, she looks up from her grousing and spots a door marked 'Spas')**

NEKO: Hmm…Wonder if they give any backrubs around here?

**(She goes in, wandering the lavish pampering area with detached curiosity)**

NEKO: Yikes.  Talk about pricey!  (she finally spots a section that appears to consist of rows and rows of massage beds) Looks like I found the masseuse parlor.

**(A burly, rather good-looking masseuse approaches her, smiling pleasantly)**

MASSEUSE: Welcome.  Do you wish to get a massage?

NEKO: (suddenly looking uncertain) Uh…I don't know…

MASSEUSE: Shy?  Don't worry, all of Yin&Yang's masseuses are professionals, and our work is completely legit.

NEKO:  I've never really gotten a massage before.  I just think that having some stranger rub your back is a little…uh, too weird for me.  (thinks about her aching muscles) I can't believe I'm turning down a massage…

MASSEUSE: If it helps, all spa services are free of charge.  They are included in the resort's cover charge.

NEKO: (groan) And it's a _free massage…!  (sighs heavily) __Sumimasen, but not today, I think._

MASSEUSE: (smile) Please, come back anytime.  We will be happy to assist you.

**(Neko groans again at her own queasiness and exits the spas)**

NEKO: Ohhh, I don't think I can take much more of this…!  Why do I have to be such a moron?!  (smacks her forehead in disgust)

KIO: Neko!  (hurries up to her) Jeez, there you are!  (grump) I've been all over this place!  God is it huge!

NEKO: Kio!  (blushes slightly) What are _you doing here?!_

**(Kio looks at her, and suddenly remembers the incident back in the baths.  He blushes fiercely)**

KIO: Uh…I…The others are looking for you!  (regaining his composure somewhat) Um, I think there's suppose to be some fireworks festival tonight for the grand opening of the resort or something, and we were all planning on going.  The others wanted to know if you were coming too.

**(Neko is still uncomfortable over the hot-springs incident.  She averts her eyes in embarrassment, looking annoyed with herself for the action)**

NEKO: Oh…well, tell them…I'm not coming.  (she rubs again at her sore neck almost subconsciously)  I'm not really up to it tonight.

KIO: (uncomfortable) Oh.  Ah…this isn't about…this afternoon, is it?  (blushes again) Look, I'm really sorry about that!  I really didn't mean to—

NEKO: (blushing also) No!  NO!  I'm just…really tired.  And exhausted.  (turns away in embarrassment) This training really takes a toll on me.  (she stretches her neck painfully, trying to ease the stiffness there) I just need some rest and a cold bath.

KIO: Okay.  Um, I'll tell the others that.  You sure?

NEKO: Yeah, yeah.  I'll see you later.

KIO: (suddenly excited) Hey!  I know!  I could show you where the spas are.  That should do the trick.  I think I saw a brochure mentioning something about free massages.

NEKO: (nervous) Uh, thanks, but that's okay.  I've already been to the spas and…it's not for me.  (suddenly thoughtful) Why are you suddenly being so nice?

KIO: (surprised) Uh…whaaa—What are you talking about?

NEKO: (concerned) And on that thought, why am _I being so nice to you?_

KIO: (no longer playing stupid) Yeah.  I was wondering about that earlier.  Must be the whole 'relaxation' atmosphere.  Crazy, huh?

NEKO: … This is creepy.

KIO: (frustrated) So, what's this about the spas?  What's wrong with the masseuses?

NEKO: Okay, getting a little too personal.  I don't want to talk about this…

KIO: (confused) What, you don't like massage parlors?

NEKO: (blushing crazily) I don't like strangers touching me, that's all!  Something like a massage is just too…intimate to be doing with a complete stranger.  Now if you'll excuse me…

KIO: So, you mean, if they weren't a stranger…?

NEKO: What are you getting at?

KIO: I mean, is this a stranger issue…or an intimacy issue?

NEKO: You know what, Kio, I never asked for you help or your advice.  Just…screw off!

**(Starts to storm off hastily, but Kio cuts her off, peering at her seriously)**

KIO: No, come on, I'm serious.  Look, I'm pretty good at massages—

NEKO: (aghast) I can't believe you're even suggesting that—!

KIO: Just listen for a minute!  I'm not trying to—to come on to you or anything.  This will be totally business, totally proper.  Just a casual backrub.  I'm only offering because I know what a tough workout at the camp can do to you when you're not used to such strenuous work!  You're going to be in whole lot more pain if you don't take care of it now because it will just build up on itself.

NEKO: I…couldn't really…This is too weird.

KIO: Besides, no one has to know if that's what you're worried about.

**(Neko stares at him for awhile longer, wavering.  Finally she relents, sighing and turning away in embarrassment)**

NEKO: I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but…okay.  Deal.  (she grabs the front of his _yukata suddenly)  But NO ONE finds out about this—hear me?!_

KIO: (wide-eyed) Got it.

**Scene IV**

**[Ooh, this is getting kinky! ^_~]**

**(Quiet, you, and your overactive libido!  *ahem* ****So anyway, we find the rest of the group at the fireworks festival, decked out in colorful _yukatas for the occasion…)_**

JAMES: Those two have been gone a long time.  Do you think they're coming?

JESSE: Probably not.  I wonder what happened to them.

GALAXIA: (giddy) They prob'ly got lost or sompin'!  (hiccup) Ooh, look!  Geese!

JESSE: G-chan, those are napkins.  Give me that _sake jug!_

GALAXIA: (pout) But I like the _sake jug…_

JAMES: That's suppose to be for after the festival!  The fireworks haven't even started yet!

E. BEAR: Eeevil.  Eee, vil, evil-vil!

JAMES: Well you'll have to wait until after the fireworks now, won't you?

MEOWTH: Your fault you got such a massive hangover 'n slept through dinna'!

JESSE: (back thinking about Kio and Neko) Do you think they're off somewhere…doing something?

JAMES: (clueless) Huh?  Like what?  (Jesse hits him)

GALAXIA: (giggling crazily) Tee-hee!  That's funny!  Maybe when hell freezes over!

E. BEAR: Evil!

GALAXIA: Well no one asked _you, bear!_

JAMES: (whine) I wish they'd start the fireworks already!  I'm hungry!

JESSE: _No baka, we just had dinner!_

JAMES: (his stomach growls) I know but I'm hungry again…

GALAXIA: (drunken whisper) Here, Jamesie-wamesie, have some _sake…_

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**[Back to the kinky stuff!]**

**(It's not kinky!!)**

KIO: (nervous) So…uh, where do you want me to start?

NEKO: …  (also nervous) …Um, my neck is really bad.

KIO: Okay.  (taking a breath) I'll start there and work my way down.

NEKO: Down?!  eep

KIO: (panic) Just to your shoulders, of course!  R-right?

NEKO: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah.  Right.

**(The two are sitting in Neko's room, looking as stiff as boards and as uncomfortable as flies in a spider web.  Kneeling behind the redhead on the soft carpet, Kio gulps heavily and hesitantly brings his hands to her neck.  Brushing away a few strands of red curls that had fallen loose from the network of pins holding her hair away from her neck, he tugs nervously at the collar of her _yukata)_**

KIO: Ah…do you mind?

**(Neko merely shakes her head stiffly.  Moving with care, he loosens the kimono's collar, sliding the light fabric away from the pale neck.  Neko shudders nervously, and Kio gulps heavily)**

KIO: Damnit, why am I getting like this?!  It's just Neko, for Christ's sake!  (starts into the stiff muscles of her neck with skilled fingers) That okay?

NEKO: (suppressing a moan) God, that feels good!  I'm fine.  It's not like I'm porcelain, or something.

KIO: (purses his lips sourly) Still a bitch.  Just like always.  (groans inwardly, absorbed in the pale expanse of her neck) But your skin's like porcelain.  What would you say if I told you that?  Tell me to @#$% off, probably?

NEKO: (softly) I'm sorry.  I'm just…really weirded out by this right now.  Oh my God, did I just apologize to him?!  I must be high!

KIO: (surprised) Holy shit, she just apologized!  Okay, quick, where's my pulse?  Uh…that's okay.  (uncomfortable) This is pretty weird for me too.

NEKO: Yeah, I guess.

KIO: (grinning nervously) Besides, you're usually worse, you know.  Ooh, that was bright.  What would you like on your tombstone, Kiosuke?

NEKO: Jerk!  (sighs in enjoyment) But he's so good with his hands…!  Oh, great, that sounded good!  (smiles thinly) I'm going to take that as a compliment.

KIO: Maybe it was meant as one.  Was it?  I don't know what the @#$% I'm saying anymore!  God, her skin is soft!  (blinks in thought) Is that peaches I smell??

NEKO: Sounds like the typical Kio.  Lecherous scumbag…  Is that so?  Guess you bring out the best in me, huh Kio?

KIO: (sigh) I wish I could… (forces a cocky grin, despite the fact that she can't see him) If that's the way you want to put it, kitten.

NEKO: (blush) God, I love it when he calls me 'kitten'…  (shakes herself angrily)  What the hell am I thinking?!  Make these scary fuzzy thoughts stop!!

KIO: Neko?  She's so quiet.  Jeez, what if she fell asleep?

NEKO: (drowsily) Hmm…?  Please don't stop…don't ever stop…

KIO: Does she want me to stop?  God damnit I can't read women! I'm going to…move down now.  To your shoulders.  Okay?

NEKO: Mmm-hmm.  Hmm, what's he saying?  His voice is so soothing—I can feel it inside of me.

KIO: (gulping nervously) Oh God oh God oh God…!  (begins to slowly slide the neck of her _yukata down further)  Oh @#$%, oh @#$%!!  I can't do this!  Must not…lose…control…!_

NEKO: (gasp) Oh God, oh God, he's undressing me!  I'm practically naked in this little robe and he's touching my neck and—oh God, this is not good how wonderful that feels!  (hisses sharply as his fingers find a particularly knotted muscle)

KIO: (concerned) You alright?  Oh shit, I hurt her!

NEKO: No, no, I'm fine!  Don't stop, you moron! (laughs nervously) Guess I'm a lot stiffer than I thought.  Eew, that sounded gross.

KIO: (blushing furiously) That was…awkward. Yeah.  Guess so.  This is getting repetitive.

**[You got that right, man!  Damnit, I wanna' see some mother-friggin' action!]**

**(Must you always interrupt the dramatic scenes?)**

**[Dramatic scene, my ass!  This shit is…shit.  Do something sexier!)**

**(No, you know what?  I think I won't and I'll just dredge up the Swiss yodeler for your viewing pleasure once again.  Once upon a time, in the mountains of Tibet…)**

**[OH SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, STOP, STOP!!!  JUST GET BACK TO THE SAPPY STORY AT HAND, YOU HACK!!]**

**(You called me a 'hack'.)**

**[I said, 'go back'.  Now shut up and type!]**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**(Both are silent for some time, absorbed in the erotic feel of the neck-rub and focused only on the feel of hands on soft flesh.)**

**[Now _that's sexy.  *heh heh* _****You wrote 'erotic'!]**

**(For the sake of my sanity, SHUT UP!  *ahem* ****So engrossed were they, that they failed to notice the wispy figure watching them closely from the shadows)**

M. STRANGER: Hmph  Sometimes hate runs deeper than the eye may reach.  And sometimes hate is a name for that which we cannot perceive nor entertain in thought.  (she smiles softly, with only little malevolence) I will erase your hate.  And then you will see clear.

**[Ooh, kinky!]**

**(What's so kinky about the mysterious stranger?!)**

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Kio's rhythm slowly decreased, and finally died.  Resting his hands gently on her bare shoulders, he stared at the white neck before him, rosy with his attentions…)**

KIO: Neko… Oh God, I have to say something!  My mouth is frozen!

NEKO: (holding her breath) Why did he stop?  His fingers are burning into my neck…oh God, don't let it end.  Don't let it go back to cutting words and dirty looks!

KIO: (leaning in closer) Do you really hate me?  Why am I asking this?  She's going to crush me like a bug...

NEKO: (surprised) I… (trembles nervously)  What do I say?  Don't lie!  Just don't lie!  I…I don't…I don't think so…Kio.

KIO: Good.  'Cuz I don't hate you.  (leaning even closer) I wouldn't want you to hate me alone.

NEKO: (numb) Kio…

**(He doesn't answer.  Neko's heart races madly, feeling his breath on her neck.  Kio leans forward slowly, and presses a gentle kiss to her shoulder.  Neko gasps sharply in surprise)**

NEKO: (shocked) Kiosuke…!

KIO: (sliding the _yukata even further off her shoulder) Don't.  Please.  (presses another kiss to her shoulder, working his way up to her neck) I promise you can hurt me for this later._

NEKO: (closing her eyes with pleasure) I won't hurt you.  Just don't hurt me…

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	8. A PissDrunk Special, Part III: Bilingual...

(9/22/01 — 9/23/01) **A Piss-Drunk Special, Part III: Bilingual Debacles**

NEW CHARACTERS:

PROFESSOR OAK

MRS. KETCHUM (Ash's mom, duh)

TRACEY

the DIRECTOR

the PRODUCER

the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

some pet supply store CLERK

a credit card machine

a BARTENDER

and some _muffins_

**Scene I**

**(Just for a change of pace—and scenery—we go now to some distant mountaintop—)**

**[NO, NO, PLEASE, I WAS JUST KIDDING EARLIER ABOUT YOU BEING A HACK!!!  *sob***** PLEASE, PLEEEEASSE DON'T GO BACK TO THE YODELER!!]**

**(*blink* ****I wasn't going to.  *irritated* ****Now please shut up!  Interloper…)**

**[*sobbing in relief* ****Oh thankGodthankGod, thank God!!  Nice narrator person, you…!]**

**(  …  ;;  …  )**

PROF. OAK: (blink, blink) Oh dear…What are we doing on this distant mountaintop?

TRACEY: (clinging in terror to the Prof.) The scenery just went WOOSH! and suddenly—HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAB?!

PROF. OAK: (sweatdrop) Tracey…would you mind letting go of my arm?

TRACEY: (sheepish) Oh, uh…yeah.  Sorry, Professor!

MRS. KETCHUM: (walking out of nowhere smiling cheerily) Oh, Professor!  Would you like some of these bran muffins I baked?  I just stopped by to see how you were—(abruptly looks down at cloud-scape surrounding them)  What in HELL is going on??!!

PROF. OAK: (still relatively calm) Oh, hello, Delia.  It appears we have been caught in some sort of plot hole, no doubt.  Ooh, muffins!  (takes the proffered plate from Mrs. K's hands)

MRS. K: (still looking around dubiously) Oh.  Is that it?  (turns to Tracey, apparently unfazed) Tracey, would _you care for some bran muffins?_

TRACEY: Yaagh!  (face faults in disbelief)

PROF. OAK: He's a little off-kilter with this whole business.

MRS. K: Oh, the poor boy.  Do you like the muffins?

PROF. OAK: (grinning eagerly) They're delicious, Delia!  _Arigato gozaimasu._

MRS. K: Ah, _doo itashimashite, Oak-__san!  [1]_

TRACEY: (shocked & confused) _Demo…demo…!  [2]_

MRS. K: (blink) _Nan desu ka, Kenji?  [3]_

**(Kenji?)**

**[Hey, what happened to the dubbed voices?]**

**(Ah, _oro… I think the American funding ran out.  All the script is in Japanese from here on…)_**

**[What?!  Not even subtitles?!]**

**(*looking over the script* ****_Ano, it looks that way)_**

**[Aaiie!!  They've got you, too!]**

**(*blink* ****Ah…ah…_oro?  *annoyed* _****_Nani kuso) [4]_**

KENJI: _Gomen, demo…nihongo de wa omou koto o iiarawashinikui!  (bursts into loud sobbing & tearing at his hair)  [5]_

**[At least I can still write the side-notes in English]**

**(_Nani?  Nani?  Sou da ne?!  *looking crazed*)  [6]_**

DIRECTOR: Sorry, guys, but they cut the budget on us.  You'll just have to improvise.

**(_Nan de mo soo iu uwasa desu!!  *grrr…*_****)  [7]**

DIRECTOR: Um, yeah, whatever you just said…(sweatdrops & looks at author)

**[Don't look at me—I'm not bilingual!!]**

DIRECTOR: (looking at production notes) We're screwed.

**(_Naruhodo hontoo desu, baka na!!)  [8]_**

**[*long unending sigh* ****… ]**

KETCHUM-SAN: (confused) _Naze ka shiranai.  Anata iru Nipponjin.  [9]_

PROF. OAK: _Hai, Kenji.  (smiles & hands Kenji the tray of muffins) __Taberu, shonen!  [10]_

KENJI: (smiles) _Hai!  Arigato, Professor-__san!_

**[Damn-ass cheapskates!  Where are those goddamned subtitling machines?!]**

**(*loud, profuse swearing in Japanese*****)**

PRODUCER: (signaling the director) Got it, Michael.  Our dubbing crew is back online.

DIRECTOR: Where the hell did you get the moolah for that?

PRODUCER: Let's see…The networking officials said not to tell you because we might get in trouble so…um, I can't tell you.**  So, ready to start filming again?**

DIRECTOR: You bet, Norman.  Okay, everyone, let's keep that film rolling!

ASS. DIRECTOR: You think we should change the set?

DIRECTOR: Nah, keep it.  Nobody will even notice.

ASS. DIRECTOR: Got it.  Okay!  Places everybody!

TRACEY: (pout) I wanted a scene change!

PROF. OAK: Oh, shut up, boy.  Eat your muffin!

~~~~~~~~~~~****

Notes on translations:

[1] _Doo itashimashite:  You're welcome (Nothing at all/Don't mention it)_

[2] _Demo:  But_

[3] _Nan desu ka?:  What is it?_

[4] _Nani kuso:  Damn it_

[5] _Gomen, demo…nihongo de wa omou koto o iiarawashinikui!:  I'm sorry, but…it is difficult to express my thought in Japanese!_

[6] _Sou da ne?:  Is that so?_

[7] _Nan de mo soo iu uwasa desu:  So they say/So I hear_

[8] _Naruhodo hontoo desu, baka na!:  I can see that, stupid!  (I see it is true, stupid)_

[9] _Naze ka shiranai.  Anata iru Nipponjin:  I don't know why.  You are Japanese._

[10] _Taberu, shonen:  Eat, boy_

**Scene II**

**(Meanwhile, at a pet supply store in RockDanville [that's TR's hometown, _no da]_****…)**

GIOVANNI: (severely PO'd) What do you mean my credit card doesn't compute?!

CLERK: (bored tone) I mean just that, sir.  It doesn't compute.  The machine's rejecting you.

GIOVANNI: (face purpling w/rage) WHAT?!!  No one rejects me!  It MUST take my card, or I'll kick your ass so hard, you're teeth will shake!!  (snatches the credit card machine) Give me that insubordinate piece of machinery, you incessant dimwit!

**(He proceeds to continually ramming his credit card into the offending machine, sending the credit card-swiper into a fit of high pitched beeps)**

CLERK: (becoming concerned) Sir!  Sir, please don't treat the machinery—

GIOVANNI: (now in angry tears) GIVE ME MY MONEY, YOU SHODDILY CRAFTED P.O.S.!!!

**(Hmm…interesting)**

**[Those naughty network officials…]**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**(Alright, that's enough of that, now.  Back to the story?)**

**[Back to the story!]**

JAMES: _Haa-AI!  Itadakimasu!!               (--'Let's eat', or literally, 'Thank you for the meal')_

**(AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!)**

JESSE: (smacking him over the head) James!  Not yet!  The fireworks just started!

JAMES: (small voice) Aw, _gomen, Jess-chan!  But I'm so hungry!_

**(DON'T DO THAT!!)**

JAMES: (cower) EEEEEeeeeeEEEeeE!!!!

JESSE: (hits him again) _Baka!  __Now what are you whining for?!_

**(*grumbling darkly* ****Stupid anime bilingual expressions…!)**

JAMES: G-chan, save me!  (glomps onto her desperately)

GALAXIA: (still drunk) Eee!  Rape!!  Murder!  Gerrof!!  (beats on him w/a _sake dish)_

MEOWTH & E. BEAR: (sweatdrop) …

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Meanwhile…)**

**[It's pretty quiet in here.  *lecherous grin*****]**

**(_Hai.  *blinks, then smacks himself* _****Ahem, anyway…Neko-chan and Kiosuke, unaware of the festival below—)**

**[Get it on!!  *snigger*****]**

**(No!  Perv!  *ahem*  ****Nothing has yet happened…other than the…neck kissing—but anyway!  They are still currently—guiltily and nervously—occupied with one another, despite their usual clashing personalities)**

**[Get to the nasty, you lame-O's!]**

KIO: (pulling away nervously) I'm…I'm sorry.  I don't know what I was…

NEKO: (fixing her collar self-consciously) Uh…n-no, that's okay.  I—thanks for the massage.  I'm feeling a lot better now.  (climbs to her feet hurriedly)

KIO: (following in suit) Oh.  Yeah, you're welcome.  (shifts nervously, unable to tear his eyes away despite his embarrassed flush)

**(Suddenly a loud cracking boom splits the air, causing the room to light up in a cascade of colors.  Both Rocket cadets jump nervously)**

KIO: (blink) Oh yeah, the festival!  I forgot!

NEKO: (horrified) That's right!  They're expecting you!  (shoves him towards the door) You should go!

KIO: (hesitant) But…

**(There's another loud, quaking boom, and someone comes flying in through the large observational window, shrieking loudly)**

NEKO: (jumping back) What the—?!

**(She stumbles backwards into Kio, sending them both sprawling to the floor in a compromising heap)**

GALAXIA: (jumping up from the heap of rubble) Owwie!!  I have glass in my _yukata!_

NEKO: (from the floor) G-chan?!  What happened?!

KIO: Oof!  (hisses in pain and shifts from under Neko) Ow…hip bone…yeah.

NEKO: (blushing, embarrassed) Oh!  (eyes widen further; she jumps off of him hastily) Sorry!

GALAXIA: (weeping drunkenly) Waagh!  I got too close to the fireworks stand!

NEKO: (sweatdrops) _Ano…Galaxia, let's get you fixed up._

GALAXIA: Okay.  (sniffling childishly)  I think my _obi's ripped…_

KIO: (irritated) Hey.  In pain here, too, y'know!

NEKO: Then go find yourself a Band-Aid, you baby!  (shoving him out of the room) Now get out—we're changing in here!  (slams the door on him)

KIO: (sweatdrop) Huh.  So much for the moment.

**(James comes running down the hall, huffing loudly in exertion)**

JAMES: Ah…ah…!  Kio!  Did you happen to see—

KIO: (sighs & puts a hand on James' shoulder) You just missed her.  Come on, let's go get a drink…the girls should be awhile.

JAMES: (hopeful) Ooh, yes!  Order up a plate of hot wings as well, and I'll take you up on that offer!  (runs off for the bar laughing madly)

KIO: (shaking his head sadly) Gotta' get me some new peeps…

**[Since when is Kiosuke ghetto?]**

**(Since I wrote it in the script, homey.  Now shut up)**

**[*indescript grumbling*****]**

**(I'm getting a headache…)**

**Scene III**

**(Back at that pet supply store…)**

GIOVANNI: Yes!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: Yes!!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: (turning purple) YES!!

CLERK: (getting fed-up) Sir, we don't have in-store loans!  You'll have to come back later when you have some cash.

GIOVANNI: I don't want to wait until later, you MINDLESS TWIT!!  I WANT MY "HAPPY KITTY-MEOW CHOW" NOW!!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: Yes!

CLERK: (yelling towards the back) Manager?!

GIOVANNI: (calming somewhat) Fine!  You leave me with no choice…(clasping his hands) Please?

CLERK: (thoughtful pause) … No.

GIOVANNI: Grrr…!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(That's becoming frightening)**

**(So anyway, on a nearby road off the edge of a forest…)**

**[Just curious, but why are we going everywhere but to the actual story?]**

**(Because we've got LOTS of extra funds to burn)**

**[Okay.  Just asking.  TALLY-HO!]**

MISTY: Any answer yet, Ash?

ASH: (putting down the payphone w/a puzzled expression) No.  I think I got the answering machine.

BROCK: What'd it say?

ASH: (further puzzled) Something about some remote mountaintop and bran muffins…I don't know.  Religious pilgrimage or something, I guess.

MISTY: (confused) She's in Tibet?

ASH: (shrug) I dunno'.  Let's just see if we can find a bus or something.

MISTY: No way!  No more busses!!

BROCK: What's her damage?

ASH: (sigh) Don't ask… (blinks suddenly) Um, Brock…you're still wearing that apron.  _Just that apron._

BROCK: (irritated) Yeah.  So rub it in.

MISTY: (sweatdrop) Let's try someone else.  Who else do we know who lives nearby?  (looks at remaining change) Because we sure can't afford long distance.

ASH: (huffily) Well if you'd just wait until after six, we _could afford it!_

BROCK: Hey, isn't Team Rocket's Secret Hideout nearby?

MISTY: Yeah, you're right.

ASH: Huh.  Some 'secret hideout' if you both know about it.

BROCK: Look up their number!

MISTY: (horrified) But they're bad guys!

BROCK: So?  We need help.

MISTY: Yeah, but…they could assault us or something—steal our Pokémon.

ASH: (cringe) Or belittle us with petty insults and torture us with their horrible motto…

**(They all collectively shiver in horror—"Urrgh!")**

BROCK: (torn-looking) But…but…I'M WEARING AN APRON FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!!

ASH: (thinks, then nods eagerly to that) Okay, call them.  I'd trade them Pikachu just to get Brock some clothes.

MISTY: You've got a point.  (hurriedly grabs for the phonebook & starts searching)

~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR: (turning to the producer) I'd say these funds are going towards a good cause, wouldn't you?

PRODUCER: Yep.  Definitely.  More caviar?

DIRECTOR: Ooh, please.

**(*muttering something about corrupt production companies & so forth*****)**

**[This is the mid-season special??]**

**(Try explaining the perks some other way)**

**Scene IV**

**(Things have calmed down somewhat at the Yin&Yang Hot Springs Resort)**

**[Somewhat?]**

**(Yes, somewhat.  We find our favorite troupe of heroes gathered around the resort's elaborate bar)**

JESSE: (chewing out James) I _told you not to eat until the fireworks were over!  We were suppose to watch them together!  It was __suppose to be romantic!!_

JAMES: (still stuffing his face) How's it s'pose to be romantic with all these people around?

**(Jesse smacks him over the head w/a plate.  Then—just for the hell of it—she kicks over his bar stool in frustration)**

JAMES: Yaaa—OOMF!

KIO: Sorry, Jesse.  I didn't realize he wasn't supposed to eat.

JESSE: (taking a seat at the bar) Oh, it's not your fault, Kio.  Bartender!

BARTENDER: What'll it be, miss?

JESSE: (heavy sigh) Fuzzy navel, please.  Heavy on the liquor.

MEOWTH: Oh great, ya got her started, James!  (kicks James irritably) Now dere'll be no stoppin' her!

KIO: (to Meowth) Jesse's not a heavy drinker, is she?

JAMES: Only when she's driven to it.

**(Meowth nods in agreement and steals the last of the hot wings.  James jumps up hastily, grabbing onto Jesse's arm pleadingly)**

JAMES: Jeeee-sseeeeee, don't do it!!  I'm sorry!  The festival's not over just yet!

JESSE: Lemme go, James!  It's just one drink!  (tries to shake him off)

JAMES: (glomping onto her waist in desperation) Please, please, please, PLEASE, don't start binge drinking, koishíi!!  We can do something else that's romantic!!  Eee-hee-hee!

MEOWTH: (eye roll) Embarrassin'.  Da way he throws 'imself at her mercy.

KIO: (shaking head sadly) It's not lookin' good for male-kind.

**(Galaxia, giggling excitedly, comes rushing into the bar and throws herself at the complimentary beer nuts)**

GALAXIA: Yay!!  Beer nuts!

**(Neko-chan follows shortly, rubbing a temple & sweatdropping silently.  In light of the festivities, she's changed into a light pink _yukata w/a pattern of cherry blossoms and embroidered with translucent, silver butterflies)_**

NEKO: Ugh.  Don't ever try 'cleaning up' a drunk who flew through your window!

JAMES: (turning from Jesse momentarily) You missed the fireworks!

NEKO: Yeah.  I figured.  (flaps a hand dismissively) No matter.  Bartender, get me a—

**(Kio jumps at her, pinning a hand over her mouth hurriedly)**

KIO: Not you too!!

NEKO: Mmmmphff!!  Gerroffame!!  Mmmm!!

JESSE: (sweatdrop) I can just feel the love in here…

MEOWTH: Some vacation…Jesse, pass me anotha' of dose hot wings.

**(Sighing hopelessly, Jesse shoves him the plate, nursing her drink sullenly.  Meanwhile, both James and Kio are busy restraining Neko-chan...)**

JAMES: You mustn't resort to drinking!!

KIO: You're not even old enough to drink!

NEKO: (whining) But this is a vacation!!  Come on, lay off!  (weep)

GALAXIA: Here, Né-chan, have some beer nuts!  (smiles cheerily)

**[Author's Note: Galaxia's _yukata is pale lavender with silver designs embroidered over it.  Just thought I'd tell ya]_**

**(Just ta tell ya?)**

**[No one gets the joke, y'know]**

**(*sweatdrop* ****So, what about Jesse's?)**

**[Um, yellow.  A very pretty yellow with rose buds and embroidered rose petals scattered along the hems]**

**(Ah, _kawaii, de shou?)_**

**[_Hai.  Now back to the story]_**

JESSE: Oh G-chan, you're still sloshed…(sigh)

MEOWTH: Somebody get dis goil a cold bath.

KIO: …

NEKO: (seeing his look) _No baka hentaii!  (smacks him w/a harisen)_

GALAXIA: (tee hee hee) How funny!  I feel fine!  (falls off her bar stool)

**(Everyone shares a collective sigh, even the bartender)**

MEOWTH: No more parties for you, missy.

**(Galaxia pouts angrily)**

NEKO: (looking around suddenly) Oh great, where'd E. Bear get to _now?_

**(Wait, what about the guys!)**

**[What about 'em?]**

**(What are they wearing?)**

**[*irritated* ****Clothes, that's what!  Now shut up!  Talk about role reversals…]**

JESSE: (thinking) Hmm, he's around here somewhere, I suppose.

NEKO: Great.  Guess I gotta' go look for him again.

MEOWTH: Probably lookin' up skirts somewhere.

GALAXIA: (poutily) Little pervert.  (starting to look green) Urrgh, Né-chan, I don't feel so good.

NEKO: (sweatdrop) Let's get you to your room first, neh?  (helps carry Galaxia away)

KIO: (to the others) I'll go check out the festival and see if I can find E. Bear.

JESSE: Not much of a festival left to search, but have fun…

JAMES: (nervous) Jesse, that's going to be your only drink, riiiiight?

JESSE: (cracking a grin) Oh, James, where's your sense of fun?  We're on vacation!

JAMES: (groan) Oh, I think _I'm going to need a drink, too._

**Scene V**

**(On a completely different note…)**

DIRECTOR: We think you interfere too much.

**[What?!]**

PRODUCER: We feel you add too much of your two-cents to the story for our liking.

**(Come on!  We're just informing the audience!  We help explain little plot nuances)**

**['Artist license' mean anything to you guys?]**

PRODUCER: I'm sorry, boys, but we're going to have to replace you.  At least for now.

DIRECTOR: As soon as the special's over, you can have your jobs back.

**(This is insane!  You can't just fire us!  We're the most important element of the story!)**

**[Is this about the clothing descriptions?]**

PRODUCER: Like I said, I'm sorry.

**(Alright then.  Who's your new fancy-pants narrator, then?)**

DIRECTOR: An associate of ours has volunteered, and we took him up on the offer, seeing as how he's going through a bit of a hard time.

GIOVANNNI: Now, Mr. Haigney, I'm confused.  Do I have to speak in all caps, or in boldface?

**(YOU'RE REPLACING ME WITH TEAM ROCKET'S BOSS?!?!!)**

DIRECTOR: (to Giovanni) No, Mr. Giovanni, just the boldface.  Don't pay attention to our current narrator's example.

PRODUCER: Hey, we like to help those in need.

**[He's only IN NEED because of your—]**

PRODUCER: Do you want your job back when this is over?

**(Um, this makes no sense.  You can't fire the author)**

DIRECTOR: Hmm.  (turns to producer) He's got a point, Norman.

PRODUCER: (looking at a clipboard) But we need him to shut up, Michael.  Ratings are plummeting.

**[Hey, that's not my fault!  Blame this cheesy, sappy plot twist you've got going on!]**

DIRECTOR: Um, you wrote it.

**[*pause* ****Um, it's his fault then.  *points to the narrator*****]**

**(Thanks a lot)**

**[Don't mention it]**

PRODUCER: That fact aside, you're both out of the project for the time being.  Mr. Giovanni, if you will…

GIOVANNI: Thank you, Norman.

DIRECTOR: Sir, you need to get in boldface now.

**(NO, NO, BOLDFACE IS MINE YOU BACKSTABBING BASTARDS!!  DON'T TOUCH MY $#@%^&$ BOLDFACE!!!  *runs away insanely w/the keyboard*****)**

PRODUCER: (sigh) Michael…Call security.

**[*sweatdrop* ****He's really not helping himself…]**

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	9. A PissDrunk Special, Part IV: The Touchi...

(9/29/01 — 10/13/01) **A Piss-Drunk Special, Part IV: The Touching Conclusion**

NEW CHARACTERS:

RAICHU

ARBOK

LICKITUNG

VICTRIBELL

FLAREON

a TV REPORTER

and a CAMERA MAN

**Scene I**

**(Do I have to say the scene title?  What?  Oh—OH!  *ahem* ****Our first scene—what?  You want me to…?  I don't understand?  What?  Turn the _what off? … )_**

**PLEASE STAND BY ^_^**

*cue standard issue elevator music*

JAMES: What happened to the narration??

JESSE: (totally drunk & falling all over him) (sweetly) Jamesie-wamesie, the bartender man says I've overextended my tab!  Buy me a drink-_sie?_

JAMES: … (sweatdrop) …Uh…(sweating nervously as she begins to unbutton his shirt) …Jesse—koishii—don't you think you've…_eep!…had enough drinks for one night?_

MEOWTH: Let alone one vacation.

JESSE: (adorably pouting) ((she's REEEEALLLY drunk…)) What's 'a matter, darling?  Don't you like me when I'm all loosened up?  (eyelash flutter)

**(Meowth and James share a look)**

MEOWTH: She's got a point—can't believe I'm sayin' dis…—she is a whole lot betta' like dis.

JAMES: (looking connivingly thoughtful) Yes…very…

JESSE: (climbing into James' lap & giving him the innocent-eye treatment) So…One more drink?  Pre-tty, pre-tty, pleeease, honey?  (coy look) I could always pay you back some…_other way, hmm?_

JAMES: (blank stare of a truly lost man) …Uh…uh-huh…

MEOWTH: (ready to gag) Where did everyone else go again?  'Cuz I need to be there.  I have a feeling 'naughtiness' is about to ensue…

**(He could be right, there)**

JAMES: (snapping out of it momentarily) Hey, there's the narrator!!

JESSE: (grrr) …!

**(She grabs his face roughly & pulls him back around)**

JESSE: Buy me a drink now, _sweetheart, or no playtime!!_

JAMES: (terrified) EeeeE!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(On to other things…Is this really how they behave in public??)**

***Pre-translated—of course—for your viewing convenience***

CHAN-SAW: How come you're all at home alone?

RAICHU: Dunno.  They forgot us or somethin', y'know.

ARBOK: DAMN THESE RESTRICTIVE, DEMEANING CONTRACTS!!  OUR SOCIAL STRUCTURE WILL BE THEIR DOWNFALL!!

CHAN-SAW: Now what's he yammering about?

LICKITUNG: No one really knows anymore.

VICTRIBELL: We can't seem to get him to take his Ritalin.  (swallows Arbok's head)

ARBOK: Mmmphff!!  Curses!  Let go of me, you filthy cretin!!

FLAREON: Must we entertain ourselves this way?

RAICHU: Ah, go hump a 6-pack of Ballpark, y'know.

FLAREON: (gasp) How dare you!  I never!  (stalks away to do just that)

CHAN-SAW: Sometimes I wonder why I hang around a bunch of raging psychotics like you.  This is one of those times.

LICKITUNG: Now you're mumbling too?  Hey, can I lick your head?

CHAN-SAW: (brandishing her chainsaw in terror) AAGH, GET BACK!!

**(What the—?!  What is this; 'tonight on Wild America****'?!  This is utterly pointless & irrelevant to the rest of the story!!)**

DIRECTOR: Yeah, but it's funny!  Isn't it?  (girlish giggling) Tee hee!

**(…he pays you, he pays you Right.  Um, okay, anyway…so, back to the…story.  Uh, Neko and her drunk little friend what's-her-name—)**

GALAXIA: Waaagh!!  The narrator forgot my name!

NEKO: _Oro?  (blinks as Galaxia falls over & passes out)  ((--remember, she __is drunk))_

**(…Yeah…Galaxia.  Anyway, those two go to Galaxia's room where Neko is dropping Galaxia off to sleep off the effects of all the _sake she downed)_**

**(Neko somehow manages to drag her friend into the room and drops her somewhat unceremoniously onto the bed)**

NEKO: Oof!  No wonder they call it a 'beer-gut'!  Sheesh!

GALAXIA: (suddenly sitting up) Ha!  I'm awake!

NEKO: Would've helped me a lot sooner!

GALAXIA: Sorry!  ^_#

NEKO: (sigh) 'S'okay.  You sleep now.  I'm gonna' go back down and make sure Jesse hasn't seduced 'ol Jimmy-boy into buyin' her more booze… (goes to leave)

GALAXIA: (suddenly sober) Hey, Neko…something wrong?  You're acting…weird lately.

NEKO: (blinks at her slowly) No.  I'm…(looks thoughtful) I am acting weird, aren't I?

GALAXIA: (nervously pressing her index fingers together) You're acting all funny-like…around Kio…this isn't like some sort of mid-life crisis thing, is it?  I mean with the hot flashes and maternal guilt complex thing…

NEKO: WHAT?!  (blushing) N-no!!  That's—no, that's not it!  (sobering again) There's something about this place, though.  I just can't quite put my finger on it…

GALAXIA: Like it's controlled by some demonic spirit that eliminates people's inhibitions and draws out their deepest, darkest desires in order to feed its own feelings of betrayal deriving from some hundreds-of-centuries-old, tragically destroyed romance, trapping it within the walls of this resort as a form of eternal damnation?

NEKO: No, that's ridiculous!  I think it's the water.

GALAXIA: (blink) Oh, right.  It could be that.

NEKO: Definitely the water.

GALAXIA: (getting oogly-eyed)  ((I think she's drunk again)) Or it could just be this overwhelmingly romantic atmosphere, you know!!  Like today, I almost had feelings for Meowth when we were at the fireworks!  (frown) Well, but then my vision cleared and I attempted to gag myself…so maybe not…

NEKO: (sigh) G-chan, lay off the crack.

GALAXIA: Hey, I'm a drunk, not a crack-head!  Get that straight!  (promptly passes out again)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(New scene already?  Yeesh, this thing jumps around so much I'm getting motion sickness…!)**

**(*sigh* ****So anyway, back in the resort's nice, cozy anteroom…)**

JAMES: (nervous) Uh…Jesse?  Jess-chan?  Meowth…how do I get her to stay upright?

MEOWTH: Prop 'er up with some pillows, Jimmy.  Now pipe down—I'm watchin' _Friends!  (cranks up the volume & stares engrossed-like at the television)_

**(James obediantly proceeds to suffocate Jesse in a wall of fluffy pillows, who has finally passed out from her drinking binge)**

JAMES: La, la, la…!  ((--_way too easily amused))_

**(Hey, where are these smart-assed comments coming from, anyway?)**

((Nowhere.  Go back to narrating))

**(*monotone voice* ****Yes, master…Hey, what the?!)**

JAMES: (strained) La, la, la…  ((he's trying to ignore 'the voices'))

MEOWTH: I said shut up!  (throws a coaster at James)

JAMES: Eep!  (ducks behind the mountain of pillows holding Jesse up)

JESSE: …mmm…??…more pudding, James-chan?  You rogue…!  (drunken, passed-out giggling)

JAMES: (pouting) I buy her two more drinks and this is what I get?  Even 'dream' me is getting more action than I am!

MEOWTH: Don't feel bad.  Chandler never gets any either and his friends still think he's witty and lovable.

JAMES: Yeah, but everybody thinks he's GAY!

MEOWTH: (cheerily) Hey, so you're even more alike dan I thought!

**(We now allow a momentary respite for James to properly beat the living snot out of Meowth.  … End respite)**

JAMES: (dusting his hands off smugly) So, Meowth, who are you most like, then?

MEOWTH: (twitching painfully) Urrgh…pain…!!

JAMES: (cheerily) I know!  You're like Marcel, the monkey!  And…Jesse's like Rachael, because she's the hottest, of course, Neko's like Monica…well not really but we'll just pretend.  (thinking hard) Hmmm, who's left?

MEOWTH: (mostly recovered) What about Galaxia?

JAMES: Oh, that one's obvious.  She's like Joey!

MEOWTH: Whaaa—?!  (face faults)

JAMES: What?  She's not?

KIO: Who's not what?

JAMES & MEOWTH: WAAAAGGGHHH…!  (face fault violently)

KIO: (sweatdrop) I found E. Bear.

E. BEAR: (shaking his head sadly) Eeevil…

MEOWTH: (to James) So, who's Kiosuke like, huh?

JAMES: (quaking nervously) He's like…scary!

MEOWTH: (jumping up in Kio's face) Do dat again and I run ya over with my car!

JAMES: It's not our car, Meowth.  It's the company car!

MEOWTH: (jumping down) Details, details!  (turns the volume up a couple more notches & goes back to watching _Friends)_

KIO: …Um…((--really disturbed)) …Anyway, where is everyone?

JAMES: Neko hasn't come back yet from dropping off Galaxia.  (points sheepishly at Jesse, who has tipped over and is now drowning him in pillows) And Jesse passed out from alcohol poisoning.

KIO: That was fast.

MEOWTH: Blame it on James.  You shoulda' seen 'im loading 'em off on her.

JAMES: I was not!  I was just being helpful!

MEOWTH: To your libido.

JAMES: It's times like these that prove the wisdom of not teaching Pokémon how to TALK.

MEOWTH: And it's times like dese dat make me wonder how a creature so DENSE somehow retains the ability to.

KIO: (sweat drop) I think I'm gonna' go look for Neko…You coming, E. Bear?

E. BEAR: (hastily) Evil!

**(Run!  Run as fast as your little legs permit!)**

**Scene II**

**(Where are my Tums?  … Oh!  So, anyway, back to Neko-chan)**

NEKO: I wonder if those guys are still down at the bar or they all passed out somewhere?

**(Where is she anyway?)**

DIRECTOR: Hey, you're the narrator—you're supposed to tell _us!_

**(Oh, damn)**

ASS. DIRECTOR: Another plot-hole?

DIRECTOR: I think the author is pissed-off.

CAMERA MAN: No kidding.

**(Guys?!  Ahem!)**

ALL: Oh.  Sorry.

NEKO: (pausing suddenly) What the—?  I just had the weirdest feeling… (looking around suspiciously)

**(*panicking* ****Uh, uh…A weird feeling, which must have been the cause of…of…)**

DIRECTOR: The mysterious stranger!

CAMERA MAN: Yeah, good one, Mike!

**(Ah, yes!  The mysterious stranger, who was lurking nearby in the numerous shadows)**

ASS. DIRECTOR: Oooh…!

DIRECTOR: Shut up!  (clobbers him w/his clipboard)

**(*through his teeth* ****You imbeciles are going to ruin it…!)**

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Hmmm…this girl…She may be more of a challenge than I had expected.

CAMERA MAN: (cheerily) Because she's a bitch!

**(Can we gag the stage crew by any chance?)**

**(The mysterious stranger's eyebrow twitches warningly, but otherwise she ignores the stage crew)**

M. STRANGER: So stubborn and afraid…What makes you so afraid?  (thoughtful)

NEKO: (spinning around nervously) Creepy…My mind's playing tricks on me.  (laughs nervously) Ha, ha, Neko, you've gotta' stop watching those psycho-killer flicks!

M. STRANGER: (another eye twitch) I'm insulted.  (collects herself again) Well, young lady, your fears are fruitless.  I will show you what your fears are keeping you from.

CAMERA MAN: I don't get it.

DIRECTOR: She's being evasive.  Shush!

ASS. DIRECTOR: That is SO like a woman!  (the Director stomps on his foot) OW!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(*sigh* ****Meanwhile, down an adjoining hall…)**

KIO: This is getting redundant.  How many times have I gone off to find people now?

E. BEAR: Ee…evil?

KIO: No.  Seriously.  (sigh) Jeez, where'd she run off to, anyway?  And _why am I looking for her?  I thought she was going to drop off G-chan, but when I got to her room, all I found was Galaxia passed out and muttering about giant toast-monsters and some evil house thing._

E. BEAR: (shrugs) Evil.

KIO: (looks down at E. Bear w/a weird look; sweat drops) I'm talking to a bear…

E. BEAR: (grrr) Evil!  (bites Kio's leg angrily)

KIO: Yaaagh!!  (tries to kick him off) I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!

**(Hopping around on one leg, Kio loses his balance and stumbles forward into someone who was coming around the corner in the opposite direction)**

KIO: Aaagh—OOMF!

NEKO: Eeek!

**(Meanwhile, E. Bear climbs to his feet dazedly, stumbling around w/swirly eyes)**

E. BEAR: E…ee…ee…e…eh???

**(The hall being practically pitch black, Neko and Kio haven't quite figured the situation out yet)**

NEKO: (terrified) Whaaa—what the?!

KIO: (embarrassed) Sorry!  Sorry!  Uh, I…Neko?

NEKO: (freeze) Kio?  (blushes crazily) Um, WHAT exactly are you doing…?

**(As our heroes' eyes adjust, we find them in a rather uncomfortable situation.  Kio apparently had fallen straight into Neko, sending her sprawling on the floor w/him balanced rather precariously over her)**

KIO: (blushing nuclear red) Um…I…heh, heh…(waits nervously for her to clobber him)

NEKO: (blushing further) Kio…

KIO: (opens one eye hopefully) Huh?

**(Opening both eyes, he finds himself staring down at her, entranced.  Neko is doing the same to him)**

M. STRANGER: (from the shadows; smiles softly) Finally…You are both mine.

CAMERA MAN: (crying in frustration) I still don't get it!!

M. STRANGER: (dives on him in anger) SHUT UP!!

KIO: (jerking at a sound; looks around suspiciously) Whaa…What was that?

NEKO: (awkwardly pulling herself to a seated position) I don't know.

KIO: (eyebrows furrowed) Is it just me…or is this place…strange?

NEKO: No, I feel it—

**(She freezes as Kio suddenly turns back to face her, and the two of them realize how close they are once again)**

NEKO: (blush returning) Kio…I think we should…

**(He silences her by leaning forward and kissing her hesitantly.  She looks shocked for only a second, and then grabbing his arms nervously, she returns the kiss eagerly)**

M. STRANGER: (turning away from beating the camera man to a pulp w/a triumphant grin on her face) YES!!  It is done!

CAMERA MAN: (crying rivers) Owwiee!

KIO: (finally pulling away; blinks in surprise) Did I just…?

NEKO: (astonished) Uh, yeah.  Kind of.

KIO: (still amazed) And did you…?

NEKO: (nodding breathlessly) Uh-huh… (gazes at him longingly)

**(Pulling her to him again, Kio kisses her again, this time w/no hesitation)**

ASS. DIRECTOR: (cornily) Aw, how romantical!  ^_^

**(Regaining his wits, E. Bear spots the two love-birds & decides to make his feelings known as well)**

KIO: (jumping) OUCH!!  Damnit!

NEKO: E. Bear!!  I told you to quit doing that!!  (attempts to tear the bear off of Kio's arm, where he has clamped on w/a deathgrip)

ALL: HOW ROMANTICAL!!  ^_^

**(Oh, God…)**

M. STRANGER: (jumping up triumphantly) Now!  I will have my revenge!  After all these long years of loneliness and damnation!  The hour is at hand!

**Scene III**

**(So, to recap, our two heroes, Neko-chan and Kiosuke, have just shared a "special moment" in the halls of Yin&Yang Hot-Springs Resort—)**

KIO: Neko-chan!

NEKO: Kiosuke!

KIO: Neko-chan!

**(No, not like that!!  This isn't Fushigi Yuugi****, people!  So anyway, out of nowhere pops the mysterious stranger who has been lurking around since the beginning of this special, & is apparently some sort of psychotic soul-sucking demon…)**

KIO: What the—?!

NEKO: Psycho bitch!!  (cowers behind Kio in terror)

M. STRANGER: (grinning maniacally down at Neko) You, with all your petty fears and stubborn will, it is I who has brought your true feelings out to the open!  And now…With the budding feelings buried deep within both of your hearts, I will tear your souls apart and be free of this eternal hell that was forced upon me so long ago by the one whom I thought loved me most!!

KIO: (sweat drop) This sounds like an anime… (turning to Neko) You don't have any superpowers I don't know about, do you?

NEKO: Shut up and let's get out of here!!

**(The two get up and—wisely—run.  Like hell)**

KIO: (pant) Where are we running _to?_

NEKO: How should I know?!  I'm just following the blind animal instinct buried w/in my psyche!!

KIO: WHAAA—??

NEKO: (irritated sigh) Oh.  Right.  Guys, big words.  Got it.  (freeze) Wait, where's E. Bear?!

KIO: Right here.  (raises his arm, to which the bear is still ferociously latched onto) Um, he doesn't have rabies or anything, does he?

**(E. Bear's eye twitches angrily, a blood vessel in his forehead popping.  He bites down harder)**

KIO: (gritting his teeth) S-sorry I asked.  (tries in vain to shake E. Bear off again) God damnit, it's like Chinese hand-cuffs!

**(Neko spots a room off the hall which is apparently empty)**

NEKO: (grabbing Kio's arm hastily) Come on!  In here!

KIO: Gotcha'!

**(They run in, Kio shutting and bolting the door behind them, and then they pause to catch their breaths)**

NEKO: You think we lost her?

KIO: I _hope we lost her!  Jeez, what the hell was that all about?!_

NEKO: I don't know, but (eyes wobbling) I don't like this place anymore, y'know!

KIO: (sweat drop)

NEKO: (concerned) Do you think the others are okay?

~~~~~~~

**(Cut back to the lounge where Jesse & James are passed out on the couch amid a mountain of pillows and Meowth is watching re-runs of ER)**

JESSE: (mumbling in sleep) One more drink, bartender…

JAMES: (ditto) Mmm…stop that, Jesse—it tickles!  (sleepy giggling)

~~~~~~~

**(Another cut to Galaxia's room, where G-chan is now up and making a fort out of her blanket and some chairs)**

GALAXIA: This week on _Survivor, torrential rains dampen spirits in both tribes.  Will the alliances hold out against the flood?  (in man's voice) "This is it.  Jerry's driving me up the wall.  The bitch has gotta' go."  (in snotty voice) "I'm so hot, I bet I'll win."_

~~~~~~~

KIO: (sweat drop) I'm sure they're fine.

**(They stand in silence for awhile, nervously looking over the room & avoiding each other's eyes)**

NEKO: (nervously) What she said…about how she controlled us…is it true?

KIO: What do you mean?

NEKO: I mean, did you really…mean that back there?  (furious blushing) Oh, God, just ignore that.  Forget I said anything.

KIO: (smiling affectionately) Yeah, I did.  Did you?

**(She looks at him, surprised, then looks away in embarrassment)**

NEKO: I…I don't know.

KIO: (looks thoughtful for awhile, then walks up to her) You did, didn't you?  Did you hear what she said?  She didn't control us, she simply…

NEKO: (understanding) …Affected the feelings we already had.

**(Smiling softly, Kio nods.  Raising a hand to her face, he freezes suddenly, making a face.  E. Bear is still hanging from his arm, growling in annoyance)**

KIO: (dryly) This is really getting to be a problem…

NEKO: (laughing) Stupid bear…(tickling E. Bear's chin teasingly, she gently extracts him from Kio's arm)  There you go.  Bear free.

KIO: (rubbing his arm testily) Evil bear…

**(E. Bear ignores him and snuggles further into Neko's arms)**

VOICE: Yoo-hoo!

NEKO: (jumping into Kio's arms) Yipe!  It's her!

**(Kio pulls her further into the room, putting himself between her and the door)**

KIO: Quick!  Get away from the door!

NEKO: How are we supposed to get out of here?!

M. STRANGER: (slipping straight through the door; grinning friendly-like) There you are!  How nice—you're already cornered and everything!

KIO: (glaring fiercely) Jeez, back off, bitch—what's your damage?!

NEKO: You're a ghost, aren't you?!  What do you want with us?

M. STRANGER: (getting wobbly eyed) With you?  Nothing personal, y'know, I just want my revenge!

KIO: (sweatdrop) That makes no sense whatsoever.

M. STRANGER: Bear with me please.

**(E. Bear, who has been looking increasingly pissed by the ghost's intrusion, suddenly leaps out of Neko's grasp and latches onto the mysterious stranger's arm)**

M. STRANGER: (shrieking) Aaaggh!!  Eeek, gerroff!!  (flailing her arm madly)

NEKO: I knew that talent would come in handy some day.

KIO: Um, isn't she a ghost?  How can he bite her?

NEKO: (grabbing his arm & running for the door) Let's not give her a chance to figure that out!!

DIRECTOR: Hmm, these plot-holes are numerous and intriguing.

PRODUCER: DAMN THAT AUTHOR!!

NEKO: Where are the others?!

KIO: Head for the lounge!  Hopefully they're still there!

**(Meanwhile, the mysterious stranger/ghost chick has gone SD—that is, super-deformed for those of you unfamiliar w/the term—and has proceeded to have a tantrum upon the floor in an attempts to shake E. Bear off)**

GHOST CHICK: (projectile crying) GET IT OFF, GETITOFF!!  WAAAAAGGHH!!

E. BEAR: (grrr) …

GHOST CHICK: Hey, wait a second, you numbskulls, I'm a ghost!  (glares at E. Bear) Get off, you mangy furrball!

**(E. Bear promptly falls through her arm to the floor, looking disappointed)**

E. BEAR: Eeevil…

GHOST CHICK: Oh shut up—I do not taste that gross!

**Scene IV**

**(We return once again to the resort's lounge…)**

**(More suggestive giggling from the two passed out on the couch…)**

MEOWTH: (getting irritated) Wake up, numbskulls!  (hits them both w/pillows) You're making me sick!

JAMES: (jumping awake) Wha—wha's goin' on?!!  (rubbernecks wildly)

JESSE: (yawning) Ugh…what's all the ruckus?  (cringes painfully) Oh, God, my head feels like a semi ran over it…

**(Kiosuke and Neko-chan suddenly dash into the room, panicked looks of terror on their faces)**

NEKO: THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED!!!

KIO: Um, now might be a good time to cut our vacation short, you guys!

MEOWTH: (ticked) _Now what's goin' on, you blabberin' idiots?_

GALAXIA: Haunted?!  I'm scared!

NEKO: G-chan!  I thought you were in bed—where'd you come from?!

GALAXIA: (blink) I don't know.

JESSE: Urrgh…Everyone quit yelling, already!  My head feels like it's splitting.

JAMES: (sigh) I told you not to binge drink, koishíi…

NEKO: Can we just leave already?  I think I've had enough fun for one day…

JAMES: (pout) But we have all-week passes!

JESSE: We hardly even did anything!

JAMES: (mutter) Except pass out drunk.

JESSE & G-CHAN: Hey!

KIO: (hurriedly) Hey, look, I'll reimburse you, let's just GO!!

GHOST CHICK: (popping out of the nearby wall) Hey, I didn't say you could leave!  Get back here!

ALL BUT NEKO & KIO: AAAAAGGHHH!!!  A GHOST!!  (predictable spazzing)

**(Yeah, we've figured that out by now)**

JAMES: (nervously) Hey, yeah, I'll take you up on that offer, Kio!

GALAXIA: Home sounds nice now!!

MEOWTH: SHUT UP AND HEAD FOR THE CAR!!

GHOST CHICK: (pout) Aw, come on!  Why is everyone so scared of me!  All I want is revenge against those who betrayed me in my lifetime!  (wobbly eyed again) It was the summer of my eighteenth year, and I was young and naïve…

JESSE: AAAGH, FLASHBACK SCENE!!  EVERYONE RUN FOR IT!!

GHOST CHICK: Hey, come back here!  I'm not finished!

JAMES: Quick, who's got the car keys?!

~~~~~~~~~~~

**(And so our heroes escaped the accursed hot-springs.  The end)**

PRODUCER: That's _not the end._

**(Aw, come on!)**

DIRECTOR: (impatient glaring) Giovanni…

**(Alright, alright already!  *mutter* ****Cheap bastards…)**

**Scene V**

**(Even though nobody cares about this part…)**

DIRECTOR: Hey, isn't this your paycheck?  Oh, whoops!  Was that zero supposed to be there?

**(*hastily* ****The next day, back at Team Rocket's Secret Hideout…!)**

TV REPORTER: …due to mysterious circumstances, the new hot-springs located just west of here was shut down earlier last night.  No further information on the matter has been released to the press…but if there's one thing us reporters are good at, it's getting the dirt.  So stay tuned to WTMR for the shocking inside scoop on the Yin&Yang Hot-Springs scandal!  And now, for the weather…

JESSE: Do you think they took care of that ghost?

MEOWTH: 'Course dey did!  You can't leave loose strings like dat just hangin', y'know.

JAMES: Besides, it was only after Neko-chan, anyway!  I think…  We're safe!  (Jesse hits him) What was that for?

GALAXIA: I can't believe I was right about it being a damned soul locked w/in the walls of the resort, just waiting for some innocent soul in which to facilitate it's revenge!

**(Everyone sweatdrops)**

EVERYONE: Galaxia, lay off the crack.

GALAXIA: (weep) Would everyone quit saying that?!!

~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Outside on the porch…)**

NEKO: (leaning on the rail & watching the stars) Think she'll come after us?

KIO: (drowsing on the porch swing) Hmm?  Who?

NEKO: The ghost, idiot!  Who else?

KIO: Oh, her.  (looks up thoughtfully) I have a feeling we don't have to worry about her.

NEKO: (rolling her eyes) Yeah, well, I have a feeling it's cold out here and you're a whack-job…

KIO: (grinning) Need me to warm you?

NEKO: (grrr) You're still at it?

KIO: (shrugs & sobers) I'm just trying to act normal, after all the weird stuff that's been going on.

NEKO: (sigh) Don't bother.  I don't think things will ever be normal again.

KIO: Not with a spaz like you around.

NEKO: Shut up, Kio.

KIO: Make me, Né-chan.

**(As the scene begins to turn decidedly dangerous—or kinky—E. Bear suddenly pops out of nowhere, and latches himself onto Kio's arm)**

KIO: Oh, man!  Not this again!  (crying rivers) Come on, Neko, get him off!

NEKO: Hmm, I think not.  (evil grin) It looks good on ya, Kio-chan.  ((--it's the Big Red slogan!))

KIO: You know I'm gonna' get you for this, right?

NEKO: I didn't do anything.  (laughing evilly)

KIO: Come on!!  It's your stupid bear!

NEKO: (shaking her head hopelessly) Goodnight, Kio.  (goes inside)

KIO: Aaarrgh!!  (looks down at the bear on his arm dejectedly) At least she called me "Kio-chan".

**END SPECIAL**


	10. Ep 6Epilogue: Awake on My Airplane or, A...

(10/14/01 — 10/26/01) **Episode #6: Awake on My Airplane (or, A Bad Ending)**

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

E. BEAR

KIOSUKE

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

Gio's PERSIAN

the BLACK NINJA

ASH-tachi (including TRACEY, MRS. K, & the PROFESSOR)

the DIRECTOR

the PRODUCER

the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

the PREVIOUS NARRATOR

SAINT MOBSTER, the patron saint of all mob bosses

the BUS DRIVER & PASSENGERS from Ep. 3

a gift shop CLERK

a voice-changer

and some Teletubbies (just kidding!)

**Scene I**

**(Well, things have calmed down a bit since our little hot-springs fiasco.  Our heroes—do I really have to call them that?)**

DIRECTOR: Yeah, sorry Gio, but it's in the script.

**(*grumble* ****Yeah, yeah…*ahem* ****So anyway, as I said, things have calmed down a bit…)**

NEKO: GOD DAMNIT, GIVE IT BAAAAAACK!!!

GALAXIA: Hey, hey!!  Calm down, you two!!

**(Er…somewhat)**

KIO: (evil grin) I don't recall seeing your name on it.

**(Kind of.  Maybe…)**

NEKO: Grrrrr…Well it's in my house and that's my television so that MAKES IT MINE, YOU JERK!!  HAND OVER THE REMOTE!!

**(Okay, so they've mostly just returned to normal)**

GALAXIA: No kidding.

**(Neko, meanwhile, jumps in vain, trying to wrest the remote from Kio's hands, which being as tall as he is, simply holds it over her head in amusement)**

GALAXIA: Teasing short people is mean.

NEKO: I'm not short!

KIO: Too short to get the remote.  That's short enough.

NEKO: (grrr…) Kio…!

GALAXIA: I don't get the big deal, you guys.  We all want to watch the same movie anyway.

NEKO: (whining) Yeah, but _I want the remote!!_

KIO: Jeez, don't be such a big baby about it or anything…

GALAXIA: (pointing at the TV) We're missing the opening.

NEKO: It's all _Kio's fault!  (plops down on the couch moodily)_

KIO: You're the one making a big deal out of it.

GALAXIA: _Both of you shut up!_

**(Kio and Galaxia both plop down on couches and chairs as well)**

KIO: It seems so quiet around here.  Where are Jesse and James anyway?

NEKO: (still glaring at the remote in his hand) On assignment.

GALAXIA: The Boss was pretty pissed about that impromptu vacation, so he put them back on the Pikachu project.

**(Damn right I did!!)**

KIO: Ouch.  That's harsh.

NEKO: Give it back!  (dives at Kio)

KIO: (pulling out of her reach) Are you still going on about that?

GALAXIA: (sigh) Né-chan…

**(She turns back to the movie as Neko & Kio both proceed to wrestle over the remote in the background)**

KIO: Come on, lay off!!  I'm trying to watch the movie!

NEKO: It's _my remote—give it back!!_

KIO: OUCH!!  Jeez, no biting!

NEKO: Blech!  What is that, anyway?  Rayon?!

GALAXIA: (still ignoring them) Hey, I didn't know Anthony Hopkins was in this movie!  ((--I think they're watching _Mission Impossible: 2))_

**(You _think?  And who asked you anyway?)_**

((Just get back to narrating, you second-rate mob boss))

**(Why you—!!!)**

GALAXIA: Hey, you guys, do you think you could keep the foreplay to a minimum so I can hear the movie?

NEKO: Shut up!!

KIO: Is that what this is?  (sly grin)

NEKO: You shut up too!  (snatches the remote from him) And give me that!

KIO: Whaaaatever you say, kitten…

NEKO: Grrrrr…!

**(Suddenly, the telephone rings)**

GALAXIA & KIO: DUN-DUN, DUN!!

NEKO: Dorks…

GALAXIA & KIO: Answer the phone!!

NEKO: Why do _I have to?!  (answers the phone) Yeah?_

CREEPY VOICE: Hello, Clarice…

NEKO: James, I know that's you.

JAMES: (whiny) Aw, man!  Stupid voice-changer!  (sounds of smashing machinery)

NEKO: Besides, you screwed the movies up.

JESSE: (in the background) I _told you it was Sidney!_

NEKO: So what do you guys want?

JAMES: Help.

JESSE: Um, what James means is, we need some…ah…assistance, and we would, er, really appreciate if you could get Mondo for us.

NEKO: You've got a phone.  Call him yourself.

KIO: Ooh, harsh.

NEKO: You shut up!  (throws the remote at him)

JESSE: Um…he's not answering his phone.

JAMES: Actually, our calling plan expired and we can't get a signal.

JESSE: Idiot, don't tell her that!  (sounds of a minor scuffle)

NEKO: (sigh) So, where are you guys, anyway?  You can't be _that far away…_

JESSE: Uh…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Cut to that lonely mountaintop once again—which is not so lonely anymore—where we find Team Rocket, a rather bedraggled Ash-tachi, Mrs. Ketchum, Tracey, & the Professor [Oak, that is] ****sitting around looking cold, wet and utterly confused)**

JAMES: Is this far enough for her?!  (shivers miserably)

MISTY: How the hell did we get up here?

MRS. KETCHUM: I blame cult activities.  I just _knew they couldn't be good!_

PIKACHU: Piii-ka!

ASH: What are _you complaining about—you've got fur!  (shivers miserably as well)_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEKO: Fine, fine, I'll call Mondo for you!  Jeez, you big babies!  (listening) What?  No, I do not own a snowplow.  … Yeah, yeah, I'll be sure to tell him that.  Though I don't know how the hell he's s'posed to get one of those up there…(hangs up)

GALAXIA: What was that about?

NEKO: I don't know.  The reception was bad.  Let's watch the movie.

GALAXIA: (cheery) Okay!

NEKO: Hey, where'd the remote go _now?_

KIO: (chuckling) Idiot!  You threw it at me.

NEKO: Aaarrrrggghhh…(sigh) Aw, I'm too tired for this!  (plops down next to him on the couch)

GALAXIA: (whine) Turn the volume up!

**Scene II**

**(Back on that frozen mountaintop…)**

JESSE: Aaaargggh…!  That bitch!  She didn't call him!

JAMES: How do you know?

JESSE: I read it in the script, half-wit!  (shivers miserably) Ooh, and it's cold up here!  (weep)

BROCK: (lecherous glint in eyes) In a situation such as this, we all need to stick together and conserve body heat!

**(He looks around to find everyone else but himself already paired/grouped off for warmth.  He looks sadly down at his apron-clad self and blubbers miserably)**

BROCK: All of you are meanies!!  (hugs himself)

JAMES: Jesse, I've never felt as close to you as I feel now!

JESSE: Yeah, yeah, your boot's digging into my heel!

MISTY: Hey, quit trying to cop a feel!

ASH, PIKACHU & PROFESSOR: Sorry.

MRS. K: (forlorn sigh) Well, I suppose we have to make the best of this…  (grins brightly) Who's up for campfire stories?

EVERYONE ELSE: Err… (sweat drop)

MRS. K: I know!  We could sing folk songs!

MEOWTH: (crying) Somebody help us!!!

ASH: (embarrassed) MOooO-OM!!!

**(I suppose I should feel sorry for them.  *silence* ****…What?!)**

DIRECTOR: I didn't say anything!

PRODUCER: You evil, evil man.

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (cheesy grins) That's our boss! ^_^

**(Kiss-ups!)**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(But enough about me…or those retards who got themselves lost on a mountaintop)**

EVERYONE: HEY!!

**(Where are they anyway; the Swiss Alps?)**

DIRECTOR: I think it's a region in the northern Appalachian range.

PRODUCER: I thought they were in Tibet?

**(NO ONE CARES!!  *ahem* ****So, back to the story…)**

DIRECTOR: (grumble) You're the one who asked…grumpy pants…

**(THE STORY, THE STORY!!  Oi…!)**

GALAXIA: Jeez, she really was tired!  I've never seen her pass out like that during a movie!

KIO: (uncomfortable) Um, she's getting really…snuggly.  And I think she just drooled on my arm.

GALAXIA: Hee, hee, she's drooling all over you, Kio!  Get it?

NEKO: I do not drool!!

**(Shut up, moron, you're supposed to be asleep!)**

NEKO: Oh, right.  (zonks out again)

**(Galaxia and Kio sweatdrop nervously)**

KIO: Think we should move her?

GALAXIA: I thought you liked getting snuggly with her?

KIO: (blush) Yeah, but…the drooling…!

NEKO: ((big, flame-backed anger scene—including fangs)) I DO NOT _DROOL!!  (clobbers them both w/her harisen)_

**(Oi, this isn't going well…)**

PRODUCER: Does this scene have a point?

DIRECTOR: Uh…Does any of this [censored]?

PRODUCER: We'll…discuss that later.  In the meantime, let's fast-forward to the next scene.

BUTCH: Yay, that's our scene!

CASSIDY: No it's not!  We've still got another two to go!  Idiot.

BUTCH: Aw, man.  Let's take a coffee break, then.

CASSIDY: You do NOT need anymore coffee!

**(Don't you two have an assignment or something?)**

BOTH: Uh…

BUTCH: Right.

CASSIDY: On it!  (quickly tail it)

**(…Really need to consider those two's credentials…)**

**Scene III (Already)**

**(Well, we're on to another scene.  Again.  No wonder ratings are dropping like flies—they don't give people long enough to even TRY and understand what the hell's going on!!)**

DIRECTOR: Hey, you wanna' keep your job, buddy?

**(*grumble grumble* ****…paycheck-Nazi…!  Ahem.  So yes, the next scene … Okay, where's the script?!  I've got no goddamn clue what the next scene is!)**

JAMES: Use my copy.  I don't need it.

**(Oh, thank you, James.  *blinks in thought* ****Maybe I should give him a raise for that?  Wait, what am I thinking?!  I'm broke!)**

**(Ahem.  We find ourselves in the dark recesses of Team Rocket Headquarters, in the immense, now dark & lonely-looking office of Giovanni.  …  *long silence*  ****Wait, that's ME!!)**

GIOVANNI: I have a SCENE?!  No freaking way!!

PERSIAN: (giving him the weird look) Mrowr?

GIOVANNI: (shakes self) Oh!  Yes!  Where was I?

**(It says here in the script you—I mean, "I"—was, uh, were lying face-down on your, I mean, my desk and crying into a pool of IRS forms and bank statements.  *breathing hard* ****Damn this is confusing!)**

GIOVANNI: (nodding proudly) Ah, yes, _that!  (promptly does so) WAAAGGH-HA-HA-HA!! …_

PERSIAN: (eye roll) Rowr, rowr, rowr…  (goes back to napping)

**(All of a sudden, the doors fly open—real dramatic-like—and a mysterious figure enters)**

M. FIGURE: Behold!  For I have come to solve all of your problems!

GIOVANNI: W-what are you?!  (getting annoyed) _Who are you?  And how did you get in here?!_

M. FIGURE: That is irrelevant!  For I have—

GIOVANNI: SECURITY!!

M. FIGURE: Hey, wait a second!  I wasn't finished!  (huffy sigh) Jeez, do you want help or not?!

GIOVANNI: (finger pausing over the "red button") Er…

M. FIGURE: (back to dramatic) I am the mighty Saint Mobster, and I have come to solve all of your money-made-through-illegal-means problems, Giovanni of Team Rocket!

GIOVANNI: A saint lobster?!  How the hell is a giant, tights-wearing crustacean supposed to help me?!

ST. MOBSTER: (really cool flame-backed anger scene) NOT LOBSTER, YOU VERSACE-CLAD IMBECILE!!  MOBSTER, MOBSTER!!  I AM THE GOD OF GODFATHERS!!  DIDN'T YOU READ THE UNOFFICIAL MOB BOSS BIBLE?!!!?!  (drops a really big book on him) And I am NOT wearing tights!!

GIOVANNI: (sweatdrop) Er…

ST. MOBSTER: (smacks him) And quit doin' that!!  You're making the title of mob boss look bad!!

GIOVANNI: (rubbing a baseball-size bump on his head) So, you're here to help me?

ST. MOBSTER: (royally irritated) YES, YOU ROYAL MORON, YES!!  Ahem.  (instantly calm) Now, let us talk rates…

GIOVANNI: (pissed) WHAAAAT?!!  You're supposed to be my patron saint, yadda-yadda and all that bull!  I shouldn't have to pay you!!

ST. MOBSTER: (insulted) Do you think I'm some kinda' charity or sompin'?!  Look buddy, the mob don't DO favors.  This is business.

GIOVANNI: (suppressing his rage) What are your rates?

ST. MOBSTER: Now you're speakin' my language, Mr. Giovanni.

**(The Patron Saint of Mobsters conjures an elaborate desk of his own out of nowhere & seats himself behind it, offering Giovanni a chair)**

ST. MOBSTER: Shall we talk business?

GIOVANNI: (hesitant) Hmm.  (shrugs carelessly) Ah, what the hell.  Narrating doesn't pay enough for this!  (plops down in the seat)

DIRECTOR: Hey!  WE own you!

PRODUCER: Yeah!  It says so in this contract!

ASS. DIRECTOR: Traitor!

BUTCH & CASSIDY: That's our boss!  ^_^

THE CREW: QUIET, YOU!!

**Scene IV**

DIRECTOR: I regret to inform the reader that we are currently without a narrator.

PRODUCER: (spazzing & trashing equip. in the background) GOD DAMNIT!!!  DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMNIT!!!  GRRRRR…!!!!  (the censors suddenly kick in & further cursing is cut off)

PREV. NARRATOR: So now what?  You gonna' come crawlin' back to me, huh?  Think that I'll just come back, no harm done?

DIRECTOR: Um, we were thinking—

PREV. NARRATOR: (spaz) Well forget it, _buddy 'cuz it's—not—happening!  You won't see THIS narrator crawling on his hands & knees at your whim for some crummy-ass job!!  NO SIR!!  I am above that—you will never break me!!!  (maniacal laughter) MWA HAA HA HA!!!_

PRODUCER: (waits until the laughter has died off) … So, want your job back?

PREV. NARRATOR: (shrug) Yeah, sure, when do I start?

~~~~~~~~~~

**(Yay!  Yay!!  It's me!  I'm back!!  Hello, wonderful camera!  *hugs camera-man* ****Hello, scenery!  *hugs scenery*  ****Hello, all you crazies who got yourselves lost on a lonely mountain-top!  *hugs the mountaintop* ****I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)**

DIRECTOR: Was this really such a good idea?

PRODUCER: Hey, _you're the one who refused to have him tested for mental exhaustion!_

**(Okay, now, ONTO THE SCENE!!)**

DIRECTOR: H-ooh, boy…!

~~~~~~~~~~~

**(Back to Team Rocket's Secret Hideout! …)**

KIO: Oof.  You're getting heavy, kitten!  I'll have to remind you to lay off the donuts.

**(If you recall, Neko passed out for no reason whatsoever when they were watching a movie.  Now Kio is heading up the stairs w/the Rockette in his arms to put her in her bed)**

KIO: (looking around the dark hall appreciatively) For a Rocket hideout, this place is pretty nice.

**(He finds Neko's room finally and deposits her gently on the bed.  Neko sighs happily in her sleep and curls up kitten-like)**

KIO: (watching her curiously; cocks a brow quizzically) You are impossible to understand, Neko.  **(He goes to leave but turns back hesitantly, watching the peacefully sleeping redhead w/a soft expression in his gold eyes.  Brushing a few strands of reddish-gold hair out of her eyes, he sits down on the edge of the bed, watching her sleep for just a few more moments)**

**(Very faintly, a shadow flits across the room, momentarily masking the light from the hallway, and then its gone.  Kio turns sharply towards the doorway, eyes narrowing watchfully)**

KIO: Galaxia?  (going to the door & peering out) Hmm…

**(A gentle paw on his pant leg from behind startles him, and he looks down to see E. Bear looking up at him w/worry-filled gold eyes)**

E. BEAR: Evil.

**(The Rocket cadet nods slightly, inclining his head towards the hallway.  The little brown bear nods in reply, slipping soundlessly into the hall and peering down one end suspiciously.  Kio takes the other side, moving w/casual caution)**

KIO: I wonder why someone would break in _here?  There's nothing of value in a place like this.  *sigh*  I hope its not some Peeping Tom-pervert…like that pizza guy they keep telling me about…_

**(Another flicker of split-second shadow to his right.  Kio spins quickly in the direction, following it's general direction)**

KIO: Well whoever it is isn't an amateur.  They're moving like…  (his eyes widen suddenly in understanding)  Oh, no!  Neko!

**(His head jerks back in the direction of Neko's room.  The sound of the television drifts up from downstairs and deepens his worry further)**

KIO: And Galaxia!  Oh great, what the hell am I supposed to do?!

**(Without warning, a figure suddenly leaps from the shadows, tossing him roughly into the wall w/martial skill)**

KIO: Oof!

**(Kio jumps quickly to his feet, just in time to block a ferocious, sweeping kick to the ribs.  He stumbles back from the impact, then steadies himself in a defensive position, meeting the next attack w/a rather impressive display of martial arts himself)**

**(Despite his efforts, his attacker manages to catch him off-guard once again, sweeping Kio's feet from beneath him and knocking him to the floor.  Fighting for breath, Kio opens his eyes, startled, to find a pair of hard black ones staring back at him; his attacker having pinned him expertly to the floor)**

KIO: (growling angrily) What do you want with them, Black Ninja?!

BLACK NINJA: You shall not interfere.

**(Twisting beneath him in a clever move, Kio manages to wrap his leg around his attacker's; at the same time pressing into the soft pressure point between the thumb & forefinger and weakening the ninja's hold enough for him to slip aside w/one last desperate kick in the Black Ninja's direction.  His foe manages to roll out of the way to avoid the kick, but Kio quickly scrabbles backwards into the hall and to his feet, keeping a wary distance from the clever ninja)**

KIO: Bull-_shit I won't interfere!  I don't know what it is you want with them now, but you're sure as hell not gonna' do it while I'm around!_

BLACK NINJA: (wry smile) ((--yeah, he's got a mask.  Just imagine he's smiling))  You have guts, boy.  And you are skilled.  But you are still no match for me.

KIO: Why don't we find out, Mr. Cocky?

BLACK NINJA: Perhaps another time, Kiosuke Akogare.  But right now my plans do not concern you.  If you back-out now, I will respect your distance and spare your life.  But if you continue to interfere, I will be forced to dispose of you.  My master has no patience for mistakes.

KIO: Oh, really?  Your master?  So you're working for someone else.  That's a start.  Who is your master and what do they want with Neko and Galaxia?

BLACK NINJA: Both girls?  (knowing smile) Only one girl is of importance, Akogare.  And I believe it is the one sleeping only just in the other room, _neh?  (inclines his head in the direction of Neko's room)_

KIO: (growling angrily) You stay away from her.

BLACK NINJA: You care for this one, don't you?  (shakes his head ruefully) That is…unfortunate.

**(Like a wraith, he disappears down the hall, hardly disturbing the air w/his passing.  Kio jerks after his disappearing form in surprise, a haunted expression overcoming his features)**

KIO: Black Ninja?!  No!  Come back and fight, you coward!  (dashes down the hall after him)

~~~~~~~

**(Galaxia looks up from her movie curiously, listening to the sound of loud footsteps and yelling going on upstairs)**

GALAXIA: Huh.  Sounds like she woke up.  Poor guy.  Sounds like she's really giving him a hard time.  (shrugs carelessly & pops some popcorn in her mouth) I'll let them be.

~~~~~~~

**(Meanwhile, Kio dashes from room to room, hastily searching for any sign of the rogue ninja.  He finally reaches the end of the hall, with no results.  Panicking, he looks around for a solution)**

KIO: Damnit!!  Where did he go?!!

**(A loud cry of pain that sounded as if it came from E. Bear causes him to spin back around.  The sound had come from the direction of Neko's room)**

**(Dashing hurriedly down the hall, Kio rushes into the Rockette's room, just in time to see the Black Ninja—perched smugly on the windowsill w/the sleeping redhead slung over his shoulder—give a jaunty salute and leap backwards into the night)**

KIO: (rushing towards the window) NEKO!!

**(Peering over the edge, he saw only the night.  There was no sign of the ninja & his prisoner)**

KIO: (horrified whisper) No…  Oh God…!

**(Somewhere nearby, E. Bear whimpers weakly)**

KIO: E. Bear?  (looks around hastily & finds the bear lying nearby) Whoa!  You okay?!  (picks the bear up gingerly)

**(E. Bear nods gamely, grimacing & attempting a smile)**

E. BEAR: Ee~eevil…vil…

KIO: (trying to stay calm) It's okay.  There's nothing you could've done.  (forces a grin) I'm sure you got him good.

E. BEAR: (sitting up painfully & pointing towards the open window) Evil!  Evil, vil, eeevil.

KIO: (sudden understanding) You think…he drugged her somehow?  (shaking his head in awe) No wonder she fell asleep so suddenly!  Oh shit, I have NO idea what we're supposed to do now!  Galaxia is SOOO gonna' kill me.

E. BEAR: Evil.

KIO: Yeah, guess you're right.  She'll probably just burst my eardrums with lots of cursing and earth-shattering shrieking.

**(They stand there in tense silence for a few moments, desperately trying to come up w/some sort of plan)**

**(Finally, after a while, Kio turns to E. Bear thoughtfully)**

KIO: Is this gonna' be a cliff-hanger episode?

E. BEAR: (pulling out his script) Eeevil…  (nods & points to something in the script) Evil.  Evil, evil, eee.  Evil-vil.

KIO: (spazzing) Oh great!!  This is the end of the SEASON?!  No wonder it's so out-of-place and ridiculously dramatic!  Aaaaarrrggghhh…!

E. BEAR: Evil.  Vil vil.

KIO: (childishly) But I don't WANNA' wait until next season!  I wanna' know what happens right now!  I want to know why that crazy jerk-ass kidnapped Neko for no apparent reason and who this mysterious "master" of his is!!  And I want to know why it says in the script that there's still one more scene left, DESPITE the fact that this is a cliff-hanger!

E. BEAR: Evil.  Evil, ee.  Evil, evil-ee, vil-ee.

KIO: Butch and Cassidy?!  Who even CARES about those losers?  Besides, what have they got to do with this episode anyway?

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (popping out of nowhere again) Hey, lot's of people like us, bub!  Don't dis us!

KIO: (to E. Bear still) They just keep popping UP like that to make lame statements about everything that's none of their business!

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (really insulted) Hey!!

KIO: GO AWAY!!

CASSIDY: (huffy) Fine!  We get the ENTIRE next scene anyway!

BUTCH: We don't need the stupid butt-end of your lame scene!

KIO: YOU'RE STILL NOT LEAVING!!  (karate kicks them out of the scene)

**(Jeez, never seen Kio spaz like that.  I think Neko's kidnapping has really affected him)**

KIO: (glare) It has NOT!

E. BEAR: (head shake) Eee~eevil…!

KIO: (eyebrow twitch) Stupid bear…!  (promptly drops E. Bear out the window in annoyance)

**(*eye roll* ****Oh gee, what a wonderful way to end such a tragically dramatic scene.  Okay, people, onwards!  Onwards to the next scene!)**

KIO: What the hell are _you on?_

**(Quiet, you)**

KIO: (banging his head against the windowsill in frustration) Aaaaarrrrrggghhh!!!  It's not fair!!  This is so stupid!!

**Scene V**

**(Yes, yes it is, you sad, strange little man, you.  But onto happier things.  Onto flowers and bunnies, and frolicking lambs _amidst the flowers and bunnies, and some singing, rainbow-colored alien babies as well—)_**

BUTCH: I _think…you're getting off-track._

CASSIDY: (ferociously pissed) WE ARE NOT _TELETUBBIES!!!  And I do not __sing!!_

BUTCH: (happily) I will!  (sheepishly) If it involves money…

CASSIDY: (holding her head) Oh, dear Lord…!!  Why must my brother be a mental invalid?!!

**(Um, hello, non-alien, anti-singing, crazy maniacal Team Rocket people: your scene has begun and you're wasting it)**

CASSIDY: Yeah, yeah, yeah—don't get pushy!

BUTCH: Can we have a scene title?

**(Um…okay.  This could be a…a mini-episode)**

BUTCH: Like "The Second Part" on _Record of Lodoss Wars?_

CASSIDY: Or the _Fushigi Yuugi bus trip!_

**(*sweatdrop* ****Uh…yeah, yeah, sure.  So anyway, we now go to…*looks around blankly for an idea* ****Um, "The Mini-Adventures of Butch-Cassidy in a Gift Shop")**

CASSIDY: You forgot the 'and'!

**(What?)**

CASSIDY: (grumble) Never mind.

BUTCH: (giddily) Yay, a gift shop!!  (prances around like a flower-sniffing dork waving Hallmark collectives in the air)

CASSIDY: You're not gonna' shrink us into pseudo-humans or anything, are you?

**(Not unless you piss me off)**

CASSIDY: Good.  Because he's being gag-me cutesy enough for me as it is.

BUTCH: (still psyched) Cass, Cass, let's go find the Beanie Babies and stuff as many as we can fit in our car!!

CASSIDY: Narrator, I don't like this gift shop idea.  Take it back.

**(Sorry.  It's in the script now)**

CASSIDY: …urrrgh…

**(Just go with the flow)**

BUTCH: Hey look, sis!  It's a cell-phone 9-iron in one!  We should get that for the Boss!  (thoughtful) Or maybe the automated golf ball washer/tea pot.  Hmmm…

CASSIDY: (disturbed) Hey, Butch, how about we check out the designer sweets.  (starts pushing him in that direction hastily)

BUTCH: Ooh, look at that one!  (to a clerk) Ma'am, how much is that?

CLERK: The 20-lb block of pure German chocolate, glazed in a fine, dark fudge?

BUTCH: Yeah!  That sucker!

CLERK: Two-million, six-hundred sixty-six thousand, sir.

BUTCH: (blanching) Uh…Cents?

CLERK: Dollars, sir.  (smile) Would you like that gift-wrapped?

**(Butch blinks blankly for a few moments, then grinning broadly, begins to nod, but Cassidy hastily cuts in, throwing her brother into a headlock before he can speak)**

CASSIDY: AWAY from the candy!  Let's go!!  (drags Butch away by the neck)

**(This is turning out disastrous)**

CASSIDY: (finally setting him down) Now, pick something inexpensive so we can get out of here.

BUTCH: What are we supposed to be getting anyway, sis?

CASSIDY: I have no idea, but pick something before I bash your head in with this snow globe!

BUTCH: Eep!  …Can I have the snow globe?

CASSIDY: (monstrous & angry) PICK SOMETHING!!!!!

**(They walk to the back of the gift shop, looking around aimlessly at the merchandise)**

BUTCH: (pointing at things randomly) I want that.  No, no…I want that!  No, that.  Can I have that?  Wait, I don't like that.  How about that?

CASSIDY: (getting pissed again) Knock it off, Butch!  Just pick something already!!  And nothing expensive because we're broke as hell!

BUTCH: (tiny voice) …Can I have a Beanie Baby?

**(Suddenly, the doors of the gift shop fly open, revealing an angry mob of bus patrons waving torches & broken pieces of wood in a threatening manner)**

CASSIDY: Why didn't you just say they were 'brandishing' them?

**(Because its more ridiculous this way)**

BUTCH: Agh!  A mob!  (waves a hand for a pause) Could you guys just wait until I've picked out my Beanie Baby?  (turns to the BB shelf) Ooh, a penguin!  I don't have one of those…!

BUS DRIVER: You're the ones!

PASSENGER1: Yeah!  You're the ones who hijacked the bus & strapped a bomb to it!

PASSENGER2: Hooligans!  I didn't get my bus tab back!

PASSENGER3: WE WERE ALMOST ALL SENT TO OUR FIERY HELLISH DEATHS!!  (terrified screaming & running around) THE FLAMES OF DAMNATION ARE UPON US!!  SINNERS REPENT!!  AAIIIIIeeeeiiiiiiiiieeeee!!!!!  (dives out the window)

PASSENGER1: Dude, doesn't he ever die?  (others shrug)

CASSIDY: (nervous) Um…We're sorry?

BUTCH: (holding up two Beanie Babies) Cass, do you think I should get the leopard or the emu?

CASSIDY: (smacking him) Butch!!  We're about to be beaten to death by a torch-wielding mob!!  Can't you think of anything else?!

BUTCH: (thoughtful look) … Do you think they'd prefer the emu?

BUS DRIVER: Let's kill 'em!

PASSENGER1: Yeah!

BUTCH: The sight of all these homey knick-knacks and cuddly Beanie Babies seems to be increasing their homicidal rage.

CASSIDY: We are so dead.

BUTCH: Maybe they're just lonely, and all they really want is a hug and a Beanie Baby.  Or a giant hunk of fine chocolate from Germany.

CASSIDY: Butch, shut up and run!  (grabs his arm & bolts for the door)

**(Screaming w/ a mixture of Xena war cries & Arab chanting, the torch-wielding mob of bus patrons follows them out of the now trashed gift shop)**

**(The clerk from earlier blinks confusedly, then starting in realization, turns to yell out into the night: )**

CLERK: HEY!!  You forgot to pay for the Beanie Baby!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**(And that is the end of "The Mini-Adventures of Butch-Cassidy in a Gift Shop".  As well as the end of this episode, AND this season.  Oh, boo-hoo!  Be tough, you big sissy-girl!  You can brave several long, torturous months of waiting for season 3 to find out what happens to Neko and the others.)**

KIO: (horrified expression) MONTHS?!!?

**(And now, people, I'm afraid we must depart.  For "all the world's a play, and we are but actors in it"—and I also have some more homicidal feelings of rage to contend with, as it seems)**

KIO: We have to wait—MONTHS?!!?

**(Yes, feelings of rage are strong in this one.  I must not let him slip to the Dark Side in this time of rebellion)**

**(Adieu, our faithful audience!  Stay tuned for Season 3 of Insanity, and please—do not allow your rising feelings of homicidal rage to overcome you in the coming months of emptiness you may experience)**

KIO:  MONTHS?!!!?!???!

DIRECTOR: We've really got to look into a new narrator.

PRODUCER: Why not new jobs while we're at it?

**END SEASON TWO**


End file.
